Suppprting my DD to stop going to her dad’s house

[TeaAndBrie]

My DD was 18 in September. Me and her dad split when she was one. She has always done roughly EOW at his house. She went to her dad’s this weekend, she went Friday night and then he dropped her off at work Saturday. She said that it was awful, her step mum was being off with her as was her Step sister and she feels like she can never be herself at his house. This isn’t new. She called me half an hour into her shift to say she had been really upset and had spoken with manager but she was fine to stay at work. In the meantime I’m getting messages from her dad saying that DD was upset but he didn’t know why and could I check on her and let him know etc. I went to pick DD up from work and popped in as I know her manager of the shop. I had a really odd conversation with her where I feel like she did overstep a bit. She told me that DD is a very young 18 and that she needs to go to the doctors to get medication for her anxiety and that she needs to stop going to her dad’s house. DD hasn’t enjoyed going to her dad’s for a while but I know he really does want to see her and loves her but I don’t think he really knows her. I feel like him messaging me to ask what’s wrong puts me in an awkward position because I don’t feel like it’s up to me to tell him how to be with his daughter. I feel like I’m supposed to know everything and have all of the answers for everyone. DD has decided she doesn’t want to go to his house anymore and she has arranged to meet him at the weekend as she has told him she wants to talk to him face to face. She wants me to go with her which I will do to support her as she feels like she can’t talk to him about how she feels.

I have spoken to her and said that maybe say to him that she wants to not go to his for a while to see how she feels.

I don’t know how to feel or how to be and I feel so wobbly about everything. I know he will be devastated but also this is years worth of DD feeling how she feels and her anxiety seems to be around him.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or feel and if I should be doing more to make her think about her decision 🥺

shes 18? She doesn’t have to go

At 18 she's a young adult now and definitely normal to not want to go visiting dad if the environment makes her uncomfortable. She's an adult and knows when people are being off with her and it's that bad it's giving her anxiety. This is not okay and I would encourage her to be honest with her dad and tell him the reason why.

My daughter is 17 and hasn't stayed at her dad's house overnight since she was 14, she felt the same way as your daughter, she felt like an outsider and just wasn't made to feel comfortable. She now sees her dad occasionally, they have tea or he takes her out somewhere and that suits her much better. I don't think it needs to be made in to a big deal, she's an adult now and it's a bit odd that she's still doing overnight visits anyway

I'm divorced with an 18 year old. She makes her own arrangements with her dad. I only split with him last year though, so it's a bit different. If your DD doesn't want to go to his house anymore, that's fine. Maybe there's somewhere they can see each other without the step-family being there?

She’s 18, she’s an adult.
My eldest (17) hasn’t been to his Dads for a few years now. And this year the younger two have only been a handful of times. They’ve also told me this year they don’t want to go for New Years. They are older now and know their own minds, they just don’t feel as comfortable there. I don’t feel bad about not forcing them, I do encourage them but at the end of the day you reap what you sow. Their Dad could make more of an effort if he wanted.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or feel and if I should be doing more to make her think about her decision

what you are supposed to do is support your adult DD in the choices she wants to make for her own life. You say she’s been unhappy for a while, so this isn’t an impetuous decision.

Also it’s not irrevocable, she can change her mind in future if she wants to.

She sounds very mature, she is willing to meet him and tell him face to face. You should be proud of her.

Your ex s feelings are not your problem to deal with. If you are troubled by feeling responsible for him then I suggest you go for counselling, it will help to talk it through with someone. And it will improve your own life and happiness if you get support to get over your ex.

There's no need for her to go to his house, she can make this decision for herself, you don't have an obligation to make her think more about it. Equally she's allowed to change her mind or find a new way forward at some point in the future. But for now, support her to tell her dad that she wants to take a step back from seeing him and his family.

From your post it sounds like step mum and step sister are causing difficulties. Does your DD want to maintain a relationship with her dad separate to his new family? After a break, maybe she might like to consider meeting her dad (alone) in a cafe for a coffee (or similar) every now and then

Why on earth does her manager think they have the right to tell you to put her on medication?! Is she a qualified doctor? Your dd is upset so immediately needs drugs? Really?

Anyway, dd is legally an adult, she doesn’t have to go. If she finds it difficult, could you tell her dad what she said? Could he take her out instead if she doesn’t want to spend the night/prefers to see friends/stay with you? She must know she has a choice. I think I’d support her, whatever she wants.

She’s 18 why does she or you feel she should have had to go.

If she hasn’t built up a I want to visit my dad relationship by this point it’s not going to improve by feeling she has to go when she in fact does not.

Manager isn’t wrong in the sense of she’s a young 18 if she feels she has to eow at 18

Most teenagers have dropped eow before that age because their social lives take over. Maybe that's what the manager meant, it's unusual for an 18 year old to still get in a child contact routine where they are the child. She can always meet her dad for lunch or they can go and do something if she wants she doesn't have to stay at his house.

Her manager seems a bit over invested, how inappropriate to suggest she needs medication.

She is 18, old enough to make her own decisions regarding contact. If she doesn't want to stay over at her Dad's surely that is ok? Just tell him she feels uncomfortable there and he should maybe spend time 1 to 1 with her for a while

He could take her to the cinema just the 2 of them or a trip out.

I stopped falling in line with the EOW arrangements when I was about 15, and it was all but over by the time I was 17. I could drive and made my own plans to see Dad.
Hopefully he will be understanding but I wouldn’t make a huge thing of it personally - she’s an adult.

Exactly this. Stop worrying about how your ex feels! DD is not feeling welcome at his house. He has to take that on board and either talk to his wife and other daughter, or agree to see DD elsewhere.

It sounds like she has thought about this quite a lot, and her suggested way forward seems very sensible.

It's a bit odd for an adult, even a young one, to be expected to spend EOW in a house they don't live in. I mean, fine if that's what works for the relationship with their other parent, but I would have thought many teenagers would have transitioned by 18 to an arrangement that suits them better - coming and going as they please, the occasional meal or trip out with their parent - rather than being expected to do overnights according to a set schedule. Your DD should absolutely be supported to adjust contact with her father so it's in a form she's comfortable with.

Yes it is unusual to push an eow overnight stay on an 18yr old. If the df and dsm had made her feel part of things and she wanted to continue then great but that isn't the case so let her make her own arrangements.

I would work with her before the meeting with her dad to practice what she wants to say.

It sounds to me that her problem is with her stepmum and stepsister, not with her dad.

Perhaps the two of them could spend time together just the two of them. If she tells him she’d like to do that, it may help him adjust to her not staying over.

She's young enough to need support and also old enough to decide whether to visit her dad or not. She doesn't want to go and that's an end to it. Maybe she'll change her mind one day but for now I'd leave her be, tell her dad to keep in touch with her and suggest he arranges to meet her somewhere neutral whenever they both want to.

I dislike this forced parenting time concept. I think we are screwing up a whole generation of kids making them nomads so both their parents 'get their fix'. (Probably controversial idc!)

If she doesn't want to go she's 18nshe doesn't have to. And it certainly isn't your fault or doing unless you are dripping poison in her ears about him/them. Support her to be the adult she is growing into. And all this anxiety might just disappear if she stops going there.