Wedding conundrum

[rainbowmaverick]

Wedding conundrum. My husband and I have been invited to my cousin’s wedding in August but our children, who will be 4 by then, haven’t been. The wedding is 5 hours away. My problem is, the only family we have will also be going to the wedding, so there is no one who can look after our twins. AIBU to say we can’t go? We don’t have much expendable income and have one family holiday a year. I could go by myself but by the time I’ve bought the outfit, paid for fuel, accommodation which would be 1-2 nights depending on the times and length of the wedding, food etc it seems like it would be a lot of money for up to 2 nights away without my family. We could all drive up for the weekend but again it seems like a bit of a waste of money when

a. My husband would have to spend the whole wedding elsewhere with our children

b. 10 hours of driving over a weekend with twin 4 year olds isn’t exactly my idea of fun

What’s everyone’s thoughts? I’m not super close to my cousin, we see each other once every 2 or 3 years, usually at weddings, funerals etc. We don’t meet up socially for any reason.

I’m torn…….

Just don't go. You will save bundles of money

Don't go, explain why, then forget it.

They are perfectly reasonable for not wanting children at their wedding and you are perfectly reasonable for declining because of it (let alone a 10 hour round trip and tight finances).

Just politely decline, it's an invitation not a summons. We had a child free wedding too and perfectly understood that some people couldn't (or wouldn't want to) come due to that - we didn't take a shred of offence at it.

(We did however have the grandparents of some of the (non-invited) children of DH's cousins - i.e. my DH's aunt and husband - take vicarious offence and decline our invite 😂again, it was a case of well whatever!)

If you don't want to go, just politely decline.
You don't have to say "because of..." anything.

Just "Thanks for the invitation. Unfortunately we won't be able to join you but I hope you have a lovely day and I look forward to seeing the pictures."

If you do want to be there, then think through all your options.
Will anyone else be traveling from where you are? (Lift share possibilities)
Are you "going home" to the wedding ? (Places to stay options)
Can you get the train rather than drive?

there is no need to buy new clothes just because you are going to a wedding, and even if you want to, you can get some lovely things off Vinted / E-bay or in your local charity shops.

I definitely wouldn't go, and I wouldnt feel bad at all. I've missed a few cousin's weddings because I can't bring my children, as you say all your babysitters are in attendance. It's just life.

I’m not super close to my cousin, we see each other once every 2 or 3 years, usually at weddings, funerals etc. We don’t meet up socially for any reason.
There's your answer

If you'd LIKE to go, eg to catch up with family, then go alone and find ways of keeping costs down (I did similar last year and shared room in a budget hotel with another relative who was going alone, travelled with my parents etc). You probably already have something you could get away with wearing or can by something fairly cheap and wearable again (I bought a new dress but was a summer maxi dress I'd wear out for a meal etc, so could use again).

However, if you wouldn't particularly look forward to it and would just be going out if duty, declining on the casts of childcare, or indeed without giving a reason is perfectly acceptable for the level or relationship you are talking about.

I love family weddings. I don’t see my cousins apart from weddings and funerals and it’s like we haven’t been apart.

can you find out on quiet if other cousins’ kids are going? You can ask the bride or groom and see what they say when you explain childcare etc.

could you take your kids and tag team with your family with childcare so everyone gets to go like giant creche

if you don’t want to go then don’t. Decline and wish them well.

If you don't want to, make your excuses.ĺ
If you want to either - get DH to take dc out for the day near the wedding or go for the day yourself.

Send a polite decline. No need to give any reason why.

Just decline.

Smells like a gift grab to me. Yes I am cynical.

It's totally fine to decline. I would in the circumstances you describe

if you really want to go either go as a family and treat it as a mini break but just you attend the wedding. Or just you go and share accommodation with another family member

I had similar to a cousins wedding and I went and DP stayed home with the kids. This involved a flight and a weekend away. This cousin is one I am very close to so I went ( and had a lovely child free weekend 🤣 ). An invitation is just that an invite, if its too much to go without the family then don't go.

I'm not having any kids at my wedding and I never went to any wedding s when I was a kid ( other then 1 aunts where I was a flower girl). 🤷‍♀️

It almost always costs more to invite someone to your wedding than you'll get back in gifts (full day invite, anyway).

I'd decline and send a card and gift.

I wouldn't see a conundrum here. I'd decline.

Cousin?

Yeah, I wouldn't go in those circumstances.

It's fine. If you have a child free wedding you expect that some people with young children won't come.

Yes. The gift grab is inviting someone who can't come to guilt them into sending a gift.

That's my point, they're expecting people like the op to not go because its so difficult, but send a gift. Happened to my parents, got invited to the wedding of my mother's cousins daughter. She'd never met the brid, hadn't seen her cousin in over 40 years, but felt guilted into sending a gift.

But I wouldn't send a present if I weren't going.
What an odd way for you to think.

I agree with @owlexpress - people don't invite people to their weddings to get a present. What an odd way of thinking.

You have never experienced a gift grab? You are very lucky.

Its very much a thing.

Its where "Cancel the cheque" came from on MN!

ETA - just a quick scan of this thread shows how many people would send a gift, lots of posts saying "Just decline and send a gift".