To end such a miserable relationship with 1 DC?

[rolybeaer]

Me and my "partner" have been together on/off for over 11 years.

We started of madly in love, we did really love each other at one point.
He asked me to marry him and brought a ring but it never materialised.

I literally cannot stand him and probably vice versa.

A lot of things have happened along the way.
I had to move away because of debts and move in with family.
I did ask to move in with him and he didn't want me too, this was 2.5 years into the relationship.

Anyway the distance didn't help between us and in hindsight we should of gone our separate ways.

He has also repeatedly left me over the years starting from 4 years into the relationship.

I have had to hear "he doesn't know what he wants" to "I have to force myself to be happy with you and to love you".

Prior to lockdown it felt very forced and we both were really not happy with one another.

He broke up with me during summer 2020 in lockdown via text.

I left him alone and began counselling and then his father passed away and he contacted me asking "to give it another go".

I was reluctant and after months of meeting etc I decided to give it another go.

A few months in he leaves me again because "he is not happy".
I become pregnant and we have always both wanted children.

His attitude didn't really change during the pregnancy and he really wanted this child.
Even in the hospital he was starting arguments.

I have my own house and he has his own place.

As the months went out all he would do is critisize me, pick faults on my parenting, start arguments for no reason.

It got to the point I had to ask him to move back to his own place and not to come over as much as all the negativity was really making me depressed.

He really has been awful too me and his torture has literally broke me down.
He complains about everything from me refusing to have sex with him, not cooking for him, the list is endless.

When I got this house (due to living in a top floor flat) he expected to move in with me but I reminded him when I was homeless he didn't help me and I have not been to his flat since 2016!!!
I'm not allowed to go to his flat.

This caused another issue and resentment on his part.

It really is evident to me that the relationship is over and I have explained to him that we are not right for each other and we have not been happy or in love for years (me anyway).

I don't enjoy his company, I hate him coming/staying here, it makes me so depressed.
There is also threats of violence too like he will say "I would have to punch you up if this happened".

He does give me child support which is the only positive.

It was our child's birthday on Friday and all he did was complain about having to ask my permission if it was OK if his friends came over

All he did was moan and complain.
I had to ask him to leave as I told him I was not tolerating his abuse anymore in my home.

It is now Monday and now he is on about going through court to get joint custody if we don't stay together.

I really don't know what to do.

Is he a good Dad?

He loves our child but I do 99% of the parenting as be believes a woman's job is stay at home, cook, clean etc.

I would be severely worried about leaving our child alone with him as he has no idea what to do other than to change a nappy.

Well done for realising he is abusive and you need to split . He might start to be charming to win you back. Remember that is part of the abuse cycle as well. If you think he can be trusted not to hurt your child, go for the status quo with childcare (as in if you were doing 80/20, that should continue). He doesn't come to your house anymore and you don't facilitate his life in any way.
Women's aid will be able to offer some support from people who know more about how the legal stuff works.

They always threaten to take the kids. In reality they don't want it. It's just a other way to keep some control.

Let him crack on. They usually always lose interest.

This. It's a threat to make you comply. Say fine, and stop getting back with him. How old is baby?

You need to make the break and make it permanent. He might threaten 50/50 parenting but in reality he's probably far too selfish to go through with it. He's just using that as a way to manipulate you. Call his bluff and tell him you think 50/50 shared care will be great as it will give you so much more free time!

Baby is a year old.

Because he isn't hands on and leaves everything to me he would have no idea on looking after our child on his own.

I'm not how his access would work as I don't want him coming to my home as he will just make a mess, start arguments etc.
I don't think it's fair or right that I have to endure such abuse in my own home from this man.

I have threatened to call the police before as he will just make me cry and tell me to be quiet and refuse to leave.

I literally feel so stuck.
Only reason I haven't called the police is because he says he will report me to SS.

Call SS yourself then before he does. Explain what's happening. Maybe it wouldnt be a bad thing for them to be involved to safeguard the child from HIM. Have things documented with the police.

He's blackmailing you. Don't fall for it. I would like to see him go to court and ask for joint custody. Do you really think this is what the lazy bastard wants? He's really an a-hole and you should have gotten rid long time ago. Now only allow to meet up if it's specifically to see dc. Are his parents around and are they stable? Maybe you could work out a schedule where you leave dc with him/them since he doesn't even know to change a diaper. And you said he wanted to have kids. He just didn't want to take care of them. Seen it too often, still makes me sad.

I can’t get over the fact that you have a child together and yet you haven’t visited his flat since 2016! This isn’t a relationship! It just sounds like he lumped with you from convenience and then at some point you got pregnant and now here we are.

Things will be so much easier for your child if you not being together is just normal, not a sudden rupture when they are old enough to remember you being together. He will not go for 50/50 because he will not want to put the effort in. He hasn’t so far. My dad said exactly the same. I never in my entire life had an overnight with him and I saw him for the day maybe once every 2 months. The change in stress levels at home was palpable when he left though. I wish my mum had gotten rid of him sooner.

You’re prob with a narc, they love to play hot and cold. The guy likely has many other love interests (which is why he keeps you away and then jumps back into your life)..something called hoovering in psychology.

Your baby is young, stop this pattern now. Look into trauma bonding and you may see why you keep bringing him back. Record all his manipulation for when he wants to smear you. He will use your child to control you (they all do), be prepared for it with evidence of his abuse. And whatever you do, don’t let him know you are recording.

No one who treats the mother the way OP has described is a good dad.

Yes I would call ss or womens aid myself. You need support to get out of this.

Don't let him in. Can you facilitate his relationship with the child outside of your home? If you need mediation perhaps contact Social Services.

It's going to be messy splitting up with this guy and with a child between you. However you can do this while prioritising your child's welfare and your own safety is key.

So what if he does 'report' you to SS? What for? What do you think they will do?
You hold the cards here. You don't live together and you don't have to let him have any contact that you're not happy with.
does he have any decent family members who would support him and you with contact - doing handovers and helping him look after the baby too if he needs it?
If so you could offer a couple of afternoons a week for example.
Ignore his bollocks about going to court for shared care. He's unlikely to do this, and if he does, he's unlikely to get anything like.

End the relationship. Make it clear that you want to support his relationship with his child but as for you and him it’s over.

contact charities who can offer advice as to what to do in these situations.

hes not going to want 50/50 custody even if he says it now.