12 things about my six year old - could she be neurodivergent?

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I am really struggling with my six year old daughter.

Please can I go through things that often play on my mind - I know I should probably talk to experts, but sometimes it’s good to talk to other mums first for a sense of what’s happening, or might be happening. I have done this test and she scored 7, so the NHS advice I suppose would be see a GP www.plymouthhospitals.nhs.uk/download.cfm?doc=docm93jijm4n7723.pdf&ver=23626

1. At two/three or so, she would go to talk to strangers in parks etc - BUT it was COVID, so I feel she was just seeking socialisation
2. At six now, she smells everything, she also runs her hands over most surfaces
3. Sticking with six from here on: There’s a daily meltdown. They usually happen morning and night, before school and before sleep. Everything will be fine, and then one thing will set the whole house off because she refuses to do something and the attitude deteriorates into really moody teenager, rude and impolite. The noise levels escalate (not from me, I don’t raise my voice) and we are all frozen trying to sort the issue out. This morning, for instance, she refused to put socks on. This took up 30 mins of fuss.
4. Getting dressed alone is a problem. She does not want to do it and always needs help. She can do it though, once when we headed to the park, she was ready in record time, no fuss. She also does not want to be alone upstairs or downstairs. Yesterday, she needed someone in the loo with her while she used it because she said she was scared of the shower.
5. She eats slowly - sometimes we are sitting at the table for an hour for her to finish. She does eat all foods though, she likes to try things.
6. She talks constantly - even when brushing teeth. It’s non.stop.
7. She’s good at school - no complaints from teachers. She’s had one incident in three years that was her fault - she said something aggressive to a friend after falling out.
8. She sometimes hits her younger sister when angry, as in when they fight.
9. She cries every day during these meltdowns - are daily meltdowns normal for any six year old, or is she possibly neurodivergent?
10. She is really jealous of her little sister despite all my efforts to show her otherwise, I make time to be together alone, I always tell her I love her, we spend days together, we’ve been on holiday together, and she’s been alone with my husband on holiday too. She’s had many special times.
11. She has friends at school, she gets invited to parties, she seems to be fine.
12. She’s a massive whinger - and constantly changes her mind.

It’s impossible to know based on this because some of the behaviour could be attention seeking. If she is struggling to adjust from being the sole focus of attention to sharing you with a sibling then she may be trying to get any attention she can. 30 mins of fuss over socks is 30 mins of focus on her.

I would speak to the school and see if they have noticed anything.

@ChazsBrilliantAttitude I have spoken with the teachers - they are totally happy with her on all fronts, great attitude, positive, hardworking etc etc...I think the only feedback was that she prioritises quality over quantity in her work - so too much of a perfectionist and should instead just kind of get into it, make mistakes.

As a pp noted, it is hard to say, because likewise I think some ( most?) of this sounds as though it could be wilfully driven, rather than something else underlying the behaviour.

@Rachel757677 to be honest I don’t think she is, but I just struggle with her. Consequences don’t work, she has a short fuse, it all feels like a massive drain and I’m walking on egg shells.

I don't think she does sound ND based only on what you've said, but it may help you to look up parenting techniques used by parents of ND children -in particular de-escalation techniques might be helpful.

She might be ND, but she's a little young to say for sure.

From this list, she mostly sounds a little immature for her age and perhaps lacking in emotional regulation skills. Emotional regulation is something you can work on and maturity comes with time- some kids just stay young a bit longer

This is honestly meant supportively op, and as something to ease your load, but she sounds a little spoiled. That’s absolutely not a criticism of your parenting as, especially with awareness of ND playing on mums’ minds, it isn’t always easy to know when to allow for certain behaviours a bit more. But to me it sounds as though some of those things will rectify if you trust yourself to ( gently!) demand a bit more cooperation from her. The dressing for the park example is very telling!

She sounds exhausting but entirely normal ime. I could be wrong ofc but just keep doing what you're doing and you'll work it out.

Potentially, but it could also be her personality. We're not the right people to speak to really.

The easiest way to tell is look at yours and her dads family tree - if it is peppered with odd bods, those who preferred to be alone, addiction problems, people particularly talented in a very certain area, those who just don't quite seem to fit into society then yes it's quite likely. My family tree is like that and DD was diagnosed at 13.

However, if yours isn't, then because autism and ADHD are largely inherited then no it probably isnt that.

A meltdown is not the same as a temper tantrum or crying because you aren't getting your own way, it is the result of being so thoroughly over stimulated that your brain can't take any more and either comes out physically in a meltdown - which can not be reasoned or convinced out if you have to ride the storm, or internally as a shutdown where they lose the ability to talk.

If she is ND then there is not a magic wand, you have to adapt your parenting techniques to suit, there is no harm in doing that anyway parenting that benefits autistic and ADHD children benefit all children.

Nothing there stands out to me as neuro divergent but that doesn't mean there isn't a problem. Sibling rivalry can be brutal. Sounds like she is displaying a lot of attention seeking behaviours. I would be trying to introduce some 1 on 1 time with her - something special because she is the oldest. Kind of like a proactive measure to get rid of the need for attention seeking and see if that helps.

What triggers the meltdowns? I have a ND child and there are definitely sensory related aspects of the times we have the most issues. How is she with emotions? That is the other thing my ND child really struggles with understanding and responding to. I think you might struggle to get assessed based on what you have given as examples but no harm in trying ND parenting techniques (I enjoyed the low demand parenting book and find aspects of that useful and also the explosive child was useful to me too)

Nobody can diagnose on here, but you could try to get her on the list for a Dx - try the GP if school won't (they should though).

It is never a bad thing to parent as if she is Nd though - might help you and certainly won't hurt of she turns out not to be. She is clearly anxious (re: being alone) and I can recommend this book for those worries https://images.app.goo.gl/3DEN37DK3ZxQrRs87 - obviously there are others but I've successfully used some of the techniques in this one.

With the meltdowns it sounds like transitions causing the problem. In the morning a very very reliable routine can help - written down with pictures - and making sure you get up really early (sorry). In the evenings I would assume she is overwhelmed and make sure everything after school/activities is made very calm and easy.

There are lots of other techniques you can read up about but my main point is, treat the behaviour as if she needs help to do what you want rather than that she's deliberately being awkward, as you would with an ND kid but arguably should with everyone in the whole world!

Agreed - though of course none of us can say for sure. You could speak to professionals but without concerns at school, pursuing a diagnosis can be more of a challenge.

I second the advice about parenting like she’s ND - this is what I do with my younger DS.

At this age my older DS was melting down daily and was very difficult to manage. He’s now the easiest and most delightful teenager I’ve ever met. I’m ND but he’s not showing any signs I can see.

We can't really be sure with what you have so far.

There are quite a few familiar flags there tbh.

At this age, sometimes it's just the sense you have as mum more than anything. I was telling myself I didn't think ND either until about 9 when it started to become quite apparent. I think the fact you're on here and your questions is your instinct. You know, but it takes time to understand, especially when you have no support from school or doctors.

I doubt the school will help you here or the NHS. It saddens me to say. My child is ND in multiple ways. The school kept saying no problem, the NHS refused to assess. This is a child ND in MULTIPLE ways and we couldn't even get an assessment.

I believe your instincts are telling you ND is what's happening here. You'll continue to tear your hair out trying to apply advice of well meaning people regards discipline and all these other things that won't work.

One day you'll just say, yep. This is a typical journey for many, especially if PDA is also involved with autism. It might be worth exploring options for a private assessment in the next few years. By 8, it may be much more clear. Until then you'll probably be gaslit by school, NHS.

I’d be more interested to know what she was like in the early years. Of all the behaviours you’ve mentioned, the only one that sticks out as possible ND is the sensory seeking behaviour.

Meltdowns nearly always have a trigger, so is it sensory? Routine? Transitions? Or all three? In this case you could look at making her routine more visual, or talk through with her what is going to happen. If she’s fully verbal and has good receptive speech, the latter is an approach that in theory should work.

Her sociability is something that clearly isn’t hindering her, whereas the vast majority of ND kiddos do have some degree of difficulty in this are, given that it’s one of the main indicators of potential autism for example. She talks a lot you say, but does she know when to let other talk? Does she retain friendships?

Could be a wait and see thing, but it seems like if you take away the meltdowns you have a pretty happy well adjusted child there.

Some children are just highly strung by nature and that's not a disorder in itself. SD is ND and super laidback. DD is NT (from what I can tell) and pretty tightly wound. Orchids and daffodils and all.

OP's child might be ND but nothing here sounds particularly ND, but I'd probably guess she was describing a 4 yo rather than a 6 yo.

The emotional immaturity she's showing could be a sign of ASD (kids with ASD can be up to 3 years behind emotionally) - or it might not. Once kids hit secondary school age, that's often when the differences become more obvious.

I would make a note of all the things you have here and keep adding to it if you notice anything else. Is she very black and white about things? Is she quite literal? Would you describe her as quirky? Does she struggle with transitions at all? From what you've said it's really hard to say one way or another and I think you might struggle to get an assessment even if she is autistic.

@Tina159 I don't think she's particularly black and white. She understands complicated things easily. She does have a strong sense of justice (she tells on her classmates way too much, even though I've tried to urge her against it in kind words), she's poetic, has big energy, and to be fair she can play well with the younger one - she usually dominates the game though, she's the teacher in role play, she's the waiter and chef, but I think that's normal for an elder sibling.

Transitions are hard, yes. I love the idea of visualising the steps to get ready, because she loves drawing more than anything else. And she's already given herself an author name and written a couple of "books".

She does have some separation anxiety still I think. Yesterday she asked if I was going to be around forever, because Bluey said something about forever in the show. She asked if I'd be around "even when I am 30".

Sounds normal

Stop searching for a diagnosis

@MrsSunshine2b Yes, and our 4 year old is just getting on with it all. She can dress herself and while she tantrums maybe twice a week, it's never more than 15 mins, and she just gets it out and moves on. The older one hangs on to everything - and works herself up. It is often debilitating.

@Calliopespa I totally agree she could be spoiled - but the question is what to do. If I say something, she just shouts and makes a huge show. I do consequences, but they don't appear to be working.

I'd treat her as if she is ND. Even your follow up post is following the same pattern we all went through and see on here when mums start realising. Usual things don't work.

Ross Greene - The Explosive Child - is really informative. There's quite a lot to it but it's a really good starting point for many of us.

Whoever said stop searching for a diagnosis. Get away with you. The power of a mother's instincts are so strong. Mum knows and that's why she's here. It's a process and in time it will become clear.

I don't believe your child is spoilt or you're doing something wrong.

What I believe is that you are naturally adapting to a child that seems instinctively to be more non compliant than all the other kids. You're just trying to find ways to work round it. 🙏