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Original poster

Parents Xmas plans?

20 replies

Stressedgiraffe · 17/11/2024 22:20

I spent a number of years abroad but have been back in the UK for the last 5 years. Since then my parents have spent Xmas with me once. They always come boxing day We moved 3 years ago to their town and I thought things would change. I'm an only child but they go to my only child cousin with my aunt and uncle every year.
I asked them again this year and they said boxing day. Tbh I'm hurt.

OP posts:
pilates · 17/11/2024 22:23

That’s sad. I would be honest and say to them I’m a little hurt to not be included for Christmas Day again.

Original poster
Stressedgiraffe · 17/11/2024 22:27

I have but they told me today they're spending Xmas with my cousin . They say it's as she has a younger dd 12 but my dc 16 and 18 miss out.and then they complain their not close to their grandchildren

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/11/2024 22:30

Presumably this is something they got into the habit of whilst you lived abroad. And rather than on their own for Xmas just like a normal day, your cousin, aunt and uncle included them as part of their plans. So maybe they feel it would look rude to drop them now you are back. Maybe you could suggest hosting them and your aunt uncle and cousin.

Thedishwasherbroke · 17/11/2024 22:31

Is that the only opportunity they have to see the other relatives? Or perhaps they feel, if these are people who invited them every Christmas while you were abroad, that to drop them now you’re back would be rude.

RickiRaccoon · 17/11/2024 22:38

That's a bit weird. Normally people do try and be with their nearest relatives on Christmas.

Have they just got stuck into a tradition?Sometimes things do move on while you're away overseas and you don't quite slot back in. Still, you'd think, if Christmas as the cousin's is now some great tradition, you could tag along too.

I'd actually be inclined to make plans Boxing Day just to make a point and catch up with them sometime before the New Year.

Original poster
Stressedgiraffe · 17/11/2024 22:44

No it's a long story. Short story.They prioritise my cousin she makes £30k rents at a discounted rate and 1 child her dh has sporadic work and is now wants to be a Pastor/Vicar.
I work ft disabled dh and 2 kids. 1 autistic and Asd (diagnosed) but because I make double her money I'm not seeming to be struggling.

OP posts:
Switchingitup · 18/11/2024 05:47

i would be hurt… but I can also be petty as fuck. You are not their priority so never feel bad about not prioritising them going forward.

Do you actually want to see them on Boxing Day? If yes, I think you need to accept that this is who they are and adjust your expectations accordingly. If no, I’d reply that the invitation was for Christmas Day and that Boxing Day doesn’t work for you this year. Wish them a Merry Christmas and tell them you look forward to seeing them sometime in the new year.

Monday55 · 18/11/2024 06:21

Could you ask your cousin to join in? Maybe get there early morning with half of the food and help cook, make a big day off it?

B1anche · 18/11/2024 06:45

Perhaps they just feel closer to your cousin and family. You say you were abroad for a number of years so it could be that their relationship with your cousin developed then.

Original poster
Stressedgiraffe · 18/11/2024 06:57

It probably is that but we came back as they are getting older and moved to their town. At great expense in the SE. I thought they'd want to spend time with their grandchildren. They always say they prefer boxing day with us to Xmas day but still do it. Better food etc

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 18/11/2024 07:03

Have you ever asked why you can't join in at your Aunt's place every couple of years? You could bring a cooked turkey or whatever helps out best. It is a little odd that your parents have not invited you along with them.
Do you get along with your only cousin?

Whaleandsnail6 · 18/11/2024 07:05

I wonder if it is because they became close to your cousin whilst you were away, and this was how they always did Christmas and now they would feel like they were ditching them for you if they didnt celebrate it with them...like they were a second best stop gap for when you were abroad? You had your life and traditions whilst away, I imagine they had theirs.

Could you offer to host them all? Or just accept that this is the routine they have gotten into and make boxing day special?

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 18/11/2024 07:12

DH mum always declines our invite to spend Christmas with us and I know it hurts DH feelings.

Previously it was because DHs much younger siblings would always be home at Christmas. We always invited them too but they wanted to do it at home. Now DH siblings are all settled down and married too but MIL still stays at home and hosts a houseful of friends instead.

it is a shame as DC would absolutely love mil to be here and so would DH. But we’ve accepted it’s unlikely to happen sadly.

BadPeopleFan · 18/11/2024 07:16

You spent 'a number of years' abroad when presumably your parents were not your priority? You then moved back to 'their town' and what? Expected to slot right back in, sod the parents and other relatives that had been cracking on without you!
There are consequences to moving so far away from family for extended periods of time, life isn't a Hallmark movie with everyone waiting to welcome you back with open arms!

Original poster
Stressedgiraffe · 18/11/2024 07:21

I've offered to have everyone. We have a 5 bed house so have room. My cousin has a 2 bed flat. She won't invite me as she's very religious and disapproves if my dc who have dyed hair and one is trans and autistic and she thinks they will be a bad influence on her dd

OP posts:
BodyKeepingScore · 18/11/2024 07:59

They've established traditions while you didn't live in the country. I think it's unfair to expect them to change those traditions just because you now live closer.

They've offered to spend Boxing Day with you which is a reasonable alternative.

You being hurt is perfectly valid, but so is their wish to spend their Christmas Day however they choose.

Your DC are not used to spending Christmas with them so it's not like that had been the status quo and now they're being snubbed.

Rocknrollstar · 18/11/2024 08:05

I don’t understand the problem. Your cousin clearly stepped up when you werent around for Christmas. You get to have a nice family Christmas Day with your children and then they get to spend Boxing Day with their grandparents. We always did this. What is the problem?

Zonder · 18/11/2024 08:08

Embrace it. Enjoy a family day on Christmas Day that's just you guys. Do what you want, have pizza for lunch if you like. Then spend boxing day doing traditional stuff with your parents. They are still spending time with you at Christmas. It doesn't have to be an issue.

CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease · 18/11/2024 08:18

Oh I see your update…. is there a sense that your parents also disapprove of your children?

WhatNoRaisins · 18/11/2024 08:26

It sounds like your parents have started their own Christmas tradition with this family that they have kept up. I'm guessing that they all worry that your family and theirs won't go together very well and so to them Boxing Day is the compromise.

As it's close family I don't think you'd be at all unreasonable to have a conversation with your DP about how this situation makes you feel.

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