AIBU to think focusing on "firsts" makes parenting more stressful?

[ArcheryAnnie]

I see so many posts, here and elsewhere, where someone is upset that a "first" has been "usurped" by someone who is not the parent of a small child. These "firsts" can be very ordinary things - the first nappy change, the first time trying icecream, the first time putting a bow in your kid's hair, whatever - and the upset over not being present for this "first", and the common characterisation of this as "something we will never get back", which then causes genuine and longlasting distress, seems disproportionate to me.

I get that some firsts are more important than others! And some firsts have specific or cultural significance. But others just seem to be part of an ever-increasing sort of performative thing that ends up feeling very real, and when these ordinary "firsts" end up being missed, for whatever reason, then the parents who have learned that even very ordinary "firsts" are indeed somehow important, end up being hurt because they've missed out on something. It all seems so unnecessary.

....just me then, clearly!

I don't parent by other people

It's social media to blame, making out these things are important!

Parenting is stressful regardless of first… parents stress about everything

I agree with you. I wasn't at either of my kids first day at school. I'm a teacher so I had to be at work. There are much bigger things to worry about

I agree.

I was honestly too exhausted to place much importance on "firsts" other than the usual first steps, first day at school etc.

Both DS have SEN. Their developmental trajectory wasn't typical anyway. DS1 never crawled, just decided to stand up and walk and off he went. Wasn't a big talker until he was 3 or so. Didn't (and still doesn't) like ice cream or chocolate, so his first taste of those weren't exactly Insta moments. DS2 couldn't shut him up or slow him down 🤣 He first walked when he was with my mum. She tried to get a video of it but he walked into the sofa so she had to put her phone down on the table and all we got was 5 minutes of the ceiling 😂 We all had a laugh about it. So many stressful things in life, especially when you're an entirely neurodivergent family, so that's definitely not one of the things I'm bothered about!

Agreed. I had this same thought recently. Honestly I don’t even remember half of these things now anyway. Remember the good things rather than the first things I reckon.

Thank you, all!

I agree OP. I was astounded to find out nursery staff generally lie to parents about children's first steps if they take them there so the parent doesn't think they've missed it. Completely bizarre to me that I was meant to be patronised like that rather than just interested that a milestone had been met.

I've seen someone kicking off on here outraged that their MIL (of course it was MIL) who had arranged a visit to see Father Christmas and this was obviously a controlling move because everyone knows the first visit to FC is a massive thing that the parent has to be there for. News to me that that's a thing.

Agreed, IMO firsts are only the 'first of many' that we are privileged to experience as parents.

And a lot of these firsts are gradual anyway... lots of DCs cruise, stagger and stumble... the first step isn't always so clear.

Plus I was happy to share firsts and the joy of them when they happened!!

The only one I was a bit miffed about was when DH and his DSis gave DD the first taste of an ice lolly without me. But it was a lovely moment for them and I just said to myself that I didn't own all the firsts, and to be happy for their enjoyment of the moment.

I think it's more about a selfish, social- media influenced mindset really. I've always just been delighted that my DC were happy and healthy!