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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my dh being unhelpful?

17 replies

cracktback · 17/11/2024 21:42

I am really struggling with my back at minute. I've had issues for 15 years but last few months it's got worse. I do Pilates,yoga, walking . I'm under physio and do exercises everyday. I'm also struggling with peri menopause and have aches, fatigue, headaches, weight gain, insomnia. This is hindering my ability to exercise, previously in addition to above I did weights, swimming and Zumba. But currently I'm struggling so much with energy levels and back pain.

Dh keeps getting frustrated as my back will lock and I struggle to move , I also can't do any heavy lifting. So some tasks are falling to him. He keeps lecturing me that I need to do more and maybe include cardio. He is 8 years younger than me and very into fitness so considers himself an expert. I keep explaining that what works for a man in his late thirties isn't necessarily best for a woman in her mid forties.

Dh had a go at me tonight for not listening and seems to have a bee in his bonnet that he's right. I got cross and told him to stop lecturing me as it's not helpful.

Am I right to ignore his lectures and continue to follow physio recommendations even if it's taking time to fix

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username358 · 17/11/2024 21:49

I don't really understand what he's complaining about. Is he frustrated that you're bedridden, not recovering quickly enough or complaining?

Some people have no patience with other people being ill. They just don't have time for it. If that's his problem I would be very annoyed and tell him to keep his opinions to himself.

vodkaredbullgirl · 17/11/2024 21:49

Stick with your physio, they know best.

XChrome · 17/11/2024 21:52

You are completely right to continue to follow the recommendations of physio and your doctor. Your husband is being an asshole. Don't tolerate it. Make it clear to him that this is the way it's going to be, that you will not discuss it further and that if he tries lecturing you again you will end the conversation immediately.

Newdaynewstarts · 17/11/2024 21:54

Forget age, he is inconsiderate and unkind.

cracktback · 17/11/2024 22:05

username358 · 17/11/2024 21:49

I don't really understand what he's complaining about. Is he frustrated that you're bedridden, not recovering quickly enough or complaining?

Some people have no patience with other people being ill. They just don't have time for it. If that's his problem I would be very annoyed and tell him to keep his opinions to himself.

I think he wants it to stop. Party for my benefit and partly to make his life easier.

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cracktback · 17/11/2024 22:07

I don't really complain, sometimes I need help moving or I'll ask him to carry something. I'm not bedridden but I am in pain most of the time.

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HelpMeHelpTheKids · 17/11/2024 22:10

Newdaynewstarts · 17/11/2024 21:54

Forget age, he is inconsiderate and unkind.

This. Chronic back pain is exhausting and depressing. I know it’s hard to fully understand if you’ve never experienced it but he’s being startling unempathetic.

cracktback · 17/11/2024 22:10

He makes me feel like I'm failing in some way and I feel like I can't ask him to help because he uses it against me.

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HelpMeHelpTheKids · 17/11/2024 22:11

cracktback · 17/11/2024 22:10

He makes me feel like I'm failing in some way and I feel like I can't ask him to help because he uses it against me.

Is this part of a bigger problem? This doesn’t sound good at all.

cracktback · 17/11/2024 22:15

He's not great at picking up the slack. It's like he can cope with a certain amount - so he works full time, helps with kids bedtime and on a weekend will do cooking and laundry and help with kids. But if more is needed like if I'm ill he struggles to cope.

I work part time so I do more of housework/kids typically.

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Noseybookworm · 17/11/2024 22:35

How long have you been doing the exercises and do you feel any improvement at all? If not you need to go back to GP/Physio - you might need xray or scan to see if there's any trapped nerve/bulging disc etc. I can understand your partner feeling frustrated if he sees you struggling and not getting any better - he shouldn't be taking it out on you though! And I would definitely ignore his advice about doing more cardio etc 🙄

XChrome · 17/11/2024 22:51

OP, I have been there and it did not end well. The lack of empathy is a symptom of a deeper problem inside him. He sounds like he has narcissistic tendencies. He thinks he's always right, he has low empathy, and he's selfish. Those are classic signs. Sorry to have to say this, but I think you should prepare yourself for the end. The majority of men will eventually leave wives who are ill. That's a statistical fact. Given he has low empathy and is selfish, I think it's highly unlikely he will be among the minority who stick it out. I say this because I don't want you to be blindsided. Get your ducks in a row as much as you can. Put some money aside.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 17/11/2024 22:55

I struggle with back pain, muscle spasms and pinched nerves so I know how agonising and debilitating it can be. If I had anyone moaning at me because I wasn't able to do much, I would not be impressed.

I'd be listening to your physio and Pilates instructor rather than someone advising you to do more cardio. What an idiot! Jumping around will make it much worse.

As an aside, are you on HRT? Pelvis problems can be helped with oestrogen pessaries.

Although I wouldn't wish back problems on anyone your DH needs to slip a disc and find out what it's all about out. He'd soon change his tune.

Nsky62 · 17/11/2024 22:55

He’d hate me, with mid stage Parkinson’s 62, and going privately for neuro physio, it helps.
Sadly I can’t escape it

TwoShades1 · 17/11/2024 22:56

He sounds a bit shit and not very empathetic. You should definitely continue to take advice from physio, doctor and other professionals. That said you say it has been several months, is there any improvement? If it’s not improving then you might need further investigation or to do something different. Is he becoming frustrated that you aren’t being proactive enough in addressing the issue and trying to improve it.

ManhattanPopcorn · 17/11/2024 22:58

Why does he think cardio will help?

cracktback · 18/11/2024 05:10

ManhattanPopcorn · 17/11/2024 22:58

Why does he think cardio will help?

I think he thinks I'm not fit enough over all and this may be due to the fact that my exercise doesn't get you heart pumping

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