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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel let down by friends?

10 replies

Greentrees2024 · 17/11/2024 13:39

An immediate family member was diagnosed with cancer a few months back. Needless to say it was a horrific time but thankfully they got the all clear after surgery.

However I can’t help but think about how I felt let down by friends. If I had a friend in my situation, I would be sending a text now and again to see how my friend’s loved one is doing and checking that they are ok too.

Instead, my closest friend texted me about normal stuff and didn’t mention the diagnosis.

An old friend who I had recently reconnected with also never bothered to check in, even though they knew the date of the big results (finding out all clear or not). They did always have form for being a flaky friend.

Both shared sympathy when I told them face to face but I would’ve expected more from them. They both know my family member as we are childhood friends.

The only reason they now know about the all-clear is because I proactively told them.

Am I being too sensitive? Perhaps they felt awkward and didn’t want to intrude? They both are busy people with lots going on in their life - albeit nice things.

It’s making me want to distance myself from these friendships. However these people are currently going through nice times - big life milestones etc and I am worried they will think I look jealous. When in fact I am just hurt and shocked. It feels like a shadow that will haunt our friendships now.

OP posts:
Ella31 · 17/11/2024 13:43

I mean this so kindly, people just don't feel the way you do for obvious reasons. When my twin babies died at birth last year, ppl were great at the beginning and within weeks, their lives moved on when mine had just stopped. A year later at their first birthday, very few remembered. It hurts but it made me realise. Life really is your journey and no one else's. It's not that they don't care, they do, they just don't get it.

I'm really glad to hear your family member is in recovery and doing well xxxx

ThatGladTiger · 17/11/2024 13:44

Society these days is very much what is happening in the immediate now in front of us. With social media we think about something when we see it, sympathise, then move on.

I don’t think your friends have done anything wrong. They sympathised when you told them, and would do every time you gave an update. But it’s your immediate family, not theirs.

It’s not that they don’t care, but these days there is information overload!

Don’t let this ruin any friendships x

hadenoughofplayinggames · 17/11/2024 14:14

People often take the lead from the person in the difficult situation, so if you didn’t bring it up they maybe didn’t ask to avoid upsetting you etc. They were sympathetic in person. I think people just differ in how they approach these kind of things so it’s not much use thinking “that’s not what I would have done”.

WTDAC · 17/11/2024 14:18

Two of my best friends are having treatment for breast cancer at the moment. Reading your post, I thought gosh, I haven't been in touch with them for weeks. I feel bad, and I will text them now, but it doesn't mean I don't care, just that I am juggling a million things, and sometimes I just forget.

MatildaTheCat · 17/11/2024 14:18

Some people really are just crap at difficult times. My best friend died completely unexpectedly recently and most people, including close family, never mention it or ask how her family or I am doing.

I forgive them but I won’t forget.

I hope your family member is doing well and you can put this difficult time behind you.

Squirrelblanket · 17/11/2024 14:22

People are different. My mum was diagnosed with cancer this year and when me and my sister told our friends, we politely asked that they wait for us to give any updates rather than us being asked about it constantly. This is so we didn't have to keep going over the same information with different people, but we also wanted our friendships to remain a place where we could escape from thinking about it for a while, or making other people feel like they need to keep asking.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 17/11/2024 16:10

@Ella31 I am so sorry for your loss, what a tragedy

Newgirls · 17/11/2024 16:40

They were sympathetic and care for you. Sadly cancer is incredibly common and I’m struggling to think of people who are not affected by it. Sometimes people like to have their minds taken off it and talk about other things too. I doubt they want to upset you.

NewName24 · 17/11/2024 16:50

I don’t think your friends have done anything wrong. They sympathised when you told them, and would do every time you gave an update. But it’s your immediate family, not theirs.
It’s not that they don’t care, but these days there is information overload!
Don’t let this ruin any friendships

I agree with this.
People only have a finite capacity and updates about the health of relatives of friends don't always make it to the forefront of their minds.

It doesn't mean they don't care about you, or about your relative, and isn't something you should ruin a longstanding friendship over.

Greentrees2024 · 21/11/2024 21:11

Thank you for all your replies. It’s made me take it less personally although it is still depressing to think to life is too busy for a simple “how are things”.

sorry to those who have also experienced similar 😔

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