Dad died and friends didn’t visit

[BoldDeer]

When Dad died unexpectedly, I had to move back to UK from living overseas. I’m 33 and most of my friends have newborns / toddlers. Only one childless friend made the effort to visit me at my house when I moved back. Others kindly invited me to theirs but never came to visit me.

My best friend made me godmother to her daughter. She lives 4hrs drive away and in the first two years I was back I went to visit her ten times, for her Childs newborn phase, her birthday, Childs first, Childs christening, when her sister was ill etc.

i am feeling very resentful she didn’t make an effort to visit me until after 2.5years when she came to say one night and now her second is born she’s wanting me to come up and visit her to meet him. Our whole friendship I mostly came to visit her so maybe she expects it, but I’m suffering from depression and I want to feel like my friends want to come to see me rather than being the visitor friend all the time.

Am I being unreasonable?

YANBU. I’m so sorry for your loss. I think it is reasonable to hope that your best friend would reciprocate the effort that you’ve made, particularly when you are struggling. Admittedly it is much more difficult to do these trips when you have a baby/small children, depending on the support that is available. I think this is symptomatic of the disconnection and loneliness in this country, we are increasingly insular and it is not a healthy or natural way to live.

I hope you can look to expanding your social circle and make some local connections. It is really hard when friends live further away and when children are added in there can be long periods of reduced contact. Life can be so busy and stressful for everyone. Be kind to yourself OP 💐

Sorry to hear this.
I think its, unfortunately, very normal. You're young so you might be the first of your friends to lose a parent- somehow, people often don't realise the magnitude of bereavement until it's their turn (despite it being obvious how awful it would be, your Dad dying!)
There's also, the old thing of "I wouldn't know what to say," which is unhelpful but genuine and people feel awkward so just don't end up showing up- particularly true in the UK I think, where we are good at celebrating the beginning of life, but not so good at coping with the end- which is just as normal.
It's sad and depressing, but really common. Go onto any bereavement forum and you will find people who have been let down by friends and family.
What I will say, is in my own experience, I cut friends off who I felt let me down. I couldn't fathom staying friends with someone who isn't there for you when you need them. Now it's years later, I wish I hasn't done that.
Things will get better and easier to cope with x

Im sorry for your loss.
People can feel like they are intruding if they visit someone grieving. They can feel like possibly they aren’t part of the “inner circle” and their visit might be unwelcome. Some people may not know what to do/say.

People are complicated. You aren’t being unreasonable to feel hurt they didn’t visit you, but they might not have wanted to impose at a vulnerable time.

Am I right in thinking your dad passed some time ago? You said that friend visited 2,5h years after you moved back home.
Have you actually expressed any of this to your friend(s)? What was their response?