Dealing with rude ex

[dinopants23]

Ex and I generally get on well and manage co parenting our 10 year old without many issues. However he has a shitty temper and believes he's always correct about everything which can be irritating.

Ds is at his dads this weekend and is due to be taken to one of his good friends houses for a small birthday party at 11. Unfortunately the mum has had a delay and asked if it would be possible for the kids to arrive half an hour later.

I woke up to a flurry of angry messages from ex about how ridiculous it was to change the time, how it's fucked up their day and when I tried to gently suggest it's only half an hour and if I can help by taking him I can...I just got snide, sarcastic messages about it being his contact time and he will manage his own day.

Firstly I don't see the big deal, it's half an hour. But if it's a problem why not raise it with the mum? Why do I deserve shit? I didn't change the time. I suspect knowing him like I do he will also be ranting to ds about it and making him feel bad.

I will have to see him later for drop off and I don't know how to react. On one hand he probably will have calmed down by then so maybe best to leave it. On the other I'm not sure why he thinks it's acceptable to be so rude over something that isn't my fault. He's got form for it and I'm sick of it.

With a similar Ex. Would have ignored the messages, this is his arrangements with another mum nothing to do with me. I wouldn't acknowledge just breezily ask DC you f they had a next time and then cheerily say to ex see you on X at Y.
He is trying to stir you up, you can't change him the only thing you can change is your reaction. When you stop reacting he is likely to get worse, but if you keep ignoring him he will eventually stop.

Thank you I was tempted to respond with something equally sarcastic about it not being me who changed the time. But I didn't because it just fuels the fire like you say.

It just pisses me off how he thinks he has the right to speak to me like that when I've done nothing wrong. He can go from being so pleasant usually to so rude at the flip of a switch if something pisses him off. Just hope he isn't ruining it for ds.

My Ex does it to get a reaction as that give him a feeling of power, don't answer and he looses his power. Yea he shouldn't speak to you like that, but if you realise why he is doing it. It makes you more powerful.

Glad he's your ex! You no longer need to be a punching back for his temper tantrums, grey rock his ass!

Bag!

You’re still seen as his emotional regulator by the sounds of things. Disengage from it.

I’d just reply - it’s only half an hour, hope he has a nice time - and not reply to anything after this.

When he drops your son off, just ask your son if he had a nice time, if ex tries to engage you in anything more just make non committal noises and send him on his way with a polite smile and wave.

It’s not your responsibility any more.

It's not my responsibility and as annoying as it is it doesn't bother me as such anymore. But I worry about ds being on the receiving end of it because it's as if anything that remotely inconveniences my ex has to be someone else's fault. He doesn't have the balls to actually take it up with the person who changed the plans and if I'm not engaging I suspect he will take it out on ds and make him feel bad for going to a party that has been put back by 30 minutes. So fucking pathetic and unfair on ds.

From experience the only way to avoid/reduce this sort of nonsense it to pre-empt it. If my children are invited to partied on existing time I hand over the invitation if it's a paper one. Or if it's via messages I reply to give them ex's details. That way I stay entirely out of the arrangements.

In future I would ignore his messages and if he starts, just say 'This is absolutely nothing to do with me.'

Your mistake was replying to him in the first place. His contact time, his problem.

Can see why he's an ex. Dont let him take it out on your son either.

He's your ex for a reason. Ignore it. Not worth engaging in his power-play games.

I would have ignored his message. It's nothing to do with you.

He needs a reality check sounds like a control freak. You just need to ignore him when his texts get abusive. If he calls and starts hang up. I would not engage when he is behaving this way. Just tell him when he does have a rant ' right have you finished now get out of your pram and pick your toys up! Hopefully he doesn't rant at yor DS but if he does I would be inclined to question whether contact should be limited. Wonder what he was going to do in that 30 minute window that was going to F up his day?

This is my sons father to a T. Add in misogynistic and homophobic!
he wasn’t always like this however it seems to be the last few years he’s gotten extremely bitter.
I used to just go minimum contact op. My son is now 14 and absolutely sick to death of his rants about nothing at all and has completely backed off going to his dads. Of course that’s all my fault, but just ignore as hard as it can be x