I know I am being unreasonable

[Snowdrop1990]

... but how can I stop feeling like this?

Every time my partner has a night out, I cannot settle until he is home. I literally lay awake rigid with anxiety all night. This is really becoming an issue for me, as we have two young children and I end up being absolutely knackered (emotionally and physically) the next day.

It's not that I don't trust him, but I can't quite put my finger on what my anxiety is actually about. I just have this feeling of impending doom like something really bad is going to happen, and although I don't pester him all night, I am constantly checking to see if he has been online - when I see he has, I feel momentarily relieved as it's like proof he is OK. But then I go back to this horrendous anxiety and no matter what I do I cannot settle or sleep until he is home.

My partner is fantastic and it's not like the nights out are frequent, maybe monthly if that. He deserves to let his hair down and have a night off. He does have a tendency to get extremely drunk when he does go out, and will occasionally stay out until the early hours (sometimes almost the morning). I ask him to let me know when he thinks he will be home then update me if this changes. In general he does do this, but he almost never comes home when he initially says.

I wish I could just enjoy the space and have a restful night sleep - rational me knows he will more than likely be fine bar a sore head. But nothing I have tried (mediation, breathing) helps me relax and get to sleep. I have had therapy in the past and potentially this is triggered by me losing close family members at a very young age and me having a deep fear of him dying, but surely everyone has a fear of something bad happening to their loved ones and are still OK with them being on a night out?

My partner is aware of my anxiety and like I said, is fairly good at letting me know if he is going to be late, but does get drunk and communication isn't always the best (but also I know I shouldn't expect him to check in with me constantly throughout the night). I try not to show I am anxious on the lead up but he has told me that he picks up on it and then its in the back of his head and he can't fully relax. We have good communication about it but I don't know what to do to make it better.

We are in our late 30s and have two small children, if this makes any difference.

I know this is very much a me problem but just wondering if anyone else has had similar and has some words of wisdom? It seems to be getting worse not better.

This is really unfair to ask of someone. No one should have to put a set time limit on their night or drink soft drinks to please someone else. It's OPs issue, not her DHs.

If my partner got extremely drunk and stayed out until all hours I’d be extremely anxious too. YANBU in any way.

I totally relate to this. To calm my mind down, I put on a series or movie I really like and makes me feel good and play on my laptop in bed and I fall asleep with that (or a podcast). I know it's not the best sleep hygiene but it helps quiet down the anxiety for the night. I also apply what I've learned from my therapist (I've got Generaised Anxiety Disorder so I know it's part of my many unhelpful ways of thinking to imagine the worst case scenario at all times, and not the actual probable scenario) and it helps too quiet the mind.

Is it because your hubby when he does drink drinks to a point of being so drunk and you worry he is not capable of making decisions about safety? I had similar - it was because my hubby was using as a stress release - suggestion was to find other ways of stress release but also I actually preferred he didn’t come home and planned to stay at his brothers if he was going to have a drinking night until late - he got to do his thing and I got to have a decent night not worrying about him / waiting until he came home.

I feel the same as you. I find it so odd the number of people on here who think
its unreasonable to worry. My husband rarely goes out but when he does he gets quite drunk. Like you I constantly check phone, and feel quite sick as the night goes on. I don’t tell him this, as I don’t want to be controlling. But I worked with someone who fell down the stairs while pissed and was in intensive care for two weeks. So I can’t just tell myself he’s a grown up and will be fine.

I think it's normal to worry! Often some men don't make the best decisions!

My DH works away, is a very capable man but when he's out I worry and always wait for that text or call to tell me he's back safely, if he's home and out I will prob go pick him up anyway (may as well as I'm not asleep and my DC are much older)

He went on his stag do in Benidorm
Last year and called me at 10pm completely lost. Drunk so wasn't getting any sense out of him 😂 this is why I worry haha

@Snowdrop1990 yep i hate it and i don’t want to be like it. Honestly at times i can be sick it gets that bad. He got attacked before i met him and i don’t know if it stems from that, but i also can’t remember being like that when we first got together. But it also applys basically to anyone i care about, people could be driving all over the country and if I don’t know they are doing it I wouldn’t give it a 2nd thought. But as soon as I know and then I don’t hear within a reasonable time they are at the destination it’s like boom hello anxiety. if I ring my parents and neither pick up and it’s dark out I’m like great somethings happened… not they have taken themselves off to cinema or to a friends. I genuinely can’t think of what the counsellor said it was but just had to rationalise basically, I just find it so distressing it’s horrible. But I will never demand he comes home or he drinks less, appreciate it if he does message but he shouldn’t need to, it’s my issue to deal with. He has never not come home and nothing bad has ever happened but it’s like if I worry about all the worse cases then it won’t maybe.

That a father of two kids goes out and stays out until the following morning, gets completely wasted (and high?) and lies about when he’s going to be home, that’ll be why you’re anxious.

I’m the same, but it’s when my DS goes out. He doesn’t do it often but when he does he drinks way too much. I can’t settle til I know he’s home safely. So I know the anxiety you feel and it’s not nice

My mother in law is like this. It's literally ruined her life. My father in law is currently in hospital and she refuses to stay at home alone. She has made my partner and her daughter (married with two children) move back in with her until he's home. My sister in law is also petrified of being at home alone (despite her two children being in their 20's) and begs my partner to stay there when her husband goes out for the night.

I don't think it's that OP's scared about being in the house alone, it's anxiety about something happening to the DP while he's out late and drunk. That's certainly the case for me anyway.

Honestly the solution here isn't asking your adult partner not to socialise monthly. That's really unfair and controlling.
This is something you need to deal with yourself .

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread, but I'd probably recommend trying to get some trauma therapy for this, I would lean more towards EMDR than CBT. You can get both in the NHS though.