To feel inferior to other women

[Lavenderfarmcottage]

I’m 40 female, 5’5 and about a size 18/20
depending on my clothing. I’m too scared to weigh myself at the moment. I have hashimotos. I am a single Mum with a 7 year old.

I have a degree in Arts writing & a patchy career as a Journalist. My family is extremely dysfunctional. Sister recently died after years of a serious psychiatric illness. My Mum is complex. My Father committed suicide years ago but I discovered a potential major fraud close to his death & was shut down from seeing information - I suspect there is more to it. My ex husband was violent with a temper and I left when my child was 2.

I am not working at the moment, my last job was in news and the hours with my child and a lack of support didn’t work. He is anxious about being anywhere other than with me for too long. He takes over a week to recover from viral asthma. I find parenting difficult alone and with little support. I don’t know how I’d manage work with a child. I really feel pushed to my limits most days mentally. I don’t find parenting easier, I find it exhausting.

I used to have a lot of friends but since having a child I’ve felt overwhelmed and found life hard. I’ve gained weight, I’m often tired & financially it’s a struggle.

I feel like everyone around me is thriving. At school drop of the Mums are attractive & stylish. I would be the only overweight Mum. My child always seems to befriend children that are from middle class homes with Mothers that are tall, slim, seemingly happy married & go on holidays & have very nice houses. Usually these Mums are quite cliquey and socialise their children in tight knit circles. My child is usually on the periphery of that. An example is they all joined a sporting team and when I asked about it, nobody gave me details, the team was filled and we had to join another team from another school. This was find as a ‘one off’ but things like this always happen in life. Generally I feel like I’m overlooked and not taken seriously or respected. I just feel like people aren’t rude or mean, they’re just generally not in a hurry to get to know me.

I generally feel a cool attitude from most people that they can either take me or leave me. I feel like I’m trying my best to be chatty and friendly but there’s obviously something I’m doing.

I own my home with no mortgage but it’s small and I need to weed and decorate and organise. I just feel like my energy and finances can’t keep up with the basics. I generally feel like people judge this and think I’m lazy for not gardening.

I just generally feel like I can’t keep up with life. I don’t want to go on antidepressants because some make me a bit anxious and have insomnia and going off them is hard, I don’t want to keep experimenting. There’s huge waiting lists for psychologists and they’re expensive where I am. I generally just feel grid locked and trapped by life that there’s no solutions and whenever I try something goes wrong or there’s some sort of obstacle.

I think I’ve posted this because I’m basically asking… how do I not be so isolated & excluded. It feels like it’s basically my son and I and that I am pedalling hard to give him a good childhood with minimal support and friendship. Everyone is busy and I’m not excluded but I’m usually on the periphery and an afterthought.

I didn’t want to read and run. A lot of what you said has resonated with me. I am beginning to look into an adhd diagnosis as I feel a lot of the tiredness stems from burnout related to that. Just a thought of something for you to perhaps explore too.
I don’t know what to suggest so hopefully some other posters will come along with some ideas. But massive hug to you xxx

I generally feel a cool attitude from most people that they can either take me or leave me. I feel like I’m trying my best to be chatty and friendly but there’s obviously something I’m doing.

This made me wonder if you’re ND, but obviously I have nothing much to base that on, so do realise it’s a shot in the dark.

Hi, fellow mum here 👋. Firstly, I'm sorry to read that you feel the way you do about yourself. Feeling so low can be debilitating and hard to see the wood from the trees. Feeling bad then kind of makes other things seem worse until the negativity and negative thoughts become an overwhelming vicious cycle.

Reading your message though I kept thinking wow because you've overcome/got through so much and your achievements (owning your own home, raising your child solo, your academic qualifications and career, as examples), are really impressive.

Also, you sound like a really lovely person, and I bet you'd be a great friend too. It's a shame if the school mum's aren't being warm and welcoming, but that's more likely to be a them thing than it is you. Everyone I speak to at the moment seems to just be at capacity mentally and not able to give more of themselves that they currently are, it's arguably selfish but everyone is just doing what they can to get by. The mental exhaustion, low energy, financial stress and feeling inadequate which you mentioned you feel is probably more common in most people than appearances would suggest.

I think it's also a point to state that your family are not a reflection on you and, whilst it is sad to hear that they have clearly suffered, (and I mean this in the kindest possible way) their personal issues are no more your responsibility than my own are to you.

No solutions as such, except maybe you and your DS to spend more time in nature together to maximise vitamin D exposure, and to enhance your feelings of calm. Ultimately, just wanted to share that you are not alone and you are far from inadequate.💐

My DD has hashimotos.

It comes in flares. She got Covid last year and it triggered a really bad flare. She's now on blood tests every couple of months and constant adjusting of medication.

I presume you are on levothyroxine?

Even with Levo, my DD can only run at about 80% of able bodied capacity.

At the moment, post covid and in a hashimoto's flare she's able to do about 40% of what an able bodied person can do.

Go easy on yourself. Hashi's is a serious illness.

Is there something you could do during the day while ds is in school where you might meet like minded people. I know most people are in work but l was thinking of a writers group or book club at your local library. I was part of one at one stage and the chat and rapport stemmed from the subject so it was easy to get along. All sorts were there. Or an online one when ds is in bed.
I second what was already said about your achievements: owning your own home, being brave and resilient enough to leave a bad partner and make a life for your ds and being a writer..its a lot believe me. On top of a long term illness. Go easy on yourself.

Reading your post l was thinking about neurodivergence and maybe it's something you could read up on especially in women as it presents differently.

OP please don't give up on anti-depressants. I know it can be difficult to find the right one, but when you do, it really can make such a difference. My DH started suffering with health problems which gradually got worse over a period of 5 years. Then last year we moved house, in the hope of making life easier for ourselves, as at that time we had a huge house and garden, which we were struggling to deal with, as I too am
disabled. My DH by this time was telling me every day that he couldn't see the point of carrying on, and in general was feeling rather sorry for himself, which, don't get me wrong, he was entitled to, as life had changed so much for him, and he was struggling to adjust to things. Anyway, after the move, I put my foot down and told him that it was time to see the GP, as we simply couldn't carry on the way we were, and his mood was getting worse and worse. Thankfully he agreed. The GP prescribed him anti-depressants, and now, even though health wise things have continued to deteriorate, he copes admirably, and always manages to see the brighter side of life. Meanwhile, I have suffered with depression since the age of 20, I'm now in my 60's, and continue to take anti-depressants every day. I've weaned myself off of them numerous times over the years, but always over a period of a few months, ended up needing to go back on them. I now accept that I need them, and would far rather pop a single tablet every day, and be able to feel 'normal', than not take them, and struggle with life in general.

I appreciate that this doesn't solve the problem of feeling on the outside of things, but it just might help improve your confidence, help you not take things so personally, and help you to cope better in general.

Hi OP. You've got a lot on your plate, and I think if you had some support around you life would feel a whole lot better.

I'm afraid the school gate can be brutal, parents (Mums especially) can be incredibly thoughtless and cliquey. This is not just today's world, my youngest is now 27 and I experienced this way back, it's very common and I don't think you have to be ND to experience it.

A pp said to spend time in nature with your DS, this is good for both of you. Does he belong to the scouts? Boys brigade? Do you have a welcoming church near you? Maybe look elsewhere for the kindness you and your DS need. Gingerbread used to be an organisation for single parents to get to know each other.

OP you sound like a nice person, achieved a lot, please don't compare yourself with people who may appear to have it all, they rarely do.

If kids interested in football (for example)then get them into a team, you have to find that out yourself. What team were you not good enough for a child to be invited into? That's not a thing.

I think it’s quite normal to not really click with the parents of kids that your child goes to school with because you don’t necessarily have much in common as people (apart from being parents). You’d probably have better luck at work or in a social setting, sometimes it takes a while to find your own tribe. Are there any old friends you could look up and catch up with?
As a single parent myself I’ve found that I actually prefer to hang out with friends who don’t have kids to worry about, either child free single friends or older friends. They tend to be more upbeat with more energy and ideas of fun things to do which gives me a boost as I often feel tired and a bit overwhelmed! (probably like most of the parents at school). Sending hugs.

Thankyou, you have no idea how much this validates me. My mother gave me a speech the other day about her friend who did holistic diets and is fine now and I need to just try and fix it & try things. Really appreciate as I don’t get a lot of information or feedback during my 15 minute paid GP appointments xxx

OP you frankly have it tough, be nice to yourself, a lot of people aren’t in your shoes.

On the school gate, they can be cliquey and their is a social assessment process ongoing sometimes where people do seem to assess your social value. There are people who will only hangout with people who they perceive to be “like them”. I’m also not a in a clique or included in stuff, but so are other parents, I invest time and energy in people who are nice to me and DC. Sometimes that has to be outside of school.

Learn to match their energy. You can’t change anyone or their behaviour so stop investing mental and emotional energy in it. Focus your limited energy into people and activities that make you feel good.

I found most people already have their friendship groups set by school age, so I would honestly not take it too personally, although your son's school friends' parents do not sound like kind people.

Is there anything else you have an interest in, where you could meet people? Library book clubs, knitting/stitching/crocheting groups, maybe volunteering when you feel up to it?

I have the same experience and ND..just wondering why that happens? If it's how we are coming across?

Honestly OP, I was reading thinking you sound like you've achieved a lot and would be the mum in the playground I admire.
Journalism, Art degree, own home, managing your child single handedly who may have higher needs.
Those mums, it isn't what it seems a lot of the time..in the past I had friends like that. Their marriages weren't always bliss, it's hard work looking done up all the time, one friend I had did lip fillers, surgery, make up because she felt so bad about herself she couldn't look in the mirror without dolling up and spent so much time scrutinising her image to fit the picture she wanted. That to me looking in, felt like a nightmare for me, I wouldn't want to live with all that stress. I'd rather be looked down on then spend every waking moment panicking.
If they were really all that, happy, living the dream they wouldn't have the need to cut you both out.

What strikes me is your perception op. You have much to be so proud of. You own your house and are raising a lovely young son. But you feel outside of things.

This can only be fixed by putting yourself on the inside of things, and moving well away from things or people that make you feel unseen/pushed out or quietly unwelcome.

Starting point:

Join a crafting or hobby group that offers something you are genuinely interested in as a starting point. This is your best port of call for friends not the school gate.

Enrol your child into some out of school activities and encourage him to make lots of new friends outside of school. His only source of company should not be cliquey children. Encourage him to look for the quieter more considerate children in his classes too, as well as the noisy confident ones.

Never consider the school mums as friends, or try to develop this aspect - you are not there for friends. The school is a place of education for your child, the school should not be a social club for parents.
The cliques will be more trouble than they are worth, even if they do speak to you. Treat them in a very distant but civilised manner and keep at arms length, and don’t post asking for favours, they are not friends op.

Yoyr biggest focus needs to be sourcing counselling to come to terms with your childhood and the trauma of losing your father. Your sadness and low self esteem will be linked to rhat, and the quicker you can access taking therapies (through your gp or self funding) the better.

Decorate your home, spend 20 minutes in the garden with your son every day tidying the beds. Please make a plan - this is not costly or expensive, but it will make you feel so much better op. Plan to do a room every month. Plant some bulbs for next spring and summer - make that your goal.
A beautiful home you can be proud of. It feels like your house reflects the neglect you are feeling inside, and that is stemming from not feeling very loved or valued. That can be changed op. You can value and take care of yourself.

I think you were neglected as a child, for whatever reason and you are repeating the pattern into adulthood.

I don’t know if this post will help you, but firstly, I wouldn’t assume all these seemingly successful Mums are happy and without issues. For example, I know that I might appear fairly well off, stylish and successful to an outsider, but the truth is I am in an awful relationship (wish I had the courage to sort this out like you did), my job is sucking joy out of my life right now (awful new management) and my DD has mental health issues which cause me worry a lot of the time. I also don’t own the home I live in, it is rented (wish I had a house like you do of my own). Anyone close to me would know this, as I am an open book, but acquaintances would definitely not realise that I have my problems like everyone else. My sister is even more superficially enviable. She lives in a mansion and doesn’t even need to work and has a v successful husband but she has things going on too that you wouldn’t wish for. So, I would take the focus off comparing yourself with others and try and bring more joy into your own life where you can.
Re making friends, I would try carving out some one on one time with a few of the mums to see if you click. I actually found it hard to be part of the school gate clique too, but I was too busy with work and work friends to care at the time luckily. Since you aren’t working at the moment you could become really active in the PTA and that will give you an in if you want one. Offer to run a school event, volunteer as class rep, that seemed to be the way to make friends at my DD’s school? Also, if you used to have lots of friends, why not get in touch with some old ones and ask them out for a coffee to rekindle some relationships. Am sure people would be really pleased to hear from you.
Sounds like you have had a really hard time with health and your family in general though, and 7 is a hard age because you don’t get much time to be ‘you’ or do hobbies etc. Give yourself a break and try not to judge your life so harshly. You have plenty of time to get your weight and mind healthier and to start to enjoy things a bit more.

First thing I’d do personally is lose the weight and put more effort into my appearance. With this would come more confidence and being treated better by others so than I’d ask about play dates or sports teams for your son.

I'm sorry things are tough for you at the moment. However, I find it really annoying when people on mumsnet judge other mums at the school gates as 'cliquey'. What that means is they have friends and that's making you feel inadequate or jealous.
An important lesson I've learned since having kids is everyone has their own shit going on, no matter what they look like.

Thanks for the really caring posts which take time and emotional energy to write - I appreciate the generosity of spirit replying to what is a pretty downer post.

Firstly, wanted to be honest that my house is due to good fortune - I didn’t work for it. I mentioned owning it only because I wanted to be honest about my situation & that it’s not all bad - I have some advantages.

Secondly, am in Australia and the sports team he wasn’t deliberately excluded from. He just didn’t get a spot with his friends as we weren’t in the know. He ended up on another team from another school & tbh I quite like the parents on it & don’t mind. I just gave this as an example of us not being in the loop- it’s not deliberate on their part.

Didn’t mean to make this about cliquey Mums. We’ve had our time at a school like that. This school is in an area that is affluent but bohemian and open minded & parents quite friendly. I have made some friendships here and there. There’s some very genuine and lovely women.

I agree with the poster that said school isn’t a social platform. I really like the suggestion about finding friendships out of school for him - obvious but didn’t consider.

I think, it’s more that my son seems to besr friend the kids from very orderly, conservative homes with affluent parents that stick to themselves. Not always but often. They’re perfectly nice but I can feel this great divide & am self conscious. They are perfectly friendly but I am very sensitive and notic everything so I feel the judgment under the surface - this is probably coming from me because I’m embarrasssed about falling short and this isn’t how I’d do things with more resources and energy. I’m not really able to keep up with my own values.

I would like to work but I find it hard with asthma attacks and juggling everything without backup. Especially as he’s anxious about after school care and likes to be at home/craves stability and there’s good reason for this.

I really appreciate the advice, it’s been very empathetic, non judgmental.

The comments about being autistic or ND - I’ve considered this & quite sure my ex husband is.

I am very creative and think outside the square so I’d say I’m more likely adhd or something.

I think the post about childhood neglect really resonated with me. I did have a very unusual and neglectful childhood- though on the surface we would have seemed upper middle class so not obviously neglectful. It was fairly bizarre and full on.

The suggestion about 20 minutes of gardening helped. I line trimmed my front yard this morning before I needed a rest and now it’s 3/4 done but that’s something.

Also the very honest post about appearing glamorous but a troubled marriage - thankyou for being so honest. Sometimes I think I’m a cautionary tale to what can happen if you leave your marriage 😅

I do feel the microscope or judgment is on me as a single Mum. Perhaps this is in my imagination.

This has reminded me to focus on what I do have - a lovely dog, my child does a lot of sports and we trained together this week and went swimming to get him ready. I do actually organise a lot of play dates and take kids to the pool with us. He’s very social & all the rest.

If you saw me in real life you would not think I was unhappy. I make small talk, I’m chatty & I smile at everyone. Just deep down feel a bit embarrassed by not being able to keep up with the social class that my child is aligning with. He however has no problems fitting in with anyone & is pretty self assured so maybe I need to worry less.

Hope this long reply is okay, wanted to address all the responses.

I truly appreciate and it has been motivating and uplifting and reminded me that I do have options to improve my life - I guess I’ve been a bit blinded to the view and the way out !

Also I think sometimes you set all of these expectations for your life. Thought I’d end up married in the Cotswolds wearing leather boots over my pants and attending dinner parties. The expectations for my son’s future also. I think the wake up call that life isn’t a fantasy (far from it) has been one I’m still having to snap myself out of.

Thankyou

Good morning OP, like other posters I think you're actually really impressive. Your post reads like a list of achievements and things you've overcome and survived.
My only advice is to keep doing what you're doing and realise you're definitely not inferior, you're stronger than those cliquey mams you're judging yourself against.

Could you consider trying to integrate a couple of small changes into your life to help you to feel better. The big picture can feel overwhelming, but if you break it down into tiny, manageable chunks you might find that helpful.

Exercise doesn't do much for weight loss but it does help with depression, posture, respiratory system, glucose management and so many other things. A 20 min walk a day after a meal, as brisk as you are able to manage would be a really positive step. Put your headphones in and listen to some music you love or a podcast that interests you and take 20 mins just for yourself.

Do that every day for a couple of weeks and see if it makes any small difference to the way you feel.

As for gardening, we're moving into the die back zone seasonally so in a couple of weeks anything that's going to have shed its leaves will have done and clean up will be a lot easier than it is when the bastard weeds just keep growing back, take a look around for your quick wins, what could you scoop into the bin in 5 minutes to make an immediate improvement. Not to appease other people's views but so that you can feel satisfaction in having achieved that bit of clean up and can enjoy looking at that bit of your garden again.