Is It normal that Mum takes no interest in me or my life?

[Confuseddotcom40]

She’s not your normal Mum. Was a junkie for many years. We pretty much had to fend for ourselves from a young age. Anyway, she’s been off the drugs for years but is what you’d call a functional alcoholic. She’s never worked and is on sick pay. I moved from home time about 15 years ago but we speak pretty regularly. But it’s always me calling and texting. Having a phone conversation is like pulling teeth. I always start by asking her how she is. She’ll always say “fine”. She NEVER asks me how I am, how I’m doing, or what’s going on in my life. I brought this up to her years ago and her answer was “well you’re always ok”. That’s not the case at all. I’ve always felt there’s tension between me and her as I’m the only one of my siblings that has moved away from my home town. I’m torn between just accepting that’s how she is and the fact that it makes me feel like shite that she never checks in or shows any interest. I don’t know what to do at this point but I’m sick of it feeling so one sided.

I guess she's just not capable of empathy? Is she the same with your siblings?

Maybe you need for your own mental health to consider taking a step back from her?

To answer your question, it's not really that normal. But does she respond when you tell her about what is happening in your life? Is she just very selfish?

My mum can't. Alcoholic, bi polar.

Now seems vulnerable and old so it's slightly easier in some ways but I restrict to once a week visit and often less.

I can spend time with her and chat to her but it's the acceptance there won't be anything back. Occasionally a glimmer.

But instead of waiting for crumbs it's the huge work of accepting they could never come and stop lookig. For them.

Its crap.

No, it’s not normal, but as you said she’s not been normal mum to you. You’ve clearly had to put up with a lot of grief from her over the years. Sadly, I doubt she’s going to change now. I’d probably distance myself from her if I were you, as it sounds as if she adds very little to your life except stress.

Yes I have one like this.
I spent about 50% of my energy until I was 40 trying to understand her. Especially once I had a child and realized all the normal mum impulses I had, she never displayed.
Every phonecall took ages to recover from, every visit. Trying to understand her complete indifference. Or comparing her to other people's mum's and looking for anyone who could understand.
All she ever wanted was to tell me the plot of Emmerdale and what she had bought that week.
About six years ago in a serious illness I couldn't take her calls about Emmerdale. So she dropped me like a lead balloon. It was horrible but also the best thing that ever happened to me. I would have wasted more of my life on her if that hadn't happened. I haven't seen or spoken to her for years now, so all that lovely energy has gone into my life and my kids, just as it should always have done.
We did nothing wrong. We just got shit mums. Do whatever you need to do to flourish yourself, and don't pour good energy after bad trying to win her love.
I always thought I couldn't survive without a mother's love. But I decided that the universe trumps a mother so set about building a living relationship with the world instead, and that has worked wonders.

My Mum doesn't call or text me first, it's always me to her. If she knew something was going on in my life she absolutely would, but outside of that she would never dream of picking the phone up and calling me. I've just accepted a long time ago that this is who she is and she's not very good at it.

@Achillo thank you for your post, I needed to see these words.

It’s shit op.

Similar here.
Keeping low contact and expectations of what will happen because it’s always the same.

I am nothing like her, nothing, so I am very happy that I see it and would just never be like it with my children.
She of course, has no relationship with my children. I won’t expose them to her.

It’s ok op, it really is. Just do what you are doing.

I have one like this. She was just never that bothered about me.

She loves to tell people how I sailed through school and did well. Haha, I was an absolute shit show at school, nearly failed every subject. Drugs and booze.

She was just so vacant in my childhood and it only got worse as I got older. If I don't call her now, she would NEVER call me. I am convinced she is autistic, as am I.

I think if you want to have any sort of relationship you have to accept she can't do those things.

Whatever caused her addictions hasn't been worked through, and people don't just randomly become addicts so I expect she had her own adverse childhood experiences that you don't know about.

She isn't going to change, not one bit. So the question you have to ask yourself is are you happy to accept that and continue with things how they are or is it significant enough that you will ho no contact and just stop facilitating the relationship?

For whatever reason, it’s normal for her. She could have an underlying condition she’s managed by self medicating, or she could have destroyed her brain with years of substance abuse. She could just be a rubbish human.

What matters is that you accept it, stop fighting it, and put your energy into yourself and your dc. Break the cycle.

Sometimes you can heal some of the sadness by parenting your neglected inner child, if you are that way inclined.

I'm so sorry for you. It sounds like your mum has had many personal challenges over the years and you've suffered at the hands of that. She's never been there as you would expect a mum to be.

I think you need to adjust your expectations that the status quo is all your ever going to get from her.

I would continue the brief contact and making the effort that you do.

I don't think cutting all contact is the answer. I am not sure people ever feel good about that especially when it's an immediate relative.

I have 2 parents and neither of them give a damn, they should never of had children. It's traumatising but I am nothing like them and adore my children. I will never treat them how they have treated me and I will absolutely not be doing any caring for them.

I have a parent like this - if I stopped calling or visiting I genuinely don't think they would miss me. Sometimes it's the things that aren't there that hurt, and it's difficult to explain that to other people. As others have said, I recommend therapy to grief what you didn't have and never will have. It takes a lot of time and energy because parents are your primary relationships. But the way of sanity is acceptance - you can't make someone love you who just...doesn't.

Some people are just completely self absorbed and hopeless at taking care of another human being. Unfortunately, this doesn’t stop them from becoming parents. You aren’t alone feeling this way and it’s not an easy thing to come to terms with. You need to decide what’s best for you. You haven’t done anything wrong so you don’t need to suffer just to make her feel better.

To answer your question, no it’s not normal but there’s not much you can do to change it. You can only decide how best to look after yourself.

That sounds difficult op.

My mum hasn't called me in years. Probably well over 10 years. I live in another country to her but I've always said, if you ever want to talk give me a missed call I will call you back.

She's never done it. Not once.

I call occasionally- but increasingly rarely. She speaks of her sadness at me choosing to live on the other side of the world, and all she is missing out on with me/dc living so far away. But she doesn't call, she has never done anything to build, foster or maintain a relationship with me.

She has no drug/alcohol addiction issues.

I've accepted this a long time ago and try to not be guilted into anything.

Actually she probably hasn't called me for well over 20 years.

Like a lot of the posts above for me it was about accepting the situation and adjusting my expectations. I spent a lot of years trying to change things, hoping that the amount of interest shown to my siblings would come to me too eventually. It was freeing to finally accept the fact that you can’t really change people, understanding it is what it is and adjusting my expectations so I was no longer continually disappointed. As a bigger picture it sucks of course but allowed me to take control rather than leave my feelings in the hands of others.

So sorry for you all. You deserve more.
I'm amazed at how friends with absent mothers, mothers who were downright neglectful and still are, sometimes abusive, still strive for their love and take more care of their mothers than they themselves ever received as a child.

You are not being at alL unreasonable as you have been a dealt a pretty awful parenting hand by the sounds of things. I’m so sorry @Confuseddotcom40

Unfortunately self centerdness lies at the very heart of addiction and people who were/are addicts have an inherent desire to fulfil their own needs first and foremost with very little headspace left for others. This doesn’t make them bad people necessarily but very hard to hold down a loving, respectful and mutually fulfilling relationship with simply because their sole focus is themselves.

Your mother will not change and thankfully you are not in close proximity to her but I do think
some talk therapy would really help you come to terms with the fact that her shoddy behaviour has absolutely nothing to do with you and more a pathological desire on her part to only truly care about herself. I know two ex alcoholics and that desire to only really ever please themselves is so deeply ingrained that they are simply incapable of seeing the world in any other way.

Wow, I just want to thank everyone for the kind words and sympathy. I got a bit teary. To know there are others experiencing the same thing does make me feel a bit better. I think talking therapy may help. I’ve tried to bury my feelings about it but yesterday just really pissed me off. I was asking her question after question… “How’s your morning going? Any plans for today? What are you making for dinner etc” she’ll answer the questions and not ask me absolutely anything in return. It’s like pulling teeth. I know acceptance is key.

Acceptance is really hard though. Don't blame yourself. Parents are meant to love you more than anything else in the world. Children are meant to be closely bonded to their parents. When that hasn't happened, it leaves a deep sense of loneliness that's hard to explain.