Husband's short fuse

[shortfusehub]

I'm starting to get really fed up of my husband's very short fuse. It takes very little to cause him to swear and stomp around and it does seem to be getting worse (we recently had DC2). Don't get me wrong, 99% of the time he's such a happy go lucky guy, very generous, I really don't think anyone else sees this side of him. At home though, even something like if I've asked him to change the baby's nappy and something doesn't go right (baby rolls away, baby tries to grab the nappy, he's too hot and bothered, there's a full moon..) he's straight to swearing loudly (not at anyone just generally to the ether) - he immediately calms down once whatever it is is done. He's never been violent or physically been rough, I don't feel unsafe- he just swears and stomps around.
My AIBU is..is this normal? I'm more a slow burner until it all gets too much, then I get annoyed- whereas he just flicks a switch and the world is shit, but diffuses very quickly. I reckon he might have ADHD, or certainly did as a child/teen- don't know if that's relevant.
YABU- we're all different
YANBU- he needs to calm TF down

My husband is the same and has ADHD

That's interesting. My husband is like this, have suspected for a while he has ADHD. Would bet the house on him being dyslexic. Would not appreciate me suggesting either.
No,OP, it's not normal or okay but I've given up tbh. He doesn't see the issue.

@FlamingoFloss interesting! I wasn't sure if I was barking up the wrong tree with it. He's generally ok but is definitely worse if he's physically uncomfortable- like needs a wee or is too hot or is wearing the wrong clothes, that's when he seems more short-fused

If you suspect then perhaps it is. My husband will just blow up from nothing and then will be ok again but it can be pretty unpleasant (not directed at me and he’s not violent). We paid for him to do private anger management which has helped a bit by teaching him some coping strategies but he does still struggle with other aspects. For example, he does get what I now recognise as sensory overload. Or something that’s really bad is when we are travelling (think train or plane) and although he is a confident traveller it all seems to be overwhelming for him and he can get really agitated. I do feel for you as I understand and have had this for nearly 18 years. Most of the time he is really good but the short outbursts I hate so get what you are going through

@Radionowhere I'd not really thought about it til I recently saw his school reports and they were pretty shocking to be honest. He's very clever in his own way, holds down a good job with lots of technical things to remember, yet barely has any qualifications.
On one hand I think maybe I'm being too harsh- it must be difficult etc etc, but on the other hand hearing him have a strop over not being able to get to his favourite coffee cup without moving another out of the way or something like that that barely annoys your average person- it winds me up.

ADHD son does this - but he is a teen 🤷‍♀️.
I'm researching ADHD meds and experiences atm to see if it helps with this emotional regulation challenge so common for many with ADHD.

If your husband sees no problem then obviously that possibility will go nowhere.
You could use it as a tool to request change if it becomes too much. E.g say to husband, have you ever thought about ADHD, are you up for an assessment. Then go from there.

I wouldn't want him shouting and swearing around your children, especially a new baby! Even if he's not shouting at them, it can be scary for little ones and he should be setting a better example - you don't want your kids to grow up thinking that's normal. I would be telling him to control himself - he's an adult not a toddler!

99% of the time he's such a happy go lucky guy, very generous, I really don't think anyone else sees this side of him

@shortfusehub open your eyes. ADHD is not even relevant. He has the capacity and skills to apply his internal controls and not behave like a dick around other people. You and DC are fair game for his frustrations though in his eyes.

He may not have been violent but swearing and being obviously pissed off when changing a baby's nappy is vile behaviour. I grew up with a step parent just like your DH and trust me, his instant switch of moods and short temper would darken the mood in seconds and we all learnt to just be really passive to not do anything to cause that switch. Don't let your kids grow up like that.

My question is..does he do this at work or to his colleagues , his boss, his friends?
If he does.. yes maybe he has a condition that needs meds/treatment/therapy.
If not.. then he CAN control it and choses not to at home, which is not acceptable and not fair to you or your children.
Which is it?

And now we are deciding pathetic, intimidating and unacceptable male behaviour as 'maybe he has ADHD?'

So what if he does? Who cares? He's a grown adult with a family, not a teenager who needs guidance

See this for what it is

Not a euphemism then. 😀
Perhaps he just doesn't handle stress well and blowing off steam is his coping mechanism?
Or maybe he's just too immature to get over himself yet?

I'm like this when I'm due on sometimes.
He just sounds reactive, doesn't sound too sinister to me. I think others are quick to jump to conclusions.

No, this is not acceptable behaviour in an adult. Do not tolerate it. You need to nip it in the bud, every time. Push back now while you can before it becomes a permanent problem then slowly increases into abusive behaviour. Tell him , each time to knock it off, grow up. Tell him how this makes you feel. It is low grade manipulation. No, just no!

@Cappuccinowithonesugarplease you swear and stomp around in front of a baby every month do you? Sounds very pleasant

He’s not happy go lucky though, is he? He’s impatient and has a short fuse. This will not be good for your children. It’s not ok and it’s not normal.

We can all get stressed. Doesn’t mean we think acting like that is ok. It’s not.

I don't stomp around, but can be a bit sweary sometimes.

If you enable this op, it will continue. My dh can be hot headed too but l walk away and leave him to get on with it now. He soon snaps out of it but does my head in.

as far as I know he keeps his cool at work- it's pretty high stress and he seems well regarded. It is something I address each time
it happens but it does stress me out. I avoid asking him to do some things as I know it'll end in swearing and getting cross. Apparently his Dad was similar. But I don't want that for my DC. We need a serious chat (when he's in a good mood) I think.

it's weird how he can be completely normal 5 minutes later. Takes me 10 times as long to get wound up, but 10 times as long to calm down after

'I avoid asking him to do some things as I know it'll end in swearing and getting cross.'

So he's training you not to ask.