I'm seeing a lot of stuff online about narcs and manipulators - I feel like everyone is one, that can't be right either

[narchi]

There's a lot out there at the moment about narcissists and manipulators and I'm analysing a lot of behaviour ( both my own and also that of people around me ).

Is anyone else finding it all a bit confusing? I can definitely think of times people have turned my own upset around on me. I think I've also done this to others.

Example today - I was talking to DH and long story short, we were in discussion about house things - lamps, beds, bed side tables we have bought. We have a broken cabinet in my son's room, the drawers keep crashing and it's really annoying. I suggested we get a new one and he moaned that we really can't just buy any old crap and I need to think about what I want exactly before I buy the same ' rubbish beds ' I got for my daughter's room and the guest room. At the time I got the beds, I showed him online and he said they were fine. He thinks they're rubbish and he brings it up a lot. Because ultimately they were ' my ' decision and I bought them. He's very particular about design and has good taste for sure but I feel like unless he's decided on something, he always moans he doesn't like it.

I pointed out how it was hurtful to be reminded again that he didn't like the beds I got and that he always moans about stuff I get. Unless he's decided on stuff, I get an earful for the rest of my life about it. He then went on to call me pathetic for saying that. There are often times I say I'm hurt about something and he just flat out says I'm a joke for being upset.

My mother in law does the same to me and even my mum. When I was a new mum, my mother in law kept being quite critical of what I was doing. I kept saying nothing and eventually I snapped and told her to stop nit picking. A big fight ensued where she accused me of being a negative person who twists everything she does into something negative. Another time, she kept saying my bum was big while I was pregnant and I told her to leave it out. She again said I was being weird. Every time I've ever stood up for myself or expressed upset, she's said I see things the wrong way and she is only saying things out of love.

My mum is the same. I can't say anything to her. She'll go around criticising my house, my parenting and when I eventually tell her to stop- or shut her down, she says that I'm horrible to her and she does so much for me and this is how I repay her. Every, single, time.

But I can also think of times where I just couldn't really believe my husband was upset about something. And I probably did the same to him. There was a time I had a male friend visit me. We are friends as a couple too but my husband just STILL after 20 years of knowing me and this man have been friends and we are also friends with his wife- he wasn't happy he came to our house a couple of hours in the afternoon to see me and my young kids. I just couldn't believe that it was an issue for him and probably made him feel silly.

Surely I'm also not a narcissist ? Is everyone in my life a narcissist ? I don't think so. Isn't some of the deflecting behaviour when someone tells you that you've hurt them when you really didn't mean to, kind of normal ? Is it the way I'm presenting my hurt to my husband / MIL/ mum, perhaps too aggressive for them to actually hear me out ?

I believe in my lifetime I have met a handful of narcs. All characterised by several traits.
Complete inability to consider others, causing deep hurt and being unaware of how their behaviour impacts on others.
Extreme selfish behaviour.
Immaturity.
Never, ever, being wrong.
Inability to tell the truth.
Gaslighter personality.

Some people are just arseholes. Others are very definitely narcissistic.

Short version - a lot of this is just crap to engage and get clicks

if you spent a couple of weeks offline, you'd likely forget about it.

Maybe just put the word narcissist aside for now. With reference to that, yes, alot of people have a frighteningly high number of unpleasant narc traits! We now can just name it. This is a good thing.

Getting back to you. There's something about your personality type that means you can often be surrounded by the same type of people. This is quite common. So if you're a people pleaser, which probably started in childhood because of your mother and her behaviour - then you're significantly more likely to marry someone who acts the same as those you experienced ( like your mum possibly) and you carry on your people pleasing traits. I also see poor boundaries and a potential to take blame for other people's issues here.

When I read your post, I think, come on, sort that husband out now. You don't like the beds? Well it's tough shit. I'm sick of hearing about it. Get a grip and find something else to moan about - is what he needs to hear sharpish.

Is there anyone in your corner who lifts you up and makes you feel great? We tend to find ourselves surrounded by shark like characters and think everything is our fault, because you've been trained to tolerate crap. Then one day you just say, hang on a minute?

I'd start simply with boundaries - e.g what is and is not an acceptable way to talk to you. You let people know this, kindly and respectfully.

Anyone who says it's just a joke, you can't take a joke, you're a joke is seriously concerning to me tbh. My family are personality disordered and do this to people, mainly me. I stopped that once I could see.

@Tittat50 thanks for your long response !

I definitely told him to get over the beds ! I was pretty angry, because it's not the first time. If he hates them so much, he can buy new ones. It's ridiculous. That's what made me get angry. I said, how ridiculous it is that everything I choose is never good enough.

I feel like he's very critical. He then started going on and on about every little thing wrong with our beautiful home. We really have a beautiful home. He was complaining about drawers being badly organised and the coat cupboard being messy. So fucking what ? These things get messy and then you tidy up. If it's that much of an issue, do it yourself. He came and apologised for me later saying he was annoyed because he hasn't smoked today. He's especially nasty when he hasn't smoked.

Anyway yes poor boundaries is a thing for me.

I get what you mean, my ex was the same. Every opinion, or item I bought was wrong or incorrect & he didn't like any of my friends.

Also, another relatable point is I have too on many occasions asserted my boundaries, to which the reaction is usually negative. My sister didn't speak to me for an entire week because I called her out on her selfishness. She was always picking at me, we'd be having a nice lunch & she would bring something up that she knew made me feel uncomfortable, questioned me like she was my mother? Yet if I said even one word she didn't like she would cry and run to anyone who would listen to what a narcissistic cunt I am to her.

I've noticed since I started being more assertive in general with certain people who have always walked all over me before, has resulted in a very bad reaction on their part.

I agree with that. When I have asserted my boundaries, people have reacted very badly. I have always been a people pleaser and I think being the least favoured child growing up has really done one over on me.
I attract narcs and always have done. Now I have more knowledge I can protect myself better.

A converted people pleaser here too 🙋

When you start asserting yourself, most around you go nuts. Because they're usually people who trample over boundaries, have none of their own and revel in your position as a people pleaser.

My very reasonable assertion of boundaries with a bullying older sibling resulted in me deciding to not really speak anymore with them. I haven't lost anything. I didn't have anything in the first place. Almost a year now. They couldn't accept my reasonable polite request that they stop their bullying behaviour. Instead, it was turned on me ( this person actually is a narcissist. I'm in therapy)

A parent - went so nuts they acted almost insane when I started asserting boundaries and saying I really don't like x,y,z. Of course, I'm still the problem in their minds.

The big difference now is I know - as arrogant as this sounds - that I am surrounded by absolute duds. I am not the problem. All these duds are. That's quite something when you have so much faith and confidence in yourself and what you will no longer accept. Nothing will ever make me believe one single critical word out their mouths.

You end up with much less people potentially. You know what - I don't want them. I never had them.

Your husband's sounds a real baby OP. I don't know how you deal with it other than threaten to leave him but I appreciate that really may not be what you want. I'd definitely carve time away from him engaging in hobbies. He's a dick. Being grumpy over cigs is no excuse. You want to see what I have to deal with in my life. I have lost everything due to significant sickness. I've lost the life I had, I lost care of my child, I can't eat properly and live on liquid for years as my food, I'm in agony every day. My life is torture. But, I don't treat people the way you just described your husband speaking to you.