To ask how to navigate visitors postpartum

[PPandhormonal]

I had my baby last week and we have had so far: my parents, siblings and MIL to visit.

We are now well into DH’s paternity leave and although I’m recovering well, I had a c-section only a week ago, still bleeding and sore and establishing breastfeeding

My parents live near and my mum has been round often but only held baby twice and not for very long. She has insisted on cleaning our kitchen and bathrooms while I hold my baby. She’s taken loads of our laundry, brought it back clean and ironed and brought batch cooked meals. My sister has dropped off bags of groceries with nice treats in, sent Uber eats vouchers and has text me every morning and every evening to ask how I am.

MIL didn’t bring a card when she turned up and held baby for ages. She did bring baby a Christmas decoration which was well meant. I was getting uncomfortable but didn’t feel able to ask for baby back, I recognise this is my own issue that I need to address.

Tomorrow my parents want to bring my grandma who is in her 90s, and MIL wants to visit again.

I don’t want to deny them a visit as I know it’s important my baby has people in their life and at the end of the day they’re only excited to see them and have a cuddle. How can I make sure it doesn’t take over the whole day? I’d quite like to try and get out on a walk and maybe for a coffee, and generally just spend time as a little family. It gets dark so early now so it’s not as though we can just have a walk in the evening

I know I’m probably being unreasonable and I don’t want DH to feel like his family are any less important than mine, despite the fact we see them less frequently and wouldn’t say we’re as close

I have wondered about meeting them out the house, which might be a bit too brave so early on, telling them we need to be out by 11:30 - though might not be very believable on a Sunday, or simply just saying come later in the week. They are restricted to weekends really to be fair to them all.

I recognise it’s probably my hormones and a lot of PFB too, which is why I’m trying to be rational about the situation. My parents would probably not overstay with my grandma but MIL would stay and stay.

Bani3s are such a joy, try to allow the live of all their relatives but keep the visits short.

Ask for the Aby and go feed them upstairs when you have had enough

I thought about this but noy sure if it’s rude

"We're going out in the morning but would love you to visit after lunch, how does 3pm sound?"

Tomorrow my parents want to bring my grandma who is in her 90s, and MIL wants to visit again

Be honest with your parents and say that you are only up to a very brief visit. Can your husband speak with his mother about postponing her visit for another day? If not, he needs to tell her the same thing - very short visit. You have had surgery and are recovering.

Don't be too hard on your MIL for not offering the same level of he!p as you get from your mother. No matter how well intentioned, many women would not appreciate their MIL pawing thru their laundry and cleaning their bathrooms! Honestly I was uncomfortable with my own mother doing this (although I know she meant well).

And congratulations to you and your husband!

No it's not rude at all (assuming you are BF - although themention of coffee made me query that part?

Just tell them they can stay for half an hour or an hour or something. You must be exhausted. They should understand. Tell your partner that he has to take his mum out of the house after an hour - for a walk or lunch or something, while you sleep. Plan the visit for part of the day when it's not raining.

2 sets of visitors in one day so early on is quite a lot and you do need to rest

OP kindly, don’t be so wet. If you don’t want your MIL to come tomorrow then tell your DH who needs to communicate this to his mum. You’ve recently had surgery, they can wait a day or two. It’s YOUR baby you don’t owe every one an audience with your little one. Mumsnet likes to act like you have to let everyone come or they won’t help you later on, but in reality ‘I’m knackered, can you come later today for an hour?’ is much better for you than having someone come who outstays their welcome.

One set per day is reasonable or suggest 11am to one set (especially if likely to overstayer and say you are going out at 1pm. Say to the other people 3pm but you have something at 5pm.

Also try to get out whilst you have support, babies are very portable but the first time can be daunting (I went out within 24 hours but not a c section)

Jesus someone every day? Just no, imo. The newborn stage goes so quickly, i really wanted to cherish it and worrying about visitors and wanting to hold my own baby would do my head in.

You can drink coffee and breastfeed

I loved having visitors after mine were born but actually only had it in me to socialise for about an hour. Except with my parents and my PILs actually, as they all just pottered and made me tea and didnt expect me to chat non stop.

I used to take babies upstairs to feed and say my goodbyes then as I’d say baby would sleep and so will I

Also yes too this. Much easier for your mum to come in and do your washing as she knows you and knows you’ll tell her to bugger off if you want.

if you’d like MIL to come in and help I’d give her specific requests ‘please could you fold my washing’ etc. I have both (only young still) and in the future I can imagine wanting to help both DD and DDIL in the same way but being worried about overstepping with DDIL. I can imagine really appreciating being asked to do specific tasks as I’ll know I’m doing the right thing!

I found visitors hard because you can't sleep when the baby sleeps then. And every single minute of rest counts in those early days. And you're still getting to grips with breastfeeding, you need quiet time for that, with your DH.

This is extremely early on for so many visits. I needed days to sit at home with my breasts out to feed on demand and fall asleep when the baby sleeps.

You need to be assertive. I found I had to VERY clear that visits must be brief.

I had a friend come and hang on for two hours, nice in the beginning, but baby then started screaming, did a poonami, wanted another feed etc and she just WOULD NOT FUCKING GO and just kept talking about her stressful job!!! I had to ask her to leave. She tried to do that again on another visit and I had to physically lead her to the door. I told her politely that visiting time is over, she said yeah of course I should leave you, but then kept talking about her stressful work again!!! Some people are just oblivious.

I had a rule that guests had to fit in with what I was doing.

My daily walk was essential for my mental health, as was my afternoon co-sleep nap at 3-5.

So not guests during the nap, and if you come during walk time, you're coming with me or waiting.

@RedHelenB yes babies are a joy and OP is already letting her relatives enjoy it. But these are VERY early days. The mother and baby the absolute priority here, NOT the grandparents. She needs to rest and establish breastfeeding. These postpartum days are crucial. This is how women end up with postpartum depression, by trying to please everyone while going through the absolute hardest physical time of their lives.

I say this as someone who has the loveliest relatives. My mum and MIL both wanted to take care of me and give me space, they were absolutely wonderful, and explained to DH how hard these times are etc. It really surprises me when I come here and read how selfish some grandparents are.

I didn’t know whether or not you get PPD was influenced by the postpartum period. Interesting. Makes me want to stick to my guns as I have already had quite a lot of baby blues and notice they’re worse on a night. I just don’t get the urge for people to come into our bubble, there will be so much time for that

I used to use my parents or in-laws visiting times as an excuse to nap or shower

They would often take baby out for a walk so I could have a bit of me time and it was much appreciated.

I get that you want to have your own little bubble and you don't have to say yes to everything but it's also lovely that you have so many people who care about you and your baby, try to think of the positives.

The number of visits will soon drop off

@PPandhormonal the nights are the worst. For everyone. Know that every single woman out there finds the nights with a newborn hard. My baby is 3 months now and trust me when I say, it does get better. Gradually. Someone told me you need to make it to week 2, then week 6, then week 8, then week 12. There are gradual improvements at each point.

My mum had really bad postpartum depression when she had me. My MIL on the other hand had 4 kids BUT it means they're both just really knowledgeable about babies and how hard these times are. So I am lucky that they have been nothing but helpful and deferential.

But other relatives and friends have been clueless and the only way to manage was to be super blunt. There are people who understand without you even having to say anything and there are people who need it spelt out (politely but firmly, clear, subtle hints don't work). No in between in my experience.

OP, it's perfectly acceptable to say "I'm not feeling up for long visits. I'd love for you to come and visit the baby briefly. While you're at it we haven't been able ti get out please bring a ready made lasagne. "

It is absolutely not ok to tell people to bring lasagne because you can't get out. It's the 21st century. Do a food order if you can't get out.

It doesn't have to be. Lots of reasons someone could get PND. That's just the poster's opinion.

Seriously? These are the mind of the people who usually post back on here when their kid is 3 and they need baby sitters but because they were so desperate to have a 'bubble' are the same people who don't have a village

Op do what you want but don't be surprised if no one else cares about your baby when you need them around because your husband has gone back to work

Congrats on your newborn, OP! Oof, two visits in one day is tough when its so early on. As it has already been planned, I'd probably just suck it up a bit tomorrow - why don't you tell your mum you are tired and can only do an hour, and get DH to do the same to his mum. Then it's fair all round.

It's especially hard when it's your first born. I had my second earliest this year and was much more confident in leaving baby with DH and his family downstairs whilst I had a nap upstairs 😅 Or sitting in my bra clusterfeeding when MIL was here. I'd have never done that with my eldest!

How did two visits get arranged for the same day? Maybe start using a family calendar app? In the next few weeks, you'll find you start to have lots of appointments, HV, vaccinations etc and i found it helpful to try and not overschedule. So one thing per day max with a couple of days per week completely free in case you or baby needs some downtime. Then that also allows for family time, walks, meeting new mum friends etc.