About three years ago I got pregnant in a a relationship of under two years. We had talked about kids (both in thirties at the time) and that was I guess the plan but in no way was it a plan for that time. Ex strongly suggested an abortion which I said I couldn’t go through with and that ultimately destroyed the relationship. I had my child and ex stepped up eventually. Ds is now nearly 3 and ex has been consistent on all fronts for around 2.5 years.
I was completely broken by the end of the relationship in my pregnancy and it was a dark time of my life. It’s taken me a good couple of years to try to recover and of course I have had ds to think of. My and ex are in as good as place as we can be… we have days out with ds together but also ds spends days out with his dad alone too. Ds has never stayed with ex as ex moves around almost every few months for work so it just isn’t possible. He pays decent chunks towards ds and often covers all his expenses… being blunt this has been a huge help to me as it takes away one stress of being a single parent. Obviously I am aware this is not a fixed situation and ex’s circumstances could change or he could stop being decent at any point.
Anyway, I turn 38 next week and I feel so sad about the fact that I haven’t had more children or even built a family unit. Ex is quite happy to come to my home and take ds out and we do support one another with things going on at work etc but there is nothing there romantically. I know lots of people will jump in here and tell me he will find someone and be gone for dust but you’ll have to take my word for it that it is unlikely… he’s very introverted, not particularly sexual and absolutely work obsessed. At 46 I was his only relationship. I think he is perfectly happy with the arrangement we have now… he does things with ds to give me time and he pays a lot towards DS’s care. He enjoys it when I join days out and I just know that he is fine with the status quo… he’s fine with this set up. Recently I had surgery and he was there to take care of things and stocked the fridge etc. but there is just no romance here, no love etc.
So this leads me to my dilemma… if i suddenly pull the plug on this I expect him to say he will have to pay for hotels to see ds and then he will stop paying so much to me (which I guess is fair enough). Things will inevitably become a little bit hostile as he won’t like that I am dating. This will have a knock on effect to ds and it will make my life harder in lots of ways. And all for the risk of not actually meeting anyone, or let’s face it, meeting someone and it not working out.
I know some friends think I have it pretty good and why rock the boat for a relationship that may even happen. But then I look to the future and think wow, so many years alone? In the deeper sense of being alone? I don’t know. This is jumbled, I am quite upset and feel my options are limited anyway on the child front as it is.