To find my mother quite disrespectful for keep making the same ‘mistake’?

[TheGrinch2024]

I had about a year relationship that ended a year ago (if that makes sense!), let’s call her ‘Lucy’. She ended up being a total c**t and treated me awfully, really really disgustingly. She wasn’t that involved with my family due to it being a long distance relationship but she had met them a few times.

I’m now in a really happy and healthy relationship, probably the best one of my entire life, with someone let’s call her ‘Emma’. Emma has met my family a few times, we’ve been together a few months.

Now for the AIBU part… my mother keeps calling Emma by Lucy’s name. She’s not old so she’s not just being forgetful and she wasn’t that involved with Lucy for it to be a legitimate accident. She does it and then tries to be ‘funny’ about it - like oh trust me to do that, look what I’ve just done again sort of thing. Because of the sort of person she is (she loves a bit of drama and stirring shit up), I have a feeling she is doing it on purpose.

I pull her up on it every single time - quite sternly - but she still keeps doing it. Emma doesn’t mind and wouldn’t say anything but it’s really starting to grate on my nerves now because I think it’s being quite disrespectful and I wouldn’t like it if the shoe was on the other foot.

AIBU and how would you handle this?

That would annoy me too and shows disrespect for your new partner, Emma says it doesn't bother her but I bet it does really, I wouldn't be happy in her position if my husbands mother kept calling me his exes name! You need to keep correcting her and tell her it upsets your partner (even if that's not true), personally if it were me I'd be saying I'm not seeing her until she develops respect for the person I'm with

Tell her straight to stop fucking around it isn't funny and it's not fair on Emma.

Start calling your mum the name of someone she hates/doesn't get along with. Even better, your paternal grandmother's name.

See how she likes them chips.

My ex's mum used to call me a different name all the time. Really spiced up spending Christmas Christmas Day with her🙃

You need to make it result in unpleasantness for her every single time ie ask her if you should book her a memory test at the GP. Make a joke out of it and don't let her see you're riled - that's exactly what she wants.

Or say "is that the time, we need to go now."

Obviously you are best placed to guess her intent, but it could well be an accident. I regularly call my kids each others names, or even the cats name. A new partner of less then a year, I can see the slip up happening.

Look her straight in the eye and tell her you think it's odd that's she's getting Emma confused with someone who treated you badly and she hasn't even met. Every single time.

If your Mum is anywhere aged 45 or above, it could be a genuine mistake. I'm always getting names mixed up because my older brain is simply fuzzier that it once was.

If you believe thay your Mum is that nasty to be doing it deliberately then why have her in your life?

She’s not old so she’s not just being forgetful

There's lots of reasons why people can be forgetful without also being old.

I think the same. Only you can know if it's deliberate but honestly, I am absolutely the sort of idiot person to make a repeated gaff like this without any malice.

45 or above? Why's that then?

45?!! 😐Blimey.

I'm afraid I get names mixed up a lot. And if someone makes a fuss, then I get doubly mixed up because I'm trying to hard to get the name right that I really can't remember.

It's not necessarily on purpose.

45 🤔😂 bloody hell

OP you know your mum best if she’s doing it for the drama best thing you can both do is rise above. Make a bingo chart at home with prizes, but to her face don’t react.

Thank you for all the replies and advice! 💐as for the ‘how do you know it’s on purpose’ comments, it’s the kind of person my mother is unfortunately. She often does things to get a reaction out of someone or make them feel uncomfortable and can be a bit toxic, obviously I do still have a relationship with her because I have children and despite being a crappy mother, she’s a good grandmother, but it’s very limited outside of that.

My mother used to do exactly the same thing
She knew what she was doing-she enjoys the reaction
I ignored it,so she ramped it up until my brother asked (in front of her) if I thought she was starting with dementia
I said it may be possible,she went mental and it never happened again

My mil has called me by dps ex wives name once or twice over the years and once called me by her dds name (she lost her adult dd in 2000 due to battens disease)
It's not deliberate and we just laugh it off-she wouldn't dream of doing it just to get a reaction

That's the difference

Asking someone to get your name right any making a fuss!

What a nasty baiting narc she is.

Find out the name of one of your dad's ex girlfriends then start calling her that

If you think it’s deliberate I would be tempted just say that I was concerned she has signs of dementia, and ask if she’d like accompanying to the doctors every single time it happens.

next Time behave worried and say that you’re concerned she might have early onset dementia and she should book herself into to see the GP to get it checked out. Then later on in the day message her an nhs page about dementia and run the rough symptoms.

Emma probably doesn't mind because it's nice to think you have her back when your mother is being a dick. It shows you won't put up with it

Definitely call her by your dad’s ex’s name or the name of someone she hates. Every time you see her with emma! And get emma to call her that name too!

My grandad did this to my cousin's GF (now wife) but in his defense, he was in his 90s, cousin had been with his ex for 10+ years and cheated on replaced her with the new GF so there was no break in between. Your mum sounds like a bit of a cow.

What is actually wrong with you?