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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Still not in belief of the abuse and feel guilty for breaking up with him

13 replies

qwertyyz · 16/11/2024 10:00

We have 3 kids together. 8,6 and 3. We are 28. We've been together for 10 years

I finally broke up with him last night over him endlessly giving me the silent treatment I just couldn't take it anymore. I don't have any feelings for him now and couldn't even bring myself to kiss him when he tried to end the silent treatment

He would give me the silent treatment for silly things or just no reason at all. At times it was every day/other day. Recently it's been once a week. This week it was because I asked him for a date. Last week it was because apparently I ignore him when I watch a tv show he tries to talk to me and I am so into it I don't hear him. His response to this is to ignore me for days on end.

He also gave me the silent treatment the other week for having a lack of sex. He claimed I wasn't affectionate to him and we never had sex I just exploded and said can you blame me?? You are horrid to me and ignore me for no reason at all then after a day of ignoring me you tap me then just try to kiss me it's horrible and he can't understand how that's not normal I can't believe he doesn't see that's wrong. Before I'd just put up with it and beg him to change but I just don't want to anymore. I'm at a point I'm busy so much I don't even have time for him. I've purposely created a life without him in it. I try every weekend he's in to be out which is rare. He is out nearly ever weekend because I "don't deserve a weekend off". If he's off work I go out. I avoid him at all costs. I know just want him out the house and it's my house.

Yet still I feel guilty even though he's constantly silent treating me. Purposely does things wrong like if I ask for him to do the kids school bags, somehow forgets their snack and can't wash dishes. Can't cook etc
If I say can you take them to school today it's a huff. He gets angry. Calls me a bitch in front of the kids. For asking him to take his own kids to school

He has a flip side where he's my best friends and every thing I want. He loves my favourite films, loves having a laugh and singing silly together and just being silly. He models himself into the perfect person for me then has a flip and is horrid. Ignores me, calls me names in front of the kids, thinks he shouldn't tidy, make dinners do anything around the house or helpful with the kids. He does nothing at all that helps with the kids then can't do things right when asked

He's made it to the point I don't want or need him yet because I'm asking him to leave I feel very guilty. Yet he enjoys giving me the silent treatment and treating me badly. I've been wanting him to cheat for ages because then I wouldn't feel guilty asking him to leave the house.

OP posts:
Scintillae · 16/11/2024 10:05

You’ve got Stockholm syndrome. Good luck with your lovely new life. You are still young and don’t need that stress in your life!

R053 · 16/11/2024 10:08

I could never live with a person like that. The best friend then switch to silent treatment must have been psychological torture for you. You are well rid.

sel2223 · 16/11/2024 10:09

My ex was alot like this, the silent treatment could go on for days, weeks even.
We once had a full weeks holiday abroad not speaking because he'd taken the huff over something I said at the airport.

It took me 14 years to leave but I've never looked back

qwertyyz · 16/11/2024 10:15

@sel2223 yes this is exactly what he does it's a huff over something I've said when I never say anything outrageous or bad. He took a silent treatment because I said I loved him a few times in a day then he said I was love bombing him. It had just for once been a really nice few days and I was so relieved I kept telling him I loved him.

OP posts:
Error404pagenotfound · 16/11/2024 10:18

The silent treatment is a form of abuse. He knows exactly what he’s doing.

Abusers aren’t abusive 100% of the time. You wouldn’t drink a cup of tea if it had a little bit of shit in it, would you? 99% tea and 1% shit? Same applies here. The only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is zero.

Continue with your plan, you’re life will be so much happier without him I promise x

qwertyyz · 16/11/2024 14:48

@Error404pagenotfound why is he doing it to me? Then being my best friend I really don't get it, I can't live like it anymore I just don't get why he would do that to me

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 16/11/2024 14:53

He’s doing it because he loves having the power over you and controlling you. Please be strong and throw him out, change the locks, whatever it takes. I sincerely hope you’re not married as he can’t be thrown out of the marital home. Be strong for your dc, he is modellling them an extremely abusive relationship style.

Snowfalling · 16/11/2024 15:00

well done for having enough and ending the relationship. Think of what your dc are learning about relationships watching the two of you like this.

BTW the nice him is part of the abuse to reel you in before the abusive behaviour starts again. agree with pp who said this is about control, as is him going out every weekend so you don't get any time off, because you 'don't deserve' it.

Has he left the home now? Honestly stay angry and don't give in to his attempts to win you back.

Amyknows · 16/11/2024 15:29

You're feeling about asking him to leave, but you don't feel guilty about your kids growing up in a toxic and abusive environment? In fact you don't mention any concern about what this is doing to them, all about yourself op.

Amyknows · 16/11/2024 15:32

Calls me a bitch in front of the kids

That's so so bad. Your poor kids. Kick him out. He sounds pathetic and a useless father too! You and kids deserve better. Stop the guilt. You need to focus on your kids.

Error404pagenotfound · 16/11/2024 16:03

qwertyyz · 16/11/2024 14:48

@Error404pagenotfound why is he doing it to me? Then being my best friend I really don't get it, I can't live like it anymore I just don't get why he would do that to me

You won’t ever understand it, so best not to waste your time trying.

You won’t understand it because your brain works differently to his, you would never to that to someone so it’s beyond your comprehension. It is him, not you. Thats all you need to know x

R053 · 16/11/2024 20:38

qwertyyz · 16/11/2024 14:48

@Error404pagenotfound why is he doing it to me? Then being my best friend I really don't get it, I can't live like it anymore I just don't get why he would do that to me

To keep you confused and too attached to him to leave. “Hoovering” is a well known tactic of narcissistic trait people in general. They know that if they were nasty all the time the answer would be very clear for you and you’d have no hesitation about leaving. Also, narcissists have the self concept that they are good people at heart. You will often find them doing community service, excessively helping people out, being super friendly etc but treating their closest family members terribly behind closed doors.
Take a look at Dr Romani’s You Tube videos. You will probably be astonished at how accurately she will describe your DH.

Fedupandstressed · 16/11/2024 20:48

Are you married? Does he have any claim on your house?

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