Family gets together without me

[MySweetMaggie]

My (F50) brother (52) and his wife dropped in to see me quickly on their way to see my Father (84) who lives 3 hours away from me. They mentioned my sister (55) and her partner would also be there and they were all staying the night and catching up. This also happened back in July, they all visited Dad together and stayed the night and had a family get together. Neither we mentioned to me, and I was not asked to attend. We all have children, I'm the only single parent.

My sister didn't speak to my mother and father for 13 years and reconnected with my father after my mother's death in 2021. I feel like I am not really in my own family. I have tried asking what is wrong (have been really calm, not upset towards him), but my brother then brands me as 'difficult' or 'complaining' and says my sister just invites herself when he goes to see Dad. It feels like gaslighting and it's starting to make me feel so sad.

Same. I’m sorry. It’s shit.

I can see how it would feel hurtful to be deliberately excluded… but is it not possible that your brother is speaking the truth? That there isn’t some long thought out dastardly plan to meet without you? That perhaps your sister does gate crash your brother’s visits?

Your brother stopped and visited you - that doesn’t seem like the actions of someone who doesn’t see you as family. I also don’t think everyone has to be invited to everything (excluding events like Christmas, etc) all the time.

Sorry to hear this happens to you too. The sadness is really deep. How do you get through it?

You're right, he did drop in and maybe he had no idea how hard it is for me to feel like I'm the odd one out. We don't get together for Christmas, birthdays etc, so when the rest do see each other, it would feel good to be invited I guess.

How often do you organise get togethers?

I understand but why don't you organise going to see him? You don't need your siblings surely?

Why do you require a special invitation? Get in your car and go join them.

How often do you visit your dad? Do you ever ask your siblings to come too? Does he have room for you all at the same time ? If not, have you suggested all meeting up somewhere else ? Perhaps you haven't provided enough info but from your post you read as very passive in these arrangements and then hurt that you are not included. Take the initiative and see what happens. If you get knocked back more than once then you need to have an open conversation about it and either resolve or accept the situation.

You're just assuming that they're deliberately excluding you, which might not be the case at all and could be exactly as your brother said it was, that your sister invites herself when he's there.

Why don't you try and arrange a full family get together yourself if you'd like to see everyone? More than like they'll all be delighted to see you there too.

It's three hours away and I'm a single parent. I do require an invitation, we aren't a close family and my sister hasn't really spoken to me since she rejoined the family after mum's death. She was not speaking to anyone for 13 years.

I see my father regularly, always on my own with my kids. The gathering that was organised between them, has every other person in my immediate family, except me.

Ask him to tell you the next time he’s visiting your dad, or better yet plan a visit together

My family used to have big barbecue get togethers with my daughter and not invite me my aunt had a word with me about my rude behaviour and was horrified to find out I was never invited she believed my mother when she said I was saying no and being rude "insisting" she look after my child so I could spend time with my friends

I was literally working and catching up on housework thinking my mom was being kind offering to have my daughter for the afternoon

You don't have to be there, you are all adults. It sounds as if you and your sister are different people/don't get on. She might get on better with your brother and meeting up at your father's is just a convenient location and killing two birds with one stone. You want to turn it into something bigger than it is. As adults, most people, have independent relationships with their parents and siblings.

"my sister hasn't really spoken to me since she rejoined the family"
She didn't leave the family, she fell out with your mother and it looks like you backed your mum. Too late to change that now, but she doesn't have to forgive you. You could speak to your Dad and ask if he'd have you all over at once, then take it from there. But you might have to accept that she doesn't want to be in your company.

My family had messed up dynamics so I recognise the hurt. I’ve been left out of many family occasions, and had my efforts to arrange things sabotaged. It’s totally shit.

However, things might not be as they seem. Just some random thoughts…

Your sister was estranged for many years, so things may still be very difficult there. Maybe she feel safer visiting with her brother. They obviously talk.

Maybe your family assume you are cool with everything because you are managing to visit your dad regularly (and they aren’t?).

Maybe your dad enjoys seeing just you and your family and finds visits from too many people at once overwhelming.

Sometimes being a single mum can lead people to make strange and unfounded assumptions about what you would like or how you want to do things. Sadly those assumptions can lead to very thoughtless behaviour.

You could try believing your brother that she invited herself and invite yourself too next time, rather ghan waiting to be invited. Or organise a family get together.

Why did you sister go nc for 13 years in the first place, and did you stay in touch with her? Do you have any kind of relationship with her?

I agree with the poster who talked about your family dynamics .

It's clear that after the estrangement, your sister feels safer with your brother being there . After an estrangement relationships don't revert to how they used to be. There will be awkwardness, possibly an underlying tension of unsaid things ... your brother being there is possibly a buffer .

Given your response she probably feels more comfortable with him as your response has been to make it competitive and about your exclusion.

Of course I am speculating but only based on what you have shared .

Does your sister ever visit your dad by herself?

So you aren’t really being excluded by everyone.

Your brother arranges to see your father. Then your sister decides to join them. You know your brother is going. As he arranged to come see you.

Your sister clearly wants to see your father and your brother. So your sister is arranging to see them when they are together. It’s not about excluding you. It’s about seeing the people she wants to see.

She doesn’t really speak to you so doesn’t seek to go down and see her father when you are there.

You could also go visit at the same time if seeing your father and sister and brother is important to you. You knew your brother was going.

Your brother is making an effort to come see you. Has told you how it’s happened. And you have labelled him as abusive. Gaslighting is an abusive behaviour. Can you see how you are coming across as difficult? And putting your brother, who is making an effort, into a difficult position and making it out he is doing something to hurt you on purpose. Could this sort of thing be why your sister is low contact with you?

Even though you know your sister is low contact with you, you want her to visit when she knows you are? And not visit when her brother who she does speak to is there. But surely you get that she wouldn’t visit when someone she is low contact is there?

If you want family get together, go when your brother is going. Speak to your sister and find out why she continues to be low contact with you, even though she is speaking to your brother and father.

What were the reasons she wet no contact?

This isn’t about excluding you. This is about her seeing the family members she is in contact with. Do you see the difference in intention?

What would you like your brother to do? Ban her from going if he is? Refuse to go if she is going and you haven’t been invited, even though that may mean she doesn’t?

He isn’t orchestrating this and putting in effort to see you, yet you are using some quite unpleasant terms about him. Do you see how that could be perceived as being difficult? And how you being ‘so sad’ and putting it on him, might make your relationship worse?

I have such sympathy. I used to arrange get-togethers for all our adult kids, partners and grand-daughters., but haven’t done so recently. One daughter - let’s call her Mary - chooses not to work. On weekends away I’d pay for her and her daughter so they could come. She has always disliked me. Didn’t invite us to her wedding, never asks us round, doesn’t offer tea or coffee on the rare occasions we have called in - always to take her something she needs. On Saturday it was Mary who arranged the get-together. We, the parents were neither told nor invited. Found out the next day when she posted a photograph on Facebook! So cruel. Feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach.