Tone of voice misinterpreted

[amIloud]

My DH and kids say that my voice often sounds angry when I'm not actually angry. I grew up with a different language that is tonally different although English is my main language now, we also used to speak very loudly in my family.

I try really hard but DH said sometimes it's like I'm telling them off and honestly I don't mean to. So for example today I'd just tidied the kitchen and mopped the floor and DH started eating and dropping food, I said (I don't think in any particular tone although granted prob annoying cos he's not a kid) to be careful of dropping crumbs (I had already seen some land) he pulled a nasty face at me and almost shouted at me to leave him alone. Later I asked him. I said why did you pull such a fave when I simply asked you to be careful and he said because the tone of my voice was that I was telling him off.

I'm not tone deaf, excuse the pun! But maybe I am as it was not my intention. My house was full of conflict and shouting growing up, but I'm so paranoid all the time now and I feel genuinely taken back when the kids or DH get cross at me for the tone of my voice when there is no criticism or malice there!

Don't know my AIBU but wasn't sure where to post this!

It’s so difficult to tell you whether you’re being unreasonable or not.

Is this a new thing? Because I’m assuming you haven’t suddenly changed the way you’re talking to them? Have they ever mentioned it before?

And what are they doing when they accuse you of being cross with them? Because if it was your issue, surely you’d also sound cross when you ask them if they had a good day? Or talked about what to have for dinner? Do they ever ask you if you’re cross with them when you talk about weekend plans? Or is it just when they’re sodding about or making a mess? Because it would be easier for them to deflect and accuse you of getting cross, rather than stop what they’re doing.

I've suffered from it too, and I'm a native English speaker.

YANBU in the sense that the trouble is you don't know, and you have no way of knowing until someone tells you, that what sounds to you a perfectly reasonable tone of voice coming out of your own head is actually going across harsher than you intend. It hurts to find out you've been inadvertently upsetting people without even being aware of it.

Have you explained your difficulty with this to them? Maybe if they understand they'll cut you some slack but, now you're conscious of it, work on softening your tone.

I'd be annoyed too if I'd just moped and tidied and my DP was walking around dropping food. Does this issue about your "tone" only occur when you are asking your DH not to do things like this!

Many accents sound quite harsh when in English, my husband's for starters, his family all sound like they are shouting when they are having a normal conversation! Word order also plays a part, so some languages translate as more commanding than English 'don't drop crumbs' rather than 'would you mind using a plate?' type of phrasing. Part of this may be your original language, and part of it sounds like your husband has got very sensitive to criticism, and perhaps is encouraging the children to push back against this, which is not very cooperative or helpful of him.

My husband's culture does sound harsh, and the mums sometimes sound harsh with the children but if people are loving and good parents, this comes over just fine, something is going on with him perhaps.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. He shouldn't be dropping crumbs everywhere like a child, to start with! I'd be snappy too!

My DH is Norwegian, and while it can be quite a musical accent sometimes it can also sound grumpy if he's distracted, and even after years here and being fluent in English, he still mixes his sentence structure up a bit. Usually if he's been speaking to his Mum or our kids in Norwegian.

I've had people say "D is quite surly today, he okay?" And I'm like...he's not surly. 😂 I'm surprised your DH isn't more used to it though. I picked up on these things quite early. Or maybe he has and he's just being a big baby. In which case, that's a him problem and he needs to pack in calling you out for something you can't help in front of the kids.

Thanks for the responses DH is very sensitive to criticism. As a family they always deflect blame, they never accept they can be at fault. As in my ILs.

I've often said to my DH it's not bad to accept you're in the wrong (when he is) eg he can often over react to things, I think it's also cos he has a very stressful job. I'm often left feeling like the bad one.

I don't have an accent, I've spoken English since I went to school (I only spoke my first language before then) therefore my English is excellent. No one else has commented on my tone. But of course in my family they probably won't.

Thank you!! Yes!! I'd cleaned the entire kitchen literally 15 mins before and I was picking cheese off the counter and he was dropping bits on the floor and I thought I said it as a joke really politely and he gave me the most nasty face. I left it and brought it up later in the evening.

Well yes he said I often don't realise what my tone is and the kids have said this too.

Now that you’ve said this, I don’t think I’d be so quick to accept blame, if I were you. I mean, it might be an element of your tone, but I don’t think this is entirely down to you.

It sounds like the problem is that your husband doesn’t like being asked to be careful, or not make a mess where you’ve just cleaned. And the kids have either inherited this trait from him, or have seen him do it and have watched how effective it is to blame your tone, rather than address what they’re doing. How would he like you to ask him not to drop bits of food everywhere? Or should you not ask him at all? Just stay silent and clean up behind him?

My XH used to object to my tone of voice when I was asking him to do something for me. 'Don't use that tone of voice' he'd say, when what he really meant was 'do not put any demands on me, my time is infinitely more precious than yours.'

I did not use any 'tone' at all. I was simply making a request for something he didn't want to do, so starting an argument or avoiding doing it because 'he didn't like the way I asked him' was an easy way to get out of helping.

Try handing him a written note, "please be careful not to drop crumbs"

I suspect he'd accuse you of "flaming" him or using too many capital letters.

So he's extremely sensitive to criticism but very quick to criticise you?

Never mind your tone, fuck that noise from him.

In that case, I don't think it's on you- your tone was polite and straightforward and if you don't have a 'commanding' word structure, then I don't see the issue. As you say, he is over sensitive.

The bigger issue, as I'm sure you are aware, is that he is encouraging the children to push back. I'd say to him- fine, if you are oversensitive, but do not undermine my parenting if I tell the children to do something and you don't like my 'tone'. Tell me that later.

Lots of conversations about under mining parenting today - guys I hate to say it I have a DH problem