New Partner Being Too Positive?

[TheNightmareBeforeChristmas21]

I’ve been with someone new for a few months now (3-4 months) and up until now, I’ve found no faults with them - genuinely such a lovely ‘green flag’ person and we get on so so well.

I’ve had about 2 weeks of hell - I had a big operation which then diagnosed me with 2 new health conditions which I’ll now have to live with and manage sort of thing, a couple of days post recovery whilst still feeling very very rough one of my children became unwell and then a couple of days after that I then caught covid somehow before I had even started recovering from my operation. It’s been a lot to deal with but they’ve been amazing helping me out during that time.

They are a very glass half-full kind of person, which is usually great but I’m one of these people that if things are shit, I need to sit in those shit emotions before I can pick myself back up again and dust myself off. I have tried to express a couple of times how low I’m feeling because of everything that’s happened over the last couple of weeks - it’s been overwhelming and a lot to take on board etc - and sometimes I need someone to just turn around and say “yeah, do you know what? It is shit and it’s okay to feel like that” but they have almost been a bit ‘toxic positive’ about it - just motivational speeches on how I’m smashing through it and so on, and they probably think it’s helping but it’s not - it’s annoying me and making me feel like my feelings are being invalidated and not heard.

AIBU to feel this way and how should I approach it with them?

They definitely just think they are helping, trying to pick you up when you're low. I dont think it's toxic. I think you just need to speak to them and say "please just allow me to feel this way when I need to. I know you're trying to be positive but I need my time."

Be extremely blunt. That it’s not helping you him giving inane motivational speeches about positivity. That you’re having a difficult time, and coming to terms with tough stuff and future things you’ll have to manage, and that you’re sitting with overwhelming feelings at the moment, not trying to turn them into something else. And tell him .exactly what you need from him.

I don't know but if it was me I think I'd just have to try and have a gentle and honest conversation about it with him kinda exactly as you've described it here. You owe it to yourself, him and the relationship to express it. You can't force someone to empathise but it might be this is the approach that's worked for him in past with family and friends or previous relationships. Perhaps it's what he'd like to hear when he's going through a rough time.

This is a pretty good video that explains the subtle difference that I think you're trying to say. Perhaps you could show him this maybe it might help?

Your post is a bit contradictory so I don't know

You say they say “yeah, do you know what? It is shit and it’s okay to feel like that”... making me feel like my feelings are being invalidated and not heard

To be honest, I think this men in general. They tend towards wanting to be practical and offer solutions, rather than sympathy. Works for me as I’m like that too; not everyone is the same.

Yeah, that would do my head in. Coming from a good place but agree that motivational speeches can get in the sea when you just need to be miserable for a bit.

Thank you so much for this! X

If you read the post correctly I said that’s what I need someone to do and say but they don’t?

My partner isn’t a man, that’s why I didn’t put the gender in my OP because we live in 2024 - we shouldn’t be still saying oh men just do this and women just do that… and I knew it would create a bias of some sort

🙈

That's a lot to have on your plate op and I can see why you feel the way you do. What they're saying isn't wrong and from what you've described I wouldn't describe it as toxic either, but it's just not what you need or want from them right now.

All you really need to do is say to them exactly what you've said here - you appreciate what they're trying to do and you know they're trying to 'fix' it and mean well but actually want you really want from them is a bit of validation and sympathy rather than encouragement or a solution. That you're the type of person who needs a little time to wallow and feel your feelings and you'll pick yourself up then. You could suggest that when you come across as down/frustrated/upset they just ask you - do you want to vent or do you want a solution/encouragement and then you can let them know what you need and they'll know how best to support you in that moment?

If they take this on board then that's great. If they don't then I'd say it was bordering into the toxic.

Your partner is trying to be supportive. When a person is down most people assume they need to hear positive, supportive things to try and feel better.

If you don't want that you need to be clear and explain what you need. Tell them that you just want a moment to vent and wallow for a while. Explain you're just letting it out and you just need them to nod along and listen without offering solutions.

I don't think they're doing anything wrong. You just need to let them know what you are hoping for from them.

Ah, I do respond in a similar way to your partner. It isn't that I want to fix the long-term problem but I want to help them feel temporarily better because I know what it feels like to feel down. Saying 'that's shit' can feel like it isn't enough, and I know you're saying it is but to some people, it feels like a half finished sentence. So I would say something like: 'You're going through so much right now and it's a really difficult situation but you got through x situation because you're tough, and so I know you'll get through y situation too'.

It's a really tough habit to break. It is kind of selfish, because the person being overly positive is often struggling to handle seeing their partner or friend suffer due to empathy. They aren't usually thinking 'I'm going to stop this person ever feeling sad about this issue ever again with my uplifting words'.