Being kind

[Flute56]

Someone was recently very kind to me for a few days and I want to show my gratitude by repaying kindness back and I have suggested that to themn but they said it's not necessary I feel bad is there anything I can do to persuade them to change their minds. I was in a situation once where I didn't show enough gratitude and the person complained so this time I want to do the right thing but this person won't let me and he advice

Don't suggest just do it.

Any advice

Cook them a meal? Take them out somewhere? Flowers? Chocolates?

Why do you need advice? Just give them flowers, chocolates, wine etc. It doesn't require that much thought. It's a gesture, nothing complicated.

If someone asked me whether they could return a kindness I'd shown them I'd say no because I would've done it with no expectation. However, if they took it upon themselves to send me something, I'd be delighted. Unless you know they'd be upset for whatever reason, just do it. They'll most likely be made up.

I would say true kindness or help expects nothing in return.

I did buy them dinner but they dont live near me so i suggested next ttime when they are near i could gove them a tour of my home town as they did ask what it was like but they said that was not mecessary. I guess if they were really interested in seeing where i live they would say thanks id love to see where you live

If you have thanked them and bought them dinner I would think that was enough. Perhaps just be there for them if needed in the future.

I think you need to make sure you being kind in return isn’t trapping Them into making more effort- for example visiting for a tour is lovely but commits them to spending more time in your area.

Something like a cake through the post, or a thank you card, can be received with no effort from the recipient.

If someone wanted to delight and surprise me, a treat that arrived on my doorstep would be the way to do it.

When I went to stay with a relative a few years ago I thanked them by buying them a couple of feels and clean their house and taking the dog for a daily walk I'm taking their daughter to school and they said to me that that wasn't good enough I should have done a lot more and then when my visit to them was over they said they didn't want to hear from me again and we haven't spoken since because they thought I was too selfish. I even gave them flowers and they thought the flowers should have been better and bigger

I thanked them by buying them a couple of feels

Sorry, that made me chuckle!

Was there a backstory there? How long did you stay?

Are the situations comparable? Did the relative expect money/rent? Are they just unpleasant ? The second situation the person has said you don't need to do anything and that you have already bought them a meal. Are they out of pocket? Would you be in a position to send a thank you gift?

3 weeks

Yes I could send a thank you gift but it wasn't the dinner that I bought them a thank you gift

Well, if they housed and fed you for free for a year and you bought them a couple of meals, took their dog for a walk, bought them a £1 bunch of daffodils from Asda and then dropped them, they've got a point.

If you stayed with them on holiday for a week, they are weird.

Back to your current situation, depending on how big of a favour they did you, flowers, chocolates, theatre tickets, special prepaid dinner/afternoon tea, spa booking are all appropriate.

Yes I would say so, but you seem worried it isn't enough.

They took me out in their car several times driving long distances and bought me a few meals and drinks so thats why i dont thinķ one meal in return is enough

But everyone's different.

If they're saying the meal was enough, you might have to trust them on that.

You're are contradicting yourself! In one post asking isn't a meal a thank you and then saying it isn't? You have offered a stay with you and that has been turned down. I would sent a heartfelt thank you card and whatever gift you can afford.

To be honest the people you are speaking about here don’t seem very nice people.
When people are doing something out of kindness they don’t generally expect anything in return, and if they do receive something they are pleased. These people sound ungrateful.

The new person who has shown you kindness is a different person. The meal you have bought then probably is genuinely enough. You are encountering a normal person with a normal reaction.

Try not to overthink it based on one past bad experience.

Did you offer petrol money?

The thing is it’s very context dependent.

With the people you stayed with for 3 weeks, they may have seen the dog walk and cleaning as normal ‘pulling your weight’ when you live somewhere rather than as thanks for letting you stay. To be honest, they don’t sound very nice so I wouldn’t use them as a bench mark for how to behave with other people.

While saying thank you is important, and being kind and thoughtful in return, you can’t actually ’pay off’ kindness- it’s more about relationship than transaction.

You remember their kindness and look out for the opportunity to help them, regardless of having bought them flowers.

I did offer petrol money but she said no

Honestly, I think this is on you. If you want to send the person who was kind a gift you think they would like, send it. Don't ask them what you can do to repay them. Most people will say 'Oh, no need.' But there's no objective criterion for 'how much you need to do to show appropriate amounts of gratitude'.

I play the piano so i thought i would video myself playing a nice tune and sent it via wassap

WhatsApp, you mean? I don't really think that's a gift.

It's too vague to say "I want to return your kindness". Just choose something that will improve their day and do it. Send flowers or a cake like a previous poster said, or treat them to a meal out or a massage voucher or something.