To ask you to help sort my life out?

[LovingAmberCat]

I am a single parent in my 2nd year of a BA degree, my timetable has turned out not to be conducive to single parenting, with extremely early starts and very late finishes outside of normal working hours, as well as a commute, the abuse from my ex has ramped up and my mental health has nosedived. As a result my attendance has dropped below the 70% that the university require. All my assignments have been submitted on time and I have got good grades for these. Next term the timetable is even worse, and I will barely see my dd at all if I attend all the lectures/seminars. Everything is recorded and I manage to catch up in the evenings once she is asleep as well as complete all reading and tasks. It is not the academic side I struggle with, but the timing and I am desperately worried that I am going to be withdrawn from the course, which is threatened in the email I received from the university yesterday. I previously attempted a degree a decade ago and did not complete it, due to the abusive relationship that resulted in my dd, so if I fail this time I have no more funding available. The thought of being trapped in the low wage, long hours, physical jobs I have been in for a decade and accumulating even more student debt for no degree is terrifying.

I feel like I am spiralling and would appreciate any advice as to what I should do, I have never had any real idea of what I wanted to be when I grew up, and now I am a grown up with a child to provide for it is even more worrying. I just want to make enough money to support my daughter without relying on UC, and I thought getting my degree and a graduate job would be the answer to this, but it now seems out of reach again. I was a high achiever at school and feel that the years of domestic abuse and then single parenting have just burnt me out to the extent I can no longer see the wood from the trees. I am taking steps with the courts to try and mitigate the abuse from my ex, but I am seriously worried that doing this will mean he murders me, I have been receiving death threats and he has been stalking and harassing me for over half a decade after I left. I never went to the police previously because I felt they could not actually protect me from him. It feels like there is no escape.

Should I just withdraw from the degree now if I am going to fail through non attendance to save accumulating more student debt? But then what the hell do I do? I have no valuable skills or experience in anything that could make more than minimum wage, and no real passions that could lead to employment. I cannot drive or really afford to learn or run a car, I have been scraping by for my entire adult life. No money to start a business and I don’t even know what that could even be. I had such a good start in life and I am so so ashamed of what I have become and I cannot see a way out.

Can you not get in touch with the uni to discuss this first to see if there’s a way around the attendance requirement given your circumstances first? A woman I went to uni with was also a single parent and I know she had an agreement with the uni which meant they reduced the attendance requirement for her on the understanding that she kept up with the work and caught up online with lectures she missed, she had to attend all seminars as they weren’t able to be recorded and required participation but lectures they reduced the % she had to make. It’s definitely worth an ask, do you have a tutor there you could speak to about it first?

Yes I would ask for exemption from the attendance requirement - with justification that your work is of good quality

Absolutely, @Mrsttcno1 ! Don't give up on uni - they have to make reasonable accommodations. Have you discussed your issues with your advisor at all?

Also, please talk to Women's Aid.

You must report the abuse to the police. I hope you have kept notes of what's been happening over the years, but even if you haven't, you should be able to reconstruct the series of threats and incidents by going over emails, messages, etc.

Please don't give up!

When are your lectures? Is there any way you could attend 80% of them with careful planning?

First things first however email your lecturer, student services, pastoral care and who ever sent the email explaining about your circumstances as a single parent finding the logistics difficult, they are about to get even more difficult and the pressure from your ex. It’s all effecting you’re mental health. Explain you’ve meticulously watched each lecture, read designated books and handed assignments in on time. Have they any suggestions with how to resolve the timetable issue as you desperately want to continue to provide a better future for your child.

Hi OP, I was in a very similar situation back in 2010-2012.. speak to the university, if your grades are on point they should assist, I won't lie, it's a very hard few years but ultimately it's worth the hard work, I don't know how you are set up with family/trusted friends for childcare but lean on them, yes you will see DC less but it's not forever. And yes you will have very little free time, what time you do have will be for DC. I can promise you though, it was the best thing I did, long term. There is very little practical advice in this post but I wanted to let you know it is do able, but hard and the fact you have come so far.. you can do it. Time will go by anyway, this time will hurt and be hard, but it will pass .. best of luck from one mum to another. ❤️