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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect partner to be a tad more helpful

24 replies

splishsplosh · 27/04/2008 18:36

I'm fed up of doing pretty much all the childcare at the weekend, while partner sleeps or goes out with his mates. He's been taking her out for 3 hours on a Saturday morning for a while now, (he gets up about 9.20, and goes straight out the door with her, expecting her to be dressed / buggy packed etc), and that's it for the weekend.
As i'm 18 weeks pg, I decided I need more rest. As I look after my 6 year old niece Sat lunchtime to Sunday lunchtime, I said I expected him to spend time with dd Sunday afternoon.
So he arranged for his mum to have her all last Sunday.
This Sunday, when he woke, he obviously panicked at the weight of responsibility, and phoned his mum to have her for the afternoon. So he left at 3 with her (it's about 45 minute trip each way by bus & tram). He did expect me to go pick her up but I said it'd been his choice to take her there instead of looking after her himself, so he should get her.
He's still expecting me to go down the road to meet them off the bus, to avoid the 5 minute walk up the road, so he can get back to his friends/pub whatever for the rest of the night, while I bring her up the hill, get her dinner and put her to bed.

AIBU to be annoyed at his reluctance to shoulder responsibility for an afternoon??? He hardly sees her in the week as he likes to sleep in if he gets a chance, and usually gets home after she's in bed

OP posts:

moondog · 27/04/2008 18:39

STOP PANDERING TO HIM THEN.

HonorMatopoeia · 27/04/2008 18:40

Nope YANBU - sounds like he needs a swift kick in the pants to me.

Original poster

splishsplosh · 27/04/2008 18:42

You are right. It's just he is like some awful overgrown toddler, who has spent 30 years perfecting his whining and tantrums, and I am feeling worn down. It is easier with a real toddler, I can just strap her in buggy / leave her lying on the floor and wait for the screams to stop, and then carry on. He doesn't stop.

OP posts:

Tommy · 27/04/2008 18:44

Is she his daughter as well?

I the answer is yes, then you know he should share the child care with you.

Arrange to go away for a weekend and leave him to it - or even for the day but make sure you do it so he knows what a respnsibility it is to have a child

BubbaAndBump · 27/04/2008 18:48

OMG no, yanbu - you shouldn't even have to ask him to help as he had something to do with making her in the first place I presume?? Some guys just take longer to adjust.

Are you able to have a word with your partner's mum to say you eed more input from him and can she stop helping (in a nice way ) - unless she's the reason he's such a wimp.

Book yourself a night out starting at 3pm for next weekend and let him know - maybe once he spends some more real time (not just out in the buggy) with her, he'll start to bond with her more?

Original poster

splishsplosh · 27/04/2008 18:52

She's 2.3, and yes he's her dad. And he says how great she is, how he enjoys spending time with her... but he prefers to have somewhere proper to go, like a dad's group, and seems to find it hard to actually just be with her in a park / painting / reading. And he certainly doesn't share the nitty gritty chores of childcare. When he does do something, like a bath, or read before bedtime, or when he looked after her for a few hours while I had a hospital appointment, he expects me to rave about how marvellous he's been. Maybe that would work, but I cannot bring myself to praise him effusively for just sharing the job a bit more

OP posts:

BubbaAndBump · 27/04/2008 19:06

Not trying to make you feel like your situation is worse, (and my DH has many faults), but my DH gets up at the weekend with our DD (I'm also about 16 weeks pg), does all her food at the moment (makes it and feeds her) as I can't go near smelly food, and always does bath time with her - he even arranges going out in the evening to fit around her bath time. He loves the time with her but it helps when I say stuff like "she loves bath time with you" etc - makes him want to do it more (worked at beginning anyway, and now he loves it himself).

Book yourself a day out...

FreddysTeddy · 27/04/2008 19:12

Why do you have your neice every Sat to Sun lunchtime?

Thankyouandgoodnight · 27/04/2008 20:29

My DH does loads too - we each have a lie in at the weekends - one morning each. He is getting better at remembering to pack the buggy but he will play with her while I cook dinner and does 2 out of the 3 Friday - Sunday bed times and helps clear up after her meals etc. He's not so good at creating them but that's ok. We spend every weekend together as a family and if any of his friends are involved, they either pitch in with us or he doesn't see them. he rarely goes out.

Original poster

splishsplosh · 27/04/2008 20:32

I have my niece while her mum works a night shift / sleeps a bit either side.

I do tell him how much dd loves spending time with him. And this week she's been really keen towards him, telling him it's not fair that he has to go to work, and the 1 evening he got back in time, took him off to read stories.
But food, getting dressed etc just doesn't seem to be part of his job in his eyes.

I guess I'm even more disappointed that he can't see it would be nice to do more now I'm pg. I've certainly lowered my expectations for when number 2 is around

OP posts:

Thankyouandgoodnight · 27/04/2008 20:39

Have you explained what you would like him to do? In detail - so, say that you would like him to get ger dressed and give her breakfast and clear it away 'x' mornings a week rather than 'I'd like you to help more'. He may not realise exactly what needs to be done - men are rather vague like that....

Original poster

splishsplosh · 27/04/2008 21:02

Might not have made everything plain, but have, fo example, been trying to get 1 lie in a week. He did it a couple of times, but then fell asleep on sofa downstairs, so 1 time I woke up to hear his snores, and another time dd came to find me. Mostly he just tells me he's too tired, or says he'll get up in a bit. But never does, so I end up just getting on with it, as it makes me so angry when he won't get up, I'd rather avoid that. I think he thinks he's the lodger.

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Thankyouandgoodnight · 27/04/2008 21:16

Crikey - how infuriating!! I really sympathise with you - that would drive me mad.

I think you have two choices - either sit him down and explain exactly what you need and how he can help (in detail) OR walk out and leave him to do all the childcare and housework etc ideally for 3 or 4 days so that he really notices the consequences of him not doing certain jobs (like getting food in / doing the washing etc). How old is your DD - could you bear to do that? I would also have a chat with his mum and explain the situation and try and get her on side first, otherwise DD will end up at her house. It may be that she always did everything while his dad loafed about and so he doesn't really know any other way and needs teaching.

Original poster

splishsplosh · 27/04/2008 21:24

dd is 2, and I am sure he would be round to his mum's in a shot.
He was brought up by his step dad, who I think did do things round the house - I've seen him vacuuming, and he does a lot of work on the house. But I know his step dad was always going on at him, so I feel like he's recreating his teenage life - expecting me to be his mum that does everything, and finding I'm like his step dad, wanting him to do more.

This as well as lots of other stuff has really damaged our relationship I feel, so we don't really do things as a family any more

OP posts:

BubbaAndBump · 27/04/2008 21:46

awww, big hugs to you splishsplosh - sounds like you've tried lots, but it might be good to have a proper sit down and talk time and explain x,y and z with all you're liking that he's doing, and what you as a family still need him to do

Thankyouandgoodnight · 27/04/2008 21:57

Somehow he needs you to give his testicles back without him realising that it was you that did it and make him all territorial about HIS family and make him want to look after you all.............lord knows how you do that !

milliec · 27/04/2008 22:02

Message withdrawn

Original poster

splishsplosh · 27/04/2008 22:11

I wish I could make him feel like he wanted to look after us all! Mostly he just seems to feel hard done by because I don't look after him and his needs enough, sadly.

He did take her swimming once, and did mention it as a possibility, so that's a good idea. I've just started taking her to lessons and she loves it so far, so I'm sure they could have fun.

Why is it so much hard work though? To realise he's not "helping me out" but doing the job that we have an equal responsibility for at the weekend.

OP posts:

nzshar · 27/04/2008 22:19

He needs to grow up! You are not his mother for gods sake. Damn I dont know why women put up with this type of man. No actually i do ...I divorced the man that was like that! now I have a man that knows how to have a relationship with his children and knows how to treat me like a woman not a mother!

Original poster

splishsplosh · 27/04/2008 22:23

He definitely needs to grow up, and take his reponsibilities seriously. He's a cross between a toddler, a teenager, a single young man and a grumpy old grandad. But he's missed out on the supportive, responsible adult bit

OP posts:

nzshar · 27/04/2008 22:27

Oh dear I got brought up by my father who couldnt give a shit and an abusive stepmum but do I blame my childhood to be a shite mum no . It's no excuse

Original poster

splishsplosh · 27/04/2008 22:29

The joke is he tells me I couldn't manage as a single mum, even though I do almost everything. Maybe he's worried about losing his 2nd mummy (but not worried enough to pull his socks up)

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rookiemater · 28/04/2008 09:18

I hate to be the voice of dissent amongst so much agreement here, but if you DH takes your DD out for 3 hrs on Saturday and is on his own with her on Sunday afternoon and you look after your niece from Saturday lunchtime until Sunday lunchtime, then when exactly do you have time together as a family ?

I agree that your DH needs to spend time with his DD and sometimes assume sole responsibility, who can argue with that, but I find that if DH and I don't spend time together with DS as a family thats when it all starts breaking down. Yes its easier in a way when I am on my own with DS and likewise for DH but we are a family and its important for DS to have family excursions and fun together with us.

I may be way out of line here, but I think part of the problem is the fact that you are naturally tired because you are pg and you are also looking after your niece for a full day and night at the weekend. If I were your DH I'd feel a bit grumpy too I think.

Sorry, I hate disagreeing with people.

Original poster

splishsplosh · 28/04/2008 09:59

well it would be good if we spent time as a family, but it just doesn't happen. It's only 2 weekends I've tried to get him to look after her Sunday afternoon. Before that, he would do his own thing. For example, he once asked if I wanted to go and lie down, when I said I wasn't tired, he didn't think, oh we can all enjoy the afternoon together, he just went upstairs, put his headphones on and started watching a film. The only way I can get him to do something is to give him the whole job, otherwise he does 5 minutes jolly play before going to sleep, watching films, or going out with his mates.

OP posts:

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