AIBU to be sick of sexist allocation? Need a list.

[DoneWithCleaning]

Well - I know I am not BU, but posting here for traffic.

He does loads around the house. He is a skilled tradesman, and enjoys cooking.
But - he has chosen to cook. He has chosen to use his skills in the house.
I get no choice. I am left with the grotty cleaning because he won't do it.

He will push a vacuum round - that is not too emasculating
but he won't use the brush attachment to do the dusting while he is at it.

He will cook, using (it feels like) every utensil and pan in the kitchen, because men cook
but he won't wipe the counters, and definitely won't clean the sink

He will do the veg patch and mow the lawn
but won't touch the flowerbeds

He will take the black bin bags out front
but won't empty the small bins in each room

He will do the tyre pressures on my car
but won't sew a button on his trousers

He will shop for food for the meals he cooks
but won't buy breakfast cereal, let alone toothpaste or laundry stuff

You get the picture.
We need a proper sit down discussion and re-assignment of duties.
Do you know of any published lists of 'all household tasks and mental load'. I had a look at the Fair Play cards, but they are a bit heavy on children's stuff (no kids at home) and mental load, and only had one card for ALL cleaning.

Does he clean the loo after use though? I know MN is divided on the whole loo brush issue, but does he at least have good aim and leave it clean after use? If not, I wouldn't be cleaning up after him either.

You've just reminded me of yet another benefit of single life.

I have no mental load over 'his' jobs. I never have to remind him to take the black bin bags out, or suggest he needs to go and buy food for the dinners this week, or ask him to look after my car, or ask him to run the vacuum round the sitting room, or ask him to fix a wonky drawer.
He just does it.

But if it is stuff he thinks of as woman's work, basically anything to do with water or cleaning, yes I do have to keep an eye on the standard, if it does it at all.

Neither of them likes cleaning the toilet and so it's "wife's work". He doesn't do any jobs that he doesn't like. That's a good part of what OP is upset about.

How does this work? What is on the cards? Just tasks, or mental load?

This man does more than most men. Never mind whether it's a fair division. It's better than other men. So you should settle for that and be grateful. Is that really where we are in 2024?

Yes, this is an issue to bring up. If you do the cards, you need to split jobs into micro tasks. Because my DH will say he's cleaning up after a meal and will have put the dishwasher on but not wiped the table or kitchen sides after. I hate it. It's 2/3 of the job but the kitchen isn't tidy and ready to use again.

The Cards | Fair Play Life

I found them not specific enough about housework. They do cover your whole life together, so are good for identifying mental and emotional work.

It's not bad if OP doesn't mind doing all the tasks that have been left. The point is (I think) that he's bagsyed all the tasks he likes doing and left her with the shit ones

I must be one of the lucky ones then! My DH does whatever needs doing! Washing up, vaccing, emptying all the bins in the house, cleans and maintains the car, packs the shopping... If I see stuff that needs doing I'll do it obviously, but I don't feel like I'm getting rough deal, if it's not done then either of us pick it up. You've got a mouth in your face, tell him you'd like to cook every now and then?! You want him to empty the dishwasher, but he doesn't do it properly... You don't mind him cooking but he takes too long and uses to many items...
The issue is, it sounds to me, like your standards are higher than his! Nothing misogynistic about it!

Oh that's all right then... 🙄

We used to have an unwritten rule that if one person cooked, the other would wash up. I got fed up with that pretty quickly - DH used to make a lot more mess than I did (I would clean as I went). Now whoever cooks is responsible for the whole job of washing up and cleaning afterwards- works a lot better.

I still clean as I go and prefer to sit down knowing it’s mostly done, while DH has to do it all after the meal - but that’s his choice.

the only exception to this is Christmas Day as he cooks so I do the washing up.

@DoneWithCleaning list all the jobs. Identify who likes or dislikes each. Find out if any on his dislike are on your like list and vice versa - you can just swap those. Those you both dislike - conversation goes like ‘since neither of us likes these, we should take turns’. In our house, it just happens that he loves gardening and I don’t. But I love fixing stuff (eg bleeding radiators, changing fuses, minor plumbing jobs). We both cook, him more than I, but we do it if the other doesn’t feel like it. We take turns with bins. I do more bills admin, neither of us irons much 😂. But we will both do each other’s before a smart event. Pretty good division overall.