Bitten at nursery

[Greybutterfly]

YANBU - speak to management
YABU - Do nothing and monitor

A couple of weeks DD 2.5 received a bad bite to her face. Full teeth marks were visible for nearly a week and her face bruised. We were told it happened in a split second, unprovoked, other child's parents were aware and they were working with them etc. That night DD had night terrors and said she was scared.

Yesterday she was bitten again on the hand. Not as badly. DD has told us it is the same child - her best friend. Again night terrors last night.

Not sure how to react. I appreciate they are little and frustrated and these things are common but unsure whether I should be requesting a meeting with management as I think she is being targeted. They have said they would be willing to stop them interacting going forwards but I feel thats punishing my DD. We are very happy with the nursery accept for this so do not want to have to move her.

Anyone work in a nursery or been in a similar situation? Should we be pushing for more to be done to prevent further incidents

They have said they would be willing to stop them interacting going forwards but I feel thats punishing my DD.

huh? Your DD will surely be quite relieved and that’s if she even notices!!

Biting is common, mind did it a couple of times … and was also bitten. Nursery shouod have a protocol in place to deal with it.

There will be some trigger, that the nursery staff will try to stop (often to do with sharing)

Ex nursery manager here. Yes speak to management. They should have a procedure in place. Staff member should shadow biting child or something similar. Biting is quite common. Don't really like the word "targetting" for such a young bunch. They are still learning.

If the biting child is your DD best friend, that likely explains why she’s been “targeted” as you put it, because they’ll be together a lot. My DS went through a phase of biting to show emotion - happy, excited as well as sad and upset etc. even bit himself when he was frustrated. It rarely happened at nursery and mainly me and DH were the targets, but I did make nursery aware just incase. I think he bit a child once and from memory it’s because they threw a toy car at his head and he retaliated, so he came home with a bruise and they a bite.

If your nursery have offered to keep them separate and the child’s parents are working on the biting - presumably they’ll have spoken to nursery as well as if it was my child biting often I’d want a plan of action in place with nursery on how to stop it. As pp have said, biting happens unfortunately but still not easier for your DD. I’d definitely speak to manager but keeping them separate may be what is suggested.

By all means speak to the nursery to put your mind at rest, but I'm not sure what you actually want them to do?

They can separate the children, but you don't want that. They can speak to the other child's parents and work with this child, which they're already doing.

Do you want the other child muzzled?

If you're going to go in and speak to them, have it clear in your head what you want them to do, what would put your mind at rest.

Biting is extremely common at this age. From experience it's a response to emotion a child doesn't know how to deal with.
Although the first instance was quite bad, I'd say two instances isn't indicative of a problem. We have had about 4 instances over the last year (most from the same child - someone my DD plays with alot). I'd say as long as nursery are being proactive and implementing extra measures to make sure the child doesn't bite (shadowing, extra supervision, intervening earlier than normal etc) then see how it goes. I'd start to have an issue if it was becoming a weekly or bi weekly thing.
We've been the biter and the bitten so I get it from both sides.

Would they be allowed to discuss the protocols with me if they relate to another child. I only say targeting as she seems to be the only child that he is biting. I have asked if she is doing anything to upset or antagonise the situation but it appears they can be playing together nicely and then for no reason will just bite her.

There was 2-3 bites about 6 months when they were in the same class. They were then separated for a few months and now it has started up again. I probably should have put that in .. sorry. How did you handle it when it became more frequent.

The first incident was 2 weeks ago. Perhaps they did shadow for a few days, but I don't know where you worked where there was enough staff to shadow (1:1) constantly on an indefinite basis.

OP, as long as they let you know, and the terror was just one night, and you don't want to move her, I would let it go. They can't possibly monitor this other child constantly. That said they would try to separate them, that's the best they can do, I think. You can go for that option if you're worried she's being targeted but I'd say 2 weeks is a very long time in a 2 year olds life. 3 x in a week would be different.

This is what i am trying to work out. What exactly can the nursery do to stop her getting hurt. Is it just something we have to put up with until the other boy grows out of it. Is it reasonable to expect shadowing when we know the demands already on nurseries?
I am not 100% against separating if they cannot put in other things to prevent it happening again. Just not sure how much we can expect them to do in the situation.

Thank you. I assumed the staffing challenges would make the supervision impossible. Is there anything else we can be asking them to do?
I think separating them is the way forward.
Thats a good point about it being a long time. It’s hard as she has always loved nursery but now is less happy going in.

I work in a nursery. In my current room , 1.5 to 2.5years, we have one child who can sometimes bite. It's really hard to know when they're about to do it. Occasionally they get upset/ scream beforehand and we can leap in however most of the time there's no emotion, no fighting and they just bite. Obviously we can't have one to one. We have worked out sometimes it's due to sharing or they just want the toy that the other child is holding.
Definitely keep the lines of communication open, speak to the room leader/ your child's key person and ask what they are doing.

I left nursery to deal with it to be honest. As long as I was advised when it happened. I have a very good relationship with my nursery though so trusted them to deal with it. The incidents never had any consistency so it was very hard. It was random the biting - wanting a toy my DD had, my DD walked past the other child, my DD sitting where this child wanted to be were some examples. Once it happened when they were happily playing and laughing together so like a happy bite - very odd. It eventually stopped.....when my DD bit and pushed the child back (not the best action but it worked).
I think if it had carried on I would have requested they be separated for a period of time. Our nursery are in no position to offer 1:1 supervision for the biter so the simplest solution would be to separate.

I've been on the other end with my DS too. He was the bitter. But only ever his key worker. I know there is absolutely nothing the parents can do in most cases. My child was at nursery full time and incidents only ever happen at nursery. I expected nursery to discipline him how they saw fit depending on the situation.

I get that it’s your child but your language is a little sensational. Did your child have night terrors or nightmares? The 2 year old kid isn’t maliciously targeting your child - they are just biting and your kids play together. Yeah this happened to my kid too. Speak to the nursery.

It's a tricky situation for everyone, including the nursery staff.

I would be asking if they've gone back over the incident/injury reports and looked for patterns, or if they are keeping more detailed notes on the incidents now. I'm thinking of things like tending to bite near the end of the day or shortly before nap, when he's tired. Or maybe he struggles with sharing certain toys, or maybe lively, energetic play gets him a bit wound up and then he's more likely to bite. If they can figure out a pattern, then they can target support (or separating the children) at those high risk times. They can tell you they're going through the process, even if they can't give you all the details because it's about another child.

If they can't spot a pattern and it is predominantly your child he's biting, then yes, I think I'd be asking if they could be separated.

My eldest was frequently bitten by the same child.

My youngest was a biter.

Honestly you just have to accept it - so long as the nursery take it seriously (which I was assured mine were) it’s a normal developmental stage for some children. My nursery used to thank me for not being an A hole about it when my child was bitten.

What exactly can the nursery do to stop her getting hurt.

The nursery’s very sensible solution to limit interaction between the two of them…. has been dismissed by you as “punishing” your 2 year old

The main thing is not to transfer any of your anxiety onto her. Being bitten is not nice but to a 2yo it's probably not much different in pain levels to being hit by a toy thrown by a child (accidentally) or even hit deliberately. Both of these kind of incidents (fairly frequent!), you as a parent may not react as strongly to. I've seen kids get some nasty bumps and cuts (usually at home and we see the resulting injury!) which they cope with as it's part of being a kid. It's just as an adult we have such a strong reaction to biting. So I would check your own reaction isn't feeding her insecurities. Any conversations souls happen out of her earshot.

Secondly, I would ask staff to separate the children as much as possible. It will be difficult if she gravitates to the other child a lot, easier if it's all one sided.

They should be able to talk to you about policies and procedures and protocols. They won't let you know which child (although your child has told you).
Because they play together a lot there is a higher probability your child is on the receiving end.
We always had enough staff to implement shadowing, even if it meant management would be in the classrooms covering.
A PP said that your daughters nursery may have shadowed for a few days, but your post doesn't indicate this. The nursery said they would separate them, which is very different. Let's say they did shadow and the biting didnt occur after a week, so they ceased shadowing. Fair enough, but it has happened again, so I would grant them grace for the first time, but I would ask what they intend on doing in order to keep the children separate if that's the best they can do.