I could do with some advice.

[UnknownLad94]

Hi everyone,

I'm a 25 year old guy i have a very difficult relationship with my family i really need some other prospectives on it.

I'm the youngest by 30 years i live alone in my own home, work and keep myself to myself.

I used to be very close to my sister in my youth, however since i moved down south to complete my degree and since returned she has blanked me.

She accused me of abandoning my elderly parents, i have explained the reasoning for my leaving and apologised numerous times.

She doesn't acknowledge me, my existence and simply slags me off to everyone who listens.

My mother sides with her, and listens to all her rubbish, calls me names etc.

My mum has always pitted one child against each other, and both her and my father have gossiped about each child (i am 1 of 5) which has caused massive friction.

They've poisoned everyone against me, my father passed away some months ago and due to a surgery schedule conflict (I had bowel cancer surgery the day before my dad's funeral)

I wasn't able to attend, I told my mum in advance of this, she has since said she was deeply hurt by this, and my sister called me every name under the sun.

My mum hasn't been right with me since, i feel totally unwelcome and when i visited when my sister was there she is insulting to me.

My mum doesn't defend me she just doesn't get how hurtful it is.

I have a great relationship with my half sister and extended family.

I have arranged to drop off Christmas and birthday presents for my mum, but she has rejected them saying she feels a "Hypocrite" taking them.

When i asked her why she couldn't explain.

I feel totally alone at times, can anyone help me manoeuvre this period in my life.

It's very hurtful I do understand as have a challenging relationship with my family at times.

I choose to take a big step back, very limited contact for a while and did things on my terms - where we met etc. gradually built up to a point where I am happier seeing them and can maintain a relationship without it upsetting me too much.

But it has taken time, tears and acceptance that it isn't how it could be.

Be kind to yourself, focus on you and your friends and plans, if you are happier, your family will be less difficult to navigate.

Thank you so much for your reply,

It just hurts because i have been blamed for practically everything since birth.

It's not your fault. They're projecting their own feelings and problems on to you. It's not fair at all. And you were having bowel cancer surgery?? Goodness, they should have delayed the funeral to be there for you, that's how I would prioritize this.

Indeed i was having surgery at 08:30 the Thursday and they had the funeral the following day on the Friday :(

Sometimes families are toxic. Yours sounds it. You are the scapegoat and your sister sounds jealous of you as the 'baby' of the family. You don't need to apologise for going to do a degree - she's a lunatic to think you should have stayed at home with 'elderly' parents instead.

I would take a massive step back from them and stay out of contact. They know where you are if they want anything, but I would simply accept that they are not nice people and avoid them if possible. Just because they are family you don't have to be treated badly.

I make neutral conversation with my (difficult) parents - mostly about the weather, or the news. Whenever they are dismissive or unpleasant to me I say, 'Ok, well I'd better be going now' and I leave. I'm not going to stay where someone is being nasty.

What stood out to me is that you had bowel cancer surgery at your age? Is that correct? That is so rare and unfortunate x

Thanks for all the comments so far, i feel very torn because i love my mum but they treat me shockingly and have done all my life.

Does anyone have an inclination as to why my mum who is VERY materialistic has declined her birthday and Christmas presents?

She said she would feel a Hypocrite taking them.

Yes indeed my Gastroenterologist said it's becoming more common in younger people this day and age.

I think you'll need to plainly ask your mum that question again, giving her plenty of space and opportunity to answer and without adding anything else to the conversation. She may not answer again, which is an answer in of itself. There is no good, rational reason. What do you think is the reason?

I think the reason is she feels guilty for slating me all these years, and she will have to tell people that they're from me and people might realise i am not what i am painted to be.

I'm afraid in your situation, if you were made to feel bad about missing your father's funeral, due to being in hospital for something as important as bowel cancer, I would be giving the lot of them short shrift! It sounds like you've had a pretty shit life one way and another, and I wouldn't give them another second's thought. Now, I know that that is far easier to say, than do, as after all, your Mum is your Mum, but sadly not all women are cut out for that particular job, and expecting you to look after your parents in their old age, is an absolute bloody cheek, if your sister cares so much about your Mum, let her look after her! Just so you're aware, I'm in my 60's and suffer from ill health, but certainly don't expect my kids to look after me as I get older. If you get on so well with your half sister and extended family, in your shoes, I'd be spending time with them as and when you feel you need family around you, and would distance myself from the others, as they really don't deserve you. At 25 if you're living alone in your own place, you're obviously doing well for yourself, so don't let family drag you down, get on and enjoy your life without them. Good luck to you OP.

It's all games for your dm, if she takes the gifts it's more difficult to slag you off, by rejecting them, she can tell the family you didn't buy her anything.

You really can't win with these types of people.

Just because she's your Mum and your sister a sibling, doesn't automatically make them nice or good people. Take a step back and if they come to you, if it's drama related don't get involved. People who know you, will know it's not you.

It is a sad situation to be in when family is like this but then sometimes we just need to remove ourselves. I’d personally go low contact and just focus on the family you do have good relationships with, they are the ones that care so give them your efforts.

Thanks for all your comments i will go low contact and try to park my feelings about my mum.