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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Exams, how to manage high expectations.

4 replies

Makeyourownstory · 13/11/2024 07:21

I’m looking for some guidance from others who have been in a similar situation. My child is sitting her National 5’s this year, she is bright, academic and puts in a great amount if effort with studying.
The issue is she has extremely high expectations of herself, she is looking to achieve no less than A’s across all subjects. She came in last night upset as she got a B in an English test. I told her this was great. However she didn’t agree and told me she can’t do the exams. I feel this pressure will impact on her grades.
I don’t know how to navigate this, I feel it would be easier if she was failing and we could get a tutor or help her organise her study etc. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
NewDogOwner · 13/11/2024 08:48

Tell her it is always better to get a lower grade in class tests and mocks as it helps show where the weaker areas are so she can target her revision. There is nothing worse than top marks all year are pupils get complacent. I don't envy your situation; pupils like this can end up giving up completely as they can't cope with any set backs. Some kids have spent their whole school lives being told they are good students so now this is being tested for real, they can panic that their whole sense of identity may crumble.

maudmadrigal · 13/11/2024 09:01

No great advice from me, but just coming on to let you know you're not alone and I think this is a surprisingly common problem.
My kids and their close friends are mostly a high achieving bunch and include a couple of anxious perfectionists. I think the advice above about finding out what you can work on from your mocks is very sensible. DD and her best friend got all 9s in their mocks and it really piled on the pressure. (One got all 9s in the real thing too, one dropped a grade and was disappointed - though they have bounced back since!) My current GCSE-year DD is facing the pressure of following in the older one's footsteps, and her own extremely high expectations. I was quite relieved when she didn't achieve perfect mocks, though she didn't see it that way.
I think it's important to acknowledge and praise effort, and to encourage a sense of perspective, taking breaks, enjoying life etc etc. I also think it is important to acknowledge and allow space for how very bright kids feel about their results. A B is a really good grade across the whole cohort, but won't feel like it if she's normally working at and expecting an A. So let her have those feelings, but try to keep a sense of perspective too. It's not easy!!

Makeyourownstory · 13/11/2024 18:58

NewDogOwner · 13/11/2024 08:48

Tell her it is always better to get a lower grade in class tests and mocks as it helps show where the weaker areas are so she can target her revision. There is nothing worse than top marks all year are pupils get complacent. I don't envy your situation; pupils like this can end up giving up completely as they can't cope with any set backs. Some kids have spent their whole school lives being told they are good students so now this is being tested for real, they can panic that their whole sense of identity may crumble.

You have hit the nail on the head with your response. It is her sense of identity. I tried to speak to her as you suggested about the tests and prelims allowing her to see what areas to concentrate on but she wasn’t for listening today. I know that’s just the anxiety as she is normally very open to talk and accepting of my opinions. I think we are in for a bumpy ride 😬

OP posts:
Makeyourownstory · 13/11/2024 19:05

maudmadrigal · 13/11/2024 09:01

No great advice from me, but just coming on to let you know you're not alone and I think this is a surprisingly common problem.
My kids and their close friends are mostly a high achieving bunch and include a couple of anxious perfectionists. I think the advice above about finding out what you can work on from your mocks is very sensible. DD and her best friend got all 9s in their mocks and it really piled on the pressure. (One got all 9s in the real thing too, one dropped a grade and was disappointed - though they have bounced back since!) My current GCSE-year DD is facing the pressure of following in the older one's footsteps, and her own extremely high expectations. I was quite relieved when she didn't achieve perfect mocks, though she didn't see it that way.
I think it's important to acknowledge and praise effort, and to encourage a sense of perspective, taking breaks, enjoying life etc etc. I also think it is important to acknowledge and allow space for how very bright kids feel about their results. A B is a really good grade across the whole cohort, but won't feel like it if she's normally working at and expecting an A. So let her have those feelings, but try to keep a sense of perspective too. It's not easy!!

My daughter is the same with her friends, they are all high achievers and although she says she doesn’t care about what others achieve, I’m not sure that she is being 100 percent truthful with herself.
Anxious perfectionist is exactly how I would describe her when it comes to schoolwork. Her teachers have also commented on it. I find it hard as I was happy just to pass exams but need to understand that isn’t want she wants for herself.
Thank you for sharing your experience and advice.

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