Trying to find part time work!

[Freddo993]

I will start by saying that I am autistic and tend to overthink/build things up in my head but I need to get a handle on things and don't have anyone I can talk to in real life.

Currently on maternity leave, not able to return to previous job due to flexible working being turned down and i can't afford childcare for working full time. I'm not due to finish mat leave until next summer but I'm already freaking out about finding a new job.

I was earning a decent salary before and can't afford to earn less (I know part time will be less but I need to be earning the same if not more pro rata). I've been looking on indeed and there is not a single part time job paying enough advertised in my city just now which I am qualified for. All advertised are for nurses/doctors/vets. I have a business degree and have mainly worked in recruitment up to now.

I was hoping to go back 3 days per week with my parents looking after my children 2 days as this has been the arrangement since my eldest was born. My parents also look after my sisters children the same days. My sister has now said that it's only fair that my parents reduce their childcare to one day a week. This suits my sister as her children are now entitled to funded hours and her MIL lives locally and can take her children one day a week. My sister therefore will have 4 days free childcare a week. I have no additional family able to help and my children won't start being entitled to funded hours until 2026 (we're in Scotland). I would have 1 day of free childcare per week.
If my parents did 1 day of childcare a week and I had to pay for 2 days it would cost me £1200 a month which means I wouldn't earn enough for working to be financially viable. My sister is already trying to guilt trip me about my parents and doesn't care how it would affect me personally (we don't get on at the best of times, me being autistic "ruined her childhood " apparently and she is extremely self centred)

My husband keeps saying "you shouldn't go back to work" and "why don't you want to be home all the time, wouldn't that be nice?" This is infuriating me. The thought of being entirely dependent on my husband scares me. We've had a rough year and temporarily separated for a few weeks, he sorted himself out and is now on antidepressants which is great but I'm still nervous about things returning to how they were. My husband could support us just about but could not pay into a pension for me and wouldn't give me an allowance, I'd be expected to ask for money each time I wanted to pay for something so I couldn't save up either.
My in-laws are divorced and my MIL stopped working when she had kids. 15 years later FIL left and MIL has been struggling ever since. She's now in her 60s and still working despite poor health because she has no pension. I do not want this to happen to me.
I also feel like staying at home is a waste of me going to uni and building a career. I need social interaction with people who aren't toddlers of parents of toddlers where are all we talk about are the kids. I need to be mentally challenged and be more than just Mum all the time.

So yeah, I feel very overwhelmed and stressed. Am I building everything up in my head? Am I being daft to turn down the opportunity to be a SAHM? Am I selfish for wanting to go back to work? Am I selfish for needing my parents to help with childcare? How on earth do you find part time roles that aren't minimum wage?

Help!

I assumed you were a single parent because it sounds like you'd be paying for childcare yourself. I don't understand why your husband wouldn't be contributing.

Is he trying to control you do you think?

You're quite right to want to go back to work and it sounds like relying on your husband would be a very bad idea.

When you do go back make sure you work out the finances properly and contribute according to how much you both earn. Also you're only focusing on you making changes and sacrifices.

Surely your husband also agreed to have children, therefore why can't he work flexible hours or condense his hours or work part time from home to pull his weight?

Wrong thread - deleted

It sounds good that at least you have the option to be a SAHM. Takes the pressure off finding something immediately.

I would say just keep looking, the job market could change quite a bit by next summer. Maybe expand your search to other sectors?

Is your husband contributing to childcare costs as well?

There is so much to unpack here..
Why is your husband not contributing to childcare? It's his kids too
Why does your sister dictate how much childcare your parents do. What do they think?
Why are you saying you can't afford to earn less if your husband thinks you can afford not to work at all?

I think you need to have the conversation with your parents NOT your sister regarding how much childcare they are willing to provide. Frankly it is none of her business so if they are happy tell her to butt out.

Work wise just keep a look out for part time roles and hopefully something will come up. You have plenty of time before the summer.

1200 for 2 days a week nursery sounds a lot. I'm in one of the most expensive parts of the south east and before funding I was paying 1000 for 3 days. Are you sure you've done your sums correctly? That's £120+ a day!

Could you work 4 days a week? A lot of companies advertising full time jobs would be open to 4 days or condensed hours. I managed to negotiate when I started a new job recently.

Either way, childcare costs aren't just your responsibility. Sounds like it would be very risky to leave employment entirely.

Speak to your parents ask if they will be willing to continue two days childcare until 2026 when your children get funding. Ignore your sister. Continue looking for part time hours .

Did you work full time before? Who had kids?

If you have a kid in childcare then obviously it was going to be more expensive to have two in childcare, this is hardly surprising! It has been the number one topic of conversation for all mums for about twenty years!

Since you decided to have (or have accidentally had) two kids needing paid childcare at the same time, you have to accept that staying in work may cause you to make a small loss for a while. Many mums accept that is the price of staying on their career ladder.

Could you switch to a cheaper childminder?

Could you tap your professional network and ask Recruitment agencies you know if you could work freelance, or if they’d trial you on a fixed term contract for a flexible 25 hours per week?

Yes I think it is unreasonable to expect your parents to stump up two whole days of free childcare for your two children. More children=more work. You can’t just assume they will do it. But I am unclear why your dsis is negotiating for them. Have you spoken directly to your parents?

I totally agree that staying in some kind of paid employment is a good idea. I also would not want to leave myself as a sahm in case of marital failure - it’s a nightmare if you have been stuck at home for years, you’ll be right at the bottom of the pay scale when you return and will have lost your professional network.

Sorry I misread your post and thought you only had one child.

The rest of my points still stand though.

Asking your parents to have 2 kids for 2 days a week is a big ask. I wouldn't ask it of my parents. We're going to have 10 months overlap with 2 kids in childcare where I'll basically be working for nothing, but for me it's worth it for the long term benefits of keeping my job.

My husband does contribute to childcare costs but if my entire wage is the same as our childcare costs then I need to think is it worth me working just to pay for someone else to look after my kids when financially we'd be in the same position if I didn't have a job. The only difference would be that I'd be paying into a pension.

I do need to talk to my parents, my sister talks like she's made a decision and we all need to go with it (she's frequently like this) but she doesn't consider other people and how they might feel. When she's done similar in the past (when our grandmother died she went round her house labelling the things she wanted without speaking to anyone else in the family) and I've called her up on it I've been called selfish and told I have no empathy for anyone.

A childminder would be a lot cheaper but they are like hens teeth around here, especially for 2 kids.

"but if my entire wage is the same as our childcare costs then I need to think is it worth me working just to pay for someone else to look after my kids when financially we'd be in the same position if I didn't have a job."

Completely understand, and that's only a decision you can make. Finances aside, do you want to be a SAHM? Do you think you'd enjoy it?

Contributing to your pension is reason enough to continue working, especially given what you said about your MIL earlier. Not to mention that keeping up with your career has benefits in itself. Your kids won't need childcare for long and you would need to eventually go back to working. It will be much more difficult to do after 5 years of being SAHP.

“but if my entire wage is the same as our childcare costs then I need to think is it worth me working just to pay for someone else to look after my kids when financially we'd be in the same position if I didn't have a job. The only difference would be that I'd be paying into a pension.”

OP this is such faulty logic! You said yourself in that pension is NOT the only difference. The other differences are

• that you maintain and progress in your career and salary level
• that you maintain your network (this is important if you work in recruitment?)
• Conversely if you sit at home for a few years, your skills will become outdated (AI is affecting all jobs, don’t underestimate how yours may change in your absence).

• that you are not wholly dependent on your dh - in a few years’ time once you have funding for childcare you will be not be “working for nothing” any more

I know it sounds harsh, but I PLANNED the timing of having my kids so that I was not stung with unfounded childcare (I am from the times when childcare was not funded until age 3 too, and I knew I could not afford two kids in childcare simultaneously - in fact I was working for almost nothing just with one child.)

You have put yourself in a position where you will be working for nothing except pension for a few years. This is entirely normal for a vast number of working mums. It feels horrible but that is simply how it is.

If you had had your kids over a longer a period of time, you wouldn’t be in this situation.

You had two kids close together, so this is how it is.