To just think I’ll be single forever?

[Anonymousess]

I’m in my 20s and have been single throughout them. I’m not even in the talking stage with any men right now.

I used to get attention/interest but I wasn’t really interested. Initially I focused on university/my career. I then started a stressful job where I mainly worked from home. My manager in that job sexually harassed me and retaliated against me when I complained about him, so I wasn’t really interested in dating. In fact I wasn’t really socialising much during that time, was completely drained from work.

I feel ready to date now but just feel it’s hopeless. I don’t use social media much, I try and avoid it in case people like creepy ex-manager are monitoring me. I don’t feel comfortable using dating apps - can’t shake the feeling that the men on there might be dodgy.

I do go out with my friends and meet people through them, but I haven’t really connected with anyone. I think I have some good things going for me, but I’m also 5ft which makes me undesirable as people always mention my height(?) I feel like everyone I know is settling down, whereas I haven’t really got much dating experience and part of me is afraid of being hurt. Aibu to just think it won’t happen for me and I’ll be single forever?

i mean this kindly but you are in your 20s of course you won’t be single forever

Of course you won't be single forever, but if you're not comfortable using dating apps you need to find other ways of meeting people. I suggest you consider changing jobs to one that is more hybrid? - say 3 days in the office - and chose the companies you apply to carefully to make sure they have people of your own age
Also, is there a gym or club you could join where you can meet people.

I feel like this OP. I’m in my 30s now. Had a couple of relationships that haven’t worked out and I honestly feel like I won’t ever meet anyone again. Although I’m kind of disappointed that I’ll probably not meet anyone that I want to be with as it’s not how I pictured life (it’s more a disappointment that the choice is so abysmal) I would much rather be alone than with a shitty man.

I’ve tried the apps on and off over the years and they are utterly dire so I don’t think you’re missing out there 😂 I’m happy enough in my own company though, and I just cannot be arsed to waste time getting to know someone and invest emotionally when people have become so disposable now I think and it’s much harder to seriously date. So I suppose it’s like a catch 22 situation really.

Don’t give up just yet though, you’re still young with so much time. I think you have to learn to be happy alone and work on accepting all eventualities. If you get into too much of a rush, you will ignore red flags etc and end up miserable wishing you were still single as so many do.

You might be
But chances are you will meet someone ,I spent most of my 20,s single bar the odd fling and short term relationships, and I met my dh when I was 31 .

I hope so! I feel a lot older than I am, feel like time is flying by

Oh yes, I have already left my horrible previous employer. Ended up getting a settlement agreement due to their actions!

Interesting advice about finding companies with people of a similar age, that would be a dream! People tend to be older than me in my field.

Yes, I go to the gym. There’s a few meet up groups but they’re mainly for women.

Thank you so much! I feel really similar to you, I think part of it is that I’m afraid of getting hurt so I don’t even bother to begin with. How did you find the apps? I think I’d be afraid the guys on there would be scary!

I wouldn't want to meet someone online dating either. It all sounds awful.

I do think the chances of being someone randomly that you will actually like when out with friends is pretty low once you're older.

So your options are friend of friends, people at work and people you meet through your hobbies. I'd go with hobbies, you'll have something in common and it can be a slow burn starting as acquaintances then becoming friends. And it'll keep you busy whilst you wait.

I met my DH at the end of our 20s, lots of my firends didn't meet people until they were mid thirties. Quite a few were introduced by mutual friends, or through work. I agree with the idea of getting a more hybrid job if you can, not to meet your future at work but because there will be times you can go to the bar with them after and meet their friends!

I find the apps are full of people who just want sex or a penpal situation. A lot of them never want to meet up because they’re scared of what you’ll think of them, don’t want to get attached, already married etc and wanting an ego boost to be honest.

Then there’s the ones who are very clingy/needy and desperate and you can tell a mile off. They talk about their crazy ex or say weird things that are massive red flags. The ones who do meet up it never seems to get past one or two dates as they are scared of being vulnerable or settling in case there is someone better on the apps ready and waiting. It’s the illusion of choice and it’s a shit show, frankly. There are countless threads on here that say the same sort of things.

I had one long term relationship from an app years ago but they’ve definitely got worse more recently so I came off over a year ago and have just decided not to bother. I suppose it definitely works for some though so if you do get the courage, maybe try but keep your wits about you, be ready to drop a lot of people quite quickly!

The trouble is apps are so commonly used now that a lot of people you meet in real life are on them as well. I think it’s a case of sheer dumb luck these days. Keep your boundaries strong and you should meet someone eventually.

Personally, I honestly feel that the best relationships stem from friendships that blossom. When you’re not actively looking, there’s no pressure and you’re not trying to force a connection, you get to know the person for simply who they are over time, warts and all. If you fall in love then you know it’s genuine. I think when you actively date, everyone puts on their best behaviour and charm, then when you’re in too deep and comfortable they can change and you don’t always notice until it’s too late. I think you should probably join clubs and socialise with a view to meeting new people and see what happens 😄

You are still SO young OP so don’t give up ❤️
I don’t think men would be put off by your height either so don’t worry about that. It’s different being a short man but a short woman is fine.
FWIW I didn’t meet my partner until I was mid thirties and we’ve been together for over 20 years now so you’ve plenty of time.
Good luck xx

You won’t be single forever if you don’t want to be :-) Put yourself out there and sooner or later Mr Right will come along.

How do you feel about having children? If you’re not too fussed or would be open to adopting, you have literally the rest of your life to find him!

I’m 39 and as I don’t want to have children am in no rush to find a partner. Sex isn’t high on my list and I have a feeling he won’t show up for me until my later years and it’ll be a companionship sort of love. I’m happy with that idea and to be honest am very relieved not to be having the absorbing and complicated relationships and breakups that my friends experience. And on some days Mumsnet is enough to put anyone off relationships and children!

The problem isn't lack of opportunity, the problem is your fear and poor self-confidence (just because someone mentions your height doesn't make you undesirable!!). I would start with exploring these feelings in therapy and work with a professional that helps you overcome your fears.