My Husband of 13 years and I have always had a bickering relationship, finance issues, job etc the usual. After the suprise of our 3rd Child, I became incredibly overwhelmed and often worried if we'd manage. My husband always said we'll be fine. We are.
However more so than ever I feel we argue more than ever. The smallest slightest thing often is enough for us to fall out, argue, loudly.... we don't listen to each other we just have to say our bit.
I feel my upset, and frustration comes from the breakdown of our lack of intimacy and zero time together. Around 6/7 months pregnant it was confirmed that sex (on his part wasn't comfortable) it wasn't like this previously in our other pregnancy, it left a very hormonal me upset and self conscious, especially after baby was born. But I tried to understand him. She's now nearly 4. Sex now happens (I feel) if we are at the point of just needing it, 3/4 months can pass at a time. It's not frequent and often can feel like we're just going through the motions. It's all become awkward. My husband blames the condoms (he thinks the current ones he has irritate him after) and the fumbling around for them, I agree it's not the best, but I really don't want to go back to the pill in my 40s. We struggle to compromise.
I pick and mutter, nag and often feel moody and disconnected to him, I will be irritated when I get home by shoes thrown about the house wondering why he can't ask our older kids to help, or dinner not thought about or started, things I know would normally irritate me when there's harmony amongst us. The response I get is im controlling barking orders, bring home milk, pick up this, help clean up this. But when you have a husband that isn't able to naturally take the lead and think "oh she's bathing our child, I could pick up these toys so when she comes down it's tidy we can have a cuppa together" it's hard not being a naggy wife.
When we argue I'm so upset and stressed, I miss our time together I'm desperate to be more than flat mates. But over time shouting and expressing my fears and thoughts all I've had in return is "you're the one upset causing arguments, I'm happy, you're the one with the problem." And the classic, in order for me to do nice things for you, you need to be nice to me.
It's a vicious circle. Lately I just explode over little irritable things. I'm exhausted and done. In arguments I'm all nose and upset, at worse I'll say things like you don't give me attention, you don't care, you don't think about me. I have to nag because you can't think........ there's more to being married and we're not getting the full package!
He will call me a gaslighter and narcissist, he'll say after he's just angry and apologises. But I say to him if you feel that way why would you want to share a bed with a narcissist? Is this how he really feel about me? Have you given up?
The idea that he thinks this way about me makes me terribly sad, it's become hard for me (now) to become close to him. The trust has gone. I'll never really know how he feels about me.
I am a bossy mere, always have been, but my approach is usually to benefit my kids or us as a family. If imm in work i'll msg "Please don't give them sandwiches (again) tonight they have football" .... it's usually because I find he doesn't try or really think for himself. He needs little pushes, has done since I met him. And I think his Mum would agree!
He's a brilliant dad and works very hard, but once he's home, the tv is on phone in hand, he lives every day exactly the same. And I'm just bored. Once the kids are in bed that's our job done for the day.
When I asked him does he miss us he chuckled and said that what showers are for 🙄 ..... and said yes course i do.
But I don't feel its in the same way as I do. He never tells me, I never see him fed up wanting us to make time, wondering why I'm in bed before 9.30pm.
I'm always the one trying to arrange time off together when kids are in school, I'm not a tv person... we're just not gelling. I take the kids to bed and very rarely come back downstairs he'll happily come to bed at silly o'clock after binge watching TV. It kills me, but doesn't seem to effect him. Now he's taken notice of my silence and again stressing it's me that's grumpy, that I need to go back to the doctors for my anxiety pills.
When I told him I was lonely (in my marriage) he told me that maybe i need to get a hobby.
How do I/we stop this viscous circle?
I really feel that my grumpy nagging is down to being unfulfilled and broken. I have now turned all my attention and focus on my kids, being a Mum. I've invested all my energy into then, aside from my work and social life. So yes I make suggestions on what they can eat if I'm not home, as ive bought the food and know what's there's, in hope they're not just fed sandwiches/easy option.
Or if we're in need if a family day out I'll get everyone out of bed. There's no go in him.
He often calls that being relaxed, laid back.
"They wanted sandwiches again"