To be worried for my daughter?

[BigSmallFigBall]

My ex is C Suite level in his job but seems to get fired every year or two.

Last time this happened (Christmas time last year), he was unemployed for several months. He was very mean and angry to my daughter and ended up assaulting her a few times. At the same time, he kept pushing me to send her to him more. (He says he wants her 50/50 but I know this is all to eliminate CMS obligations for the times when he is employed.)

He ended up landing on his feet with another fancy job that he boasted about endlessly.

He has now lost this new job after only a few months.

He is apparently taking advantage of this to go on a long holiday and won't see our daughter for a month during which she will be safe - but I know that the anger and cruelty will get worse again if he has another long period of unemployment.

I am super worried. What can I do? I have spoken to my DD's therapist and I was considering also discussing with her teacher but I am afraid this will be used against me somehow.

Any advice appreciated.

How old is your daughter?
what happened when he assaulted her last time ? Police? Social workers ?

Gosh he sounds awful. So sorry

She is 8.

Social workers seemingly didn't believe my daughter and I got told off for apparently not handling the allegations well. I am currently being forced to take parenting classes and I was told to encourage my daughter's relationship with her father.

The police just deferred to social workers.

Odd. Did they give reasons as to why they concluded this?

Having researched this a lot, I do not think it is odd as social workers don't get good training in abuse.

My ex denied the allegations and said that I have maliciously turned my daughter against him.

They questioned my daughter about what happened (he strangled her) and then they asked her if she protested and made her demonstrate how she had fought back. When my daughter(who was terrified of the social workers) weakly demonstrated saying "no," they did not believe that she was forceful enough. They seemed to take this as proof that she was lying.

You need to report social services for doing a shitty job, go back to the police and under no circumstances should you send an 8 year old girl to a man who has strangled her!

I work closely alongside social workers and I'm not sure I'd agree that they don't get good training in abuse... however some could be taken in by particularly charismatic and clever perpetrators if they know how to present themselves well enough.

I would be lodging a written complaint and seeking specialist legal advice around contact. I'd be requesting supervised contact and exploring whether or not your dd could be deemed gillick competent and make her own decision to see her dad. I'd also be asking for support in writing from womens aid and her therapist and her teacher to back up your concerns about the impact contact may have on her wellbeing physically and emotionally. Perhaps they'd be willing to provide a supporting letter that commends your parenting and highlights their concerns or any issues they see that are relating to contact. If you stop contact with her dad id also look at any evidence that you can provide that you facilitate contact with any of her extended family who are safe so you can show you're not being unnessecarily obstructive and it is merely a question of safety.

My (very expensive City) solicitors were already very clear that there is no point in doing anything to fight back.

YABU for not having gone to the police about this at the time!

You need to do more OP. Report him to the police for assault. Lodge a complaint against the social workers. You can’t just send your 8 year old to an abuser

I did go to the police and they didn't want to get involved. The social workers said I should have just called the father and asked about the allegations

Do any of you have experience with this? No one cares. We are on our own.

Perhaps say to your daughter that if it happens again she should report it to a teacher at school, rather than to you. Then no one can accuse you of influencing her.

@birdling to be honest, I can't imagine putting my daughter and I through the wringer of Social Services again. It can only turn out badly for me given the favouritism shown towards rich, well-educated, and abusive fathers