Narcissistic mother smear campaign aided by her flying monkeys

[Thecampaign]

AIBU to be at my wits end with this????
what can I do ? I assume there’s no legal help available as I have no proof other that what I’ve been told verbally by people?

How can people be so bitter to spend so much time sabotaging someone else’s life?

In the last week I’ve had an old neighbour who I got on well with have a go at me when bumped into her at the shops. I’ve had a phone call off my aunt asking what on earth is going on why hadn’t I told anyone about my dd addiction issues (this has no truth to it at all!!) and I’ve had a false report made against me about fly tipping ??? I have no proof of that but who else would it be . It’s like I’m being punished for NC.

AIBU to see a solicitor is there any way to formally warn them off ? (Them being my mother and two sisters)

They want a reaction. Give them none.

You're going to have to react if it looks like you're gonna get in trouble legally, of course, but if you can possibly avoid reacting then do so.

Appear completely zen. You're unfazed. Not affecting your life at all.

You would not be unreasonable to see a solicitor, but I'd worry there's not much you could realistically do and they'd just be energised by the reaction.

I think from what I experienced in the past that no reaction makes them try harder till they get one ? So I don’t know what to do they don’t get bored. How do they even have all this free time and mind space to do this ??

Has your Aunt explicitly said this came from your family? Legal letter for slander?

Fly tipping - must be some offence for making false vexatious claims. Can you easily a) prove it wasn't you and b) prove there's a history of harassment? If not I'd start by documenting everything and establishing what you can report as a criminal or civil offence.

I would see a solicitor and also speak to the police and get it noted that this is happening. So if it all escalates, police will know you have reported things before? Don't expect they will do anything tbh but might help.

PS unless you have been explicitly told that it was your Mum and Sisters, just tell them you don't know for sure who's doing it??

Old neighbour launched a full verbal attack about how my mother had falls and I don’t care about her / don’t help (mother had told her I ignored her calls for help not true no calls and the falls are probably a lie/fake) how could I be so cruel etc etc and why is it down to neighbours to help . Aunt was shocked and worried said that she had seen my mother and sisters and they’d all been saying about my teenage dd having serious drug addiction?? This is completely and totally untrue I wondered if it was a way to explain why they never see her (their awful behaviour) but to make out I’m a bad parent ???
The fly tipping i obviously have no proof but I can’t think what else would have happened I said to the person who doorstepped me that I would never do that and it must be a malicious referral and unless there was something identifiable then why would they think it was anything to do with me

That's the thing with a narc, they HAVE to have a reaction, and they will push and push and push.

Absolute indifference will drive them insane.

However, if you do react, everyone sees your reaction and YOURE the unreasonable, "omg look at her, she's crazy, did you see, I'm the victim, how horrible...."

Absolute indifference. And when someone challenges you about something, "what do you mean? where did you hear that? Nonsense, do you actually hear what you're asking? Sounds ridiculous? Where did it come from? ah makes sense... I've dropped all contact because of their behaviour, as shown here...."

Let the indifference get back to them.

I’d avoid the solicitor route, it could get very expensive.
Annoying though it is, just ignore it, plus tbf, you don’t really know who it is 🙂

I’ve been unfortunate enough to be on the receiving end of a smear campaign. There is nothing you can do. The narcissist is so convincing and “skilled” at lying that even if you set the flying monkeys straight they won’t believe you. Narcissists seem to know how you will react and tell their flying monkeys beforehand, so when you do react the flying monkey thinks/says “she said you’d say that”. Or “narc is right, you are crazy”.
Kerp a record of everything. If it verges into harassment or stalking then the police have told me they can act on it, and you have to report it all. If it’s just gossip and flying monkeys doing the narcs dirty work then there’s nothing you can do.
You might have a case for slander but it would be hard to prove. The flying monkeys will always side with the narc.
Its shit. I’m still living with the consequences years later.

Move area?

I’m so sorry.
start recording it all and also be very vulnerable and teary eyed whenever someone approaches you with another ‘story’. Find your sadness in the moment.
Tell anyone that will listen that you think someone is trying to sabotage your life, but you’re not sure who. People will draw their own conclusions.
DO NOT however contact your Mum or sisters, completely ignore them and block them on all communication channels.
Invite your aunt round to have dinner with you and your daughter. Don’t mention to disgusting allegations at all, just have a nice dinner x

You need to move and change your phone numbers. Just disappear.

I had nasty rumours spread about me in an organisation I was in. I complained and won but it was a pyrrhic victory I never recovered from.
Yes ignore, but also scoff at people who try and assert it's true.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Don’t rise to it.

Don’t rise - but do softly and calmly explain to the neighbour/aunt that the story is untrue. The less you leap about and get angry the more credible you will seem. Anyone shouting at you should be told clearly to calm down and you will talk to them, but not if they are getting abusive as you will walk away. Confidence and calm will get you through.

sorry you are going through this, my dh and I are experiencing something similar from his family and it’s not nice.

I've been in your shoes with my mum and her flying monkeys.

It was worse when I was early 20s as I didn't have the confidence to put the issue on her intead of blaming myself or allowing myself to be guilt tripped.

I tell myself now I'm an adult, a mother myself, I don't owe anyone (except my child) anything. I don't owe anyone an explanation as to why I'm NC. If anyone has an issue they need to mind their own business. They don't have the facts and it's not my job to enlighten them. They can think what they like.

You sound like you have had or are having some therapy- it's so important to take care of your mental health first. You are recovering from being raised from a narc mother.

The most important step in healing is to create safety in your environment. That's why boundaries are so important and why what's happening now absolutely has to stop.

Whether you contact the police, move house, change number, I can't advise but this has to stop. You are entitled to a safe, private life free of harassment. You are entitled to put your mental health above anyone and anything.

Because you’ve given a reaction in the past they will keep pushing to get one, don’t give in.

The neighbour I would have calmly said “kindly, my family and personalise life is none of your business” then walked away.

I ve had to shut flying monkeys down recently my response was “your relationship with my mother is yours, mines very different and I would not expect you to understand” Luckily the flying monkey dropped it.

I’ve had relatives completely ignore me at family funerals, I avoid events because I don’t want or need the hassle.

About your dd I would have laughed and said “really I had no idea, thank for letting me know”.

You really need to stand firm and not react, walk away, try and respond calmly if you have too. Keep records of things that are happening, report to police so you have a trail.

Not ideal but if you can I agree with others move and don’t tell anyone your address.

I really wouldn’t recommend doing this. The poster is well meaning, but If you show tears and vulnerability within the orbit of a narcissist, it will be used against you to show you have mental health issues and are crazy. It will be used against you and won’t help your case at all. It will turn into “no wonder her DD is on drugs, her mums unstable”. It will be used to back up their lies.

But 100% agree with don’t contact your mum or sisters.