Struggle to talk with teenage son

[NotSmallButFunSize]

My DS is nearly 15. He's generally always been quite quiet (more gobby at home!) and introverted but has a good group of friends and does really well at school, always told by teachers what a lovely kid he is to have in class.

He's quite hard to get to open up and is not physically affectionate at all - sometimes I worry he is feeling left out (he has 2 younger sisters who are very cuddly and outgoing) but on the surface he seems happy enough.

He's just had to pull out of a school thing due to none of his friends signing up and it's just set me off feeling so sad for him (was a European trip) but I can't tell if he is even bothered and it's just me projecting? He will say he's fine but what if he actually isn't?

I feel completely useless that I can't even talk to my own son but he just shuts conversation down and never tells us anything. I got all sad on holiday this year as when I was doing his suncream I realised it was probably the only time he really gets any physical contact!!

Are all teenage boys this tricky? How can I low-pressure get him to open up a bit more??

Chats in the car - just you and him, side by side, maybe with some of his favourite music playing. If you don't know what that is, get him to play it for you and start chatting about that.
Keep it general, don't ask direct questions about his life. Find topics that interest you both, or just general what happened at school, rather than what did he do at school etc

Either a walk or a car journey. No eye contact, no distractions. Works wonders. Whenever we sensed something bothering DD, one or both of us would take her for a walk, or find a reason to drive somewhere. Anything awkward we wanted to tackle with her was done on the way home from her favourite activity.

Totally agree with the other posters... car drive..no eye contact.. easiest way to talk to a reluctant teenager! I had four and it worked every time!

Car!!! As others have said, no eye contact so good for chats. I miss it so much now ds is driving. Just be there for him, if he does open up then grab it.

My nephew was similar at that age. What got him to talk was football. He's football obsessed even now. I didn't particularly like football but I learnt about his favourite team and what was going on in games and some of the players.

He would chat away and once he was loosened up I would ask questions about things going on to see how he felt about it.

As well as the car, a big circular walk is also a good one.

This is my experience too. As much as it's a bit of a one way street, foot or back massages are accepted and requested. Not the perfect means to contact but it's an option.

Don't worry about the trip. I wouldn't want to go on a trip that friends weren't on.

I think parental worry spooks a mid teen boy. A parent pushing to speak about a worry that they don't want to talk about drives them in the opposite direction.

I know when my mum (sorry mum) says "your very quiet, what are you thinking about" it feels so intrusive and annoys me even though it's well meant. Better to just be there ready to talk if they want to talk.

I also wanted to mention the car thing but so many wise mumsnetters ahead of me so had to go with massage. 😂

It's so tough isn't it. I also have younger children too so often feel my 15yo could feel left out as they're so much more affectionate! Things that I try is as others have said chats in the car (definitely the best place for more open chats for us). walks, or talking (which can be painfully boring!) about the topics he is interested in and lead from there. I try to as much as possible join him in with the little one's kisses and cuddles even if he pretends to not like it I know he really appreciates being involved. Coming from a childhood of little affection it can often feel like a 'forced effort' so it is often harder if they're not interested from their side.

Thanks for the replies - we do chat a bit in the car. I think this trip thing had triggered my general worries about how he feels about life!! It's so tricky isn't it

Mine is hit or miss whether he’ll speak in the car. I sometimes get one word answers. Seems happy enough with friends/girlfriend. Just doesn’t appear to want to chat to his parents much. It’s tricky.

I’m when he’s older he’ll improve.
I wouldn’t worry about the trip - if his mates aren’t going then he wouldn’t have wanted to go anyway.

What does he love? Hobbies, passions, tap into those first and foremost. I go to music gigs with DS, listen to him talk about music and guitars for hours on end, we watch films together, eat dinner together every evening (we share how our day has been as a family at that point) and go out for coffee and cake. He's a talker but less so on the emotional side of things. He will give me a hug from time to time. I don't feel like he's lacking love or attention, it's just on his terms. I do generally know what's going on in his life, the ups and downs and I know when something is bugging him or he's tired because that's when he is argumentative.

Definitely don't compare him to your younger daughters, it's a totally different dynamic.

You said he’s a bit more gobby at home, that’s a good sign!
I agree with other posters about car rides.
Maybe also ask him for help with something like moving furniture or helping with an app you ‘can’t figure out’ do. If he does it say you will get him a milkshake or whatever as a thank you. Then you can drive there and hopefully chat some more.

Is there something you could do together where there won't be too much talking? My DS loves a genre of film and also a sport that I wouldn't choose to watch by choice but he loves them and we can go together. Its not that he especially opens up when we do but it generates conversation.
If I ask DS how he feels about something I get "its whatever" but sometimes during conversations about other things I get an insight BUT the importanat thing is not to react too much or you spook them

sometimes in difficult situations I talk to my kid about what would be the best way for me to be a parent. Explain to him that you’re worried about him, but you find teenage boys are a bit of an enigma so you want to still be motherly but what approach would suit him the best?
I don’t think there’s any harm in saying to a kid that you would really like to be involved but you’re not sure how. List all the things you personally think are going great with him, and then list the couple of things you have question marks about. Take this advice with a grain of salt because I have a very chatty daughter so it could be useless in other situations.

I'll second going out for a walk, just the two of you. DD is a nightmare to get talking usually but after about 10 minutes of silence you can't shut her up on a walk.

My teenage boys are big huggers (I suspect they like measuring how massive they are on me now) but I only have boys, I wonder if that makes it easier somehow that there is no mother daughter relationship in comparison. Walking the dog is good company time, and we try to have a series on the go for a weekly evening squashed on the sofa (currently This Is England but mine slightly older). Also I try not to just ask questions or anything that is seen as nagging but to share things they might be interested in. Quite a lot of political arguments/ discussions also.

I became the holder of secrets. DS would chat freely in the car, and as they have got older so have his friends. The secret is that you must never act on information. It can be difficult but at least they feel safe to open up.
It helps that my profession is based on confidentiality and it is just part of my makeup now. DS knows this so now I know far more than I should. I am quite certain that he filters out more than he divulges but anything serious he will ask about.
He went through a tough spell during the pandemic , 15-17yrs, and reached out, admitting that he had considered suicide at one point. At the time there was no real help available apart from online helplines. In a way he realised that talking to DH and I and his friends was important and probably is of more value. It’s so important to feel that someone will always listen. I know that he has a small group of friends who are able to talk the deep stuff without feeling embarrassed. He also has a lot of girl friends who he can talk to.
It seems a long time ago but now he’s away at uni he texts me regularly. We send each other TicToks and general chit chat but it also leaves the channels open for more serious stuff. I recently lost my sister, I spent a lot of time with her during her last month and DS texted me regularly to see how I was. He also encouraged me to talk about it when I picked him up ( he was really poorly the week she died so I was juggling worrying about him and my sister) and was happy to just listen.

Mid teens is a difficult time but just keep the channels open. Texting is good since that is how they communicate. Trust is very important, they may tell you stuff you may find difficult but unless they ask you directly to act on it you have to keep it to yourself.

DS’s best friend’s mum is a close friend. I often get cross examined about “events” but unless it is life threatening I don’t talk.
I also know that DS understands the need to know rule with me, in the same way that my parents didn’t know everything I got up to. It’s part of growing up. You can’t protect them forever, eventually you have to pass that responsibility on to them and hope they have a robust risk assessment or aversion.

Go for a walk with him. He is much more likely to chat whilst physically active.

I used to think of excuses to go out for brunch or for cake with mine. Food's always a draw! Sneak off, make it fun. You can compensate your DD's another way. Also, direct questions like, "How are you feeling about x?", rarely worked for us. You have to be clever to lure them to open up. eg: starting by talking about when you were at school first, then segway in, so something like, is it really different at your school?.. or x said their DC have to do y at school or I heard about z as a problem these days, then just see if he'll start talking about his own situation.

DS was pretty open at that age but DD was an absolute closed book. It’s quite hard going isn’t it because you want them to know they can talk to you about anything and that you will always be there for them but you’re getting nothing! DD also didn’t want hugs or anything like that, having been the huggiest and most affectionate child ever. I’m quite chatty and open and I found it really hard and wondered if things would ever change.

She's 24 now and happens to be staying with us for a couple of days….well, we’ve had all the news and more!! She’s still very independent and self contained but she also shares things, volunteers things about her life and asks about us. She’s warm and open and gives hugs and smiles. I think you just need to hang in there with your son, create opportunities to chat (car and walks are good like others have said) but accept it if he still doesn’t want to talk. I think it’s a fairly normal part of growing up to want to have some kind of private life from your parents. Everything instinct in them is crying out to be independent from you and it’s hard for them that it can’t happen until they’re 18. Give him space and be available for the precious moments when he decides to say something…it’s all you can do.

In a few years time it really will feel a lot different.