12 year old daughter not wanting to go school

[Megirlan123]

So as the title suggests,
my 12 year old is in first year of high school.
She has struggled to settle in (as I’d imagine most do)
Every few weeks she gets very tearful and she says she feels sick. Can be any more specific about how she is feeling.

Im wondering if this is related to her period(she started in August) so a cyclical thing.

She was off school yesterday because of how she was feeling and she really wanted to stay off today but I made her go to school. She was quiet but ok when I was dropping her off and met her wee friend before she went in.

so AIBU sending her to school ?

Also Amy advice on how to deal with this will be gratefully appreciated.

As the parent of 2 children who had long periods of emotionally based school avoidance which led to them not being 'schooled' for high school years I would say if she CAN go she should.

School refusal is more than not wanting to be there.

In the meantime I would make an appointment with the SENCO at the school and try to talk as much as possible with your daughter about why she doesn't want to be there.

My daughter had EBSA .. I wished I had handled it better when it first started, and it might not have got as bad as it did.

Don’t make it into a battle
Don’t trick her into going and staying
Ensure there is a way to leave, and for her to go home if she feels overwhelmed (without a load of staff trying to persuade her to stay)
Don’t punish her
Make sure she knows you are on her side

It’s not your job to force your child to school, school need to ensure that there are processes in place, and an environment in place, to make her feel safe.

I would say “seek help”, but it’s thin on the ground.

Have a look at “Not fine in school”

Yes I do definitely agree with this. Reading back my post might seem a bit harsher than I meant.

I just wasn't particularly seeing signs that this was a child who really doesn't want to be in school, more that she'd rather be at home (perhaps during her period).

Does the school have mixed sex (unisex toilets) that can be a real problem for girls with period products? If it is that side of things that are worrying her can you help her with strategies. It may be that even if they are single sex she's embarrassed, it's very common for girls to feel like that.

It's not your job to force your child to school

But it literally is the parent's job to make sure their child is in education full time! The more days you give her off for feeling anxious, the harder you make it for her to go next time.You need to talk to the school and try to see how best to support her.
Anxiety does not get better by hiding in your bedroom, and it doesn't help her to be losing ground academically and socially.

This just isn't true though.

Children can be educated away from school full time, there is no law that says it has to be done in school. My eldest was so mentally ill due to undiagnosed and unmet needs he couldn't be in school. He literally had to recover in his bedroom which took him away from any education for around about 2 years. I tried to force him into school for much longer than I should have to the point that he made 2 serious suicide attempts aged 10.

When he did recover he engaged with education at home and then reintegrated to 6th form. He's now a fresher at UCL having got 3 A's in his A levels as is living away from home in halls.

No it isn’t.

When you have a child who, for whatever reason, is anxious about school (in our case it was undiagnosed ASD), the school need to put in places plans / strategies to make the school accessible to them.

Please do not follow the line that it’s all up to you, it really isn’t

Starting periods and secondary school at more or less the same time is really tough on girls. As pp says, check out the toilet situation at school.

Also I found keeping a close track on cycle and moods gradually helped us see a pattern. Finding effective pain relief, etc, helped a lot. Does she have comfortable clothing, leakproof underwear, just generally feeling confident. Getting off pe if that’s an issue.

Otherwise, I’d say that starting secondary can be really shit for lots of kids. Is she alarmed by the crowded corridors, the queues at the lunch hall, trying to find her way around and remember teachers’ names? She’s probably exhausted simply trying ti survive each day. All I can suggest is Loads of tlc and patience, and if she’s still miserable by Christmas, think about emailing the guidance teacher with your concerns.

*This just isn't true though.

Children can be educated away from school full time, there is no law that says it has to be done in school.*

There is if she is on-roll as a fulltime student, which she is!

I hated school I was very quiet and got picked on a lot as they knew I was meek and wouldn't stand up to them I did eventually near they end and they didn't bother me again but I would find any reason not to go I was miserable to this day it bothers me , can you sit down and ask her what's making her feel like that , is it anxiety is she being picked on ? I wish I had of moved schools looking back I. It I could of done so much better in school but just couldn't stand to be there

You are still wrong. Parents have a duty to the health and safety of the child. If this involves keeping them safe at home then that is what they should do.

The school should be looking at strategies to support the 'on roll' student who is struggling to attend, which might involve needs assessments / EHCP or looking at AP.

Schools have historically tried to off roll students who struggle to attend or to fine parents.

School should be providing FT education at home after 10 days of absence (or 14 days), can't remember which one. Either via online school or tutor.
I won case against my LA for that exact point.

Parents should not off roll children who are unable to attend as if they do this then the Local Authority has no responsibility for making Alternative Provision.

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/news/home-education-not-always-what-it-seems

Yes s. 19 Education Act.

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/657995f0254aaa000d050bff/Arranging_education_for_children_who_cannot_attend_school_because_of_health_needs.pdf

That's a wrong advice.
For those of us who actually had children with EBSA/SEN/undiagnosed needs not wanting to go to school, it will make matters much worse in the end.

Case in point here.. my reception age child wasn't ready for school. Autistic and ADHD gound the environment too much from start.
School put everything I asked for into action, inc lovely 1:1, school day that was an hour and gradually been extended.
He could go outside if he wanted to, total flexibility on their side.
Managed 3 months part time at school. He is now almost 11 and it took him 5 years to be able even get to the point he didn't panic at being asked maths question.
Suddenly in past year he is engaging better, he is reading and will do some sit down learning.
He will catch up as he is very bright, but he won't go anywhere near school.

OP, I would get your daughter to tell you everything about her day prior to day she does not want to go.
It could be something like subject she hates, loos, getting lost /stressed between classes.
Could she have special needs? They quite often really show up once in secondary.

The op does not speak of any documented illness or spe ialneed.

I ended up enrolling my child in online schooling. I wish I had just taken her out of school from the minute she started to hate it. She’s now a happy excitable teen whereas she used to be a withdrawn anxious kid

DD has suffered from pains and sickness due to her period. if she is happy to go to school the rest of the time then I don't think the advice for school avoidance is necessary.

effective pain relief and heat pads is the best thing. Periods can be really tough for some teens. I also let DD have the very odd day off she felt unwell.
You can get disposable heat pads that she can stick on under her clothes to help. DD found ibruprofen the best painkiiller (just make sure she takes it with some food. )

Thank you for all the advice and suggestions.
sorry I wasn’t clear about periods, This avoidance doesn’t happen when she is actively on her period. It’s more that I can see a cyclical change to her moods as in for a few weeks she is fine, then she is struggling.

she doesn’t seem to have any issues with bullying, I’m quite sure she would tell me and we have had some really good chats about it.

she is a girl who enjoys her own space and company and while she has friends and enjoys their company she can get overwhelmed at times and likes some time to decompress.

I am now in touch with the school and will keep up the conversations with them. They do not appear to think there are any big issues and she is doing well academically though she can be easily distracted.

as for any sen needs I’m not sure, sometimes, her eye contact isn’t good and she can be, in certain situations, be socially awkward and a lot of noise makes her really uncomfortable. I’m not sure if that is just down to her personality or if there is more to it.

Just be aware that many autistic girls mask OP. Some of the things you are describing there are consistent with autism. It is unlikely school will suggest it to you but if you have concerns you could see your GP.

School avoidance can be due to ASD.

Sound ADD/ASD.

Lots of people don't want to go to school if given the chance lol.

You've got to go. We weren't allowed to stay off school ever unless we were ill and had a temperature. Bit like work really.

@Megirlan123 how is your daughter getting on now? Did she settle? Your DD sounds exactly like mine and I could have written your post. Sometimes all is fine, other times (often Sunday nights!) she'll get quite teary and say she hates school. There doesn't seem to be anything underlying it, just hates "everything". I have no idea if there's a real problem I'm missing or if it's just general hormones/moodiness.

Does the school have a quiet area where pupils can go if feeling overwhelmed? It made all the difference to DD to have somewhere to go when she was struggling to cope, she could do her work there (or just get back to being able to self regulate) and then go back into class when she was ready.

It kept her in school, it kept her in the mainstream class a lot more as well, she knew she could leave if she needed to and that gave her the safety net to learn to tolerate the discomfort.