Probably a WWYHD - feeling guilty for saying no

[ChiefEverythingOfficer]

A friend text at the last minute to ask if I could bring her son home from school. She has a car but didn't want to take the younger children out (early evening here).

My DH is collecting my DD and picking up our Indian Takeaway (with naan) on the way home. Dropping off the child would add 15 mins to the journey and our food would have gone cold - curry could be reheated but cold naan is grim. So I said no.

I never say no. I know IANBU but I feel like shit. Ruminating over it. WTF is this? I am quick to trot out the whole - no is a full sentence to other MNetters but am incapable of saying no myself. I am probably very unreasonable for being such a wimp.

Arghhh. People pleasing is a monkey which I would love to get off my back. Not sure why I am posting - maybe to hear that I need to woman up and own my choices...

Could be get the curry after dropping the child off?

Well, you did say no!

Just stop thinking about it. You did something mildly selfish, no big deal. Your friend was just hoping for a favour. You’re not obliged to help, it wasn’t an emergency. No need to feel guilty.

Once or twice I have been blown away by the kindness of strangers (and friends). It’s nice to pay that back sometimes, and get the warm happy glow.

On the other hand, I do take your point about the naan. 😂

Hope it was a good curry.

No was fine.

You put your convenience over her convenience.

You didn't put your convenience over her emergency.

Big difference. You're fine.

I do the same OP. Rarely say no, and feel incredibly guilty when I do!

Even when I know I’m perfectly reasonable (and the person who I say no to has other options within their immediate family).

Hope the food was tasty! I would like to think I’d have said no in that situation too.

I don’t think it’s at all selfish to say no to a request that would have meant a 15 minute delay in getting home, when it clearly wasn’t an emergency.

Why should she though ? Why should she do this when it didn’t suit her and it wasn’t an emergency situation ?

It was either planned and she knew in advance that her child would be late home and didn't ask for help sooner.

Or perhaps it was a detention for an older child, in which case they are partly done to inconvenience parents to reinforce behaviour changes so better not to get involved.

Didn't want to take the younger kids out. Well tough cookies for her

Bit cheeky of the friend if you ask me.

She has a car but didn't want to take the younger children out (early evening here).

Well, she could have collected her DC but didn't want the hassle of taking the other children. So it's not as if you left her high and dry.

I’d have said no.

I do a lot of favours of this type, but only if it is either no inconvenience to me or there’s a better reason than a rather feeble “don’t want to put my kids in the car in the early evening”. Unless she’s got disabilities or newborn triplets then having to take younger ones out to get bigger ones is not a big deal and is part of what you sign up for when you have several children.

Not wanting to take younger children out in the car in the early evening? Sorry, but that's part and parcel of having multiple children.
What was her older child doing at school anyway, that meant this last minute request? If it was an after school thing, it can't have been later than about 5:30, tops.
If it was a detention, even more tough titties IMO. Some irritation of parents is a further natural consequence of poor behaviour.

What you did was fine. If she had been in an emergency I would have thought you mean spirited for saying no, but she wasn’t. She didn’t want to be inconvenienced by taking the younger children out, and you didn’t want to be inconvenienced by having to reheat (expensive) cold food when that would have been much less nice. You absolutely weren’t obliged to prioritise resolving her issue of convenience at the expense of your own.

You weren’t selfish and don’t need to feel guilty.

I'm going to embroider that on to a big bit of fabric, frame it and sell it. 😀

I think the key is to stop thinking about it.

Maybe you're thinking about the future implications. That she might take offence or that she might not help you if you have an emergency.
Maybe you're worried that you hurt her feelings.
Maybe you're worried that she's questioning your friendship.

I don't think it even helps to think about the nuances of the situation.
There is no right or wrong. She asked a favour and that favour would disrupt your plans for a meal you had been looking forward to and you said no, but what if you just plain didn't want to?

I think I'd rather a friendship where I could ask a favour and trust that a friend would only say yes if it was something they could happily do, rather than a yes that tied them in knots. I think brené brown has something to say about how it's easier to be compassionate if you have good boundaries, but in any case better to choose guilt over growing resentment.

This is all a work in progress for me but any time this sort of situation creeps up and I manage to say no, I try to refocus my thoughts away from whether I was right or wrong or how the other person might react and back to how proud of myself I am for listening to my own wants and needs.

True.

You were right to say no and I'm a people pleaser. She wasn't having an emergency and it would have spoilt your plans. No big deal.

This. It's hardly an emergency and she is going to need to do it regularly now until March. The younger kids would be fine. It's the friend who probably couldn't be arsed. Why should the op have a substandard dinner because the friend doesn't want to do a routine thing

@BeensOnToost nailed it. It would have been mean if she'd had a vomiting child at home and was desperate. In this case, it WAS inconvenient for you so it was reasonable to say that you weren't going to inconvenience yourself so that she is not inconvenienced.

Part of having multiple kids is taking them all when you have somewhere to be.

Your husband was going elsewhere so you couldn’t do it which is fair enough.

Wouldn't your DH have been annoyed to be doing a favour that wasn't needed at the expense of your family dinner? I would have been, in his shoes. Would he even have agreed to do it?