Weighed 4 stone at 26 years old

[solosunflower]

From the age of 15, I've struggled with eating disorders. At 17 I was anorexic and went down 5 1/2 stone, I received outpatient treatment and regained enough weight to function 'normally' in society. I struggled with further studies, training, finding a job and by 26 I only weighed 4 stone. I lived with my mum at this point and was still working (unbelievably) as a teaching assistant. Eventually I ended up seeing a GP and I was sectioned. I spent 3 months in hospital being re-fed via a tube, there was plenty of talk that I could die. After that, I spent a year in a specialised inpatient unit. I feel in many ways this ruined my chances of a career and a decent relationship. Since I've become a parent myself, I don't understand how my mum could have watched me waste to a skeleton and not intervene. It plays on my mind a lot. I've tried to have a conversation with her about it, her response is that I begged her not to get me treatment.

Now she could be ill and I'm struggling to care.

Firstly, I’m sorry that you went through this, but glad that it seems things are better for you now.
Regarding your mother, I would simply say that it is INCREDIBLY UNBELIEVABLY hard to manage when a late teenage/adult child is exhibiting behaviours that you can see are damaging but can’t see it themselves. Maybe she focused on retaining the relationship between the two of you so you wouldn’t at least lose that.

I'm really sorry to hear that you were so ill. Wishing you all the best in your continued recovery. Totally understand why becoming a parent has made you revisit that period in your life.
I suppose you could have a think about how you were at that time emotionally and how you were behaving - what options were available to your mum to seek help for you, and how would you have reacted to them? I ask this because I know it's common for people to react to others acknowledging an issue directly or urging them to seek help, by becoming more secretive with their disordered behaviours- it's possible that this might have been what your mum was worried about? Did she do anything at all at home with you, did she try and talk to you about it?

My profession has occasionally brought me into contact with preteens and teenagers who present with eating disorders .
CAMHS and ED specialists have always been called to help both the patient and their family members who , without exception, have always been distressed and felt powerless to help their LO recover from such a life-limiting disorder .
I can see from your post that you feel angry and resentful towards your Mum (as she observed you losing so much weight and risking long-term health problems) .
What do you think she could or should have done differently ? I am guessing that she was terrified of further upsetting you and risking losing any positive relationship with you .

Did she not play a part in getting you admitted to hospital when you were a teen?

Did you beg her? It sounds from this that you did have conversations with her about it at the time, even if nothing came of them.

having known young people but at adult age who are ill with ea or drug addiction or other forms of destructive behavioural illnesses and seen parents and loved ones be at their wit ends because there is nothing they can do as the person is of an age where loved ones actually are unable to force anything without the young adult in question being cooperative with it, I can see how impossible it can be.

they can see the child (adult child) destroying themselves but can do nothing about it. They have to sit and hope and wait that something triggers the person they love to get help.

i hope things are easier for you now but I understand that this is also something you are having to live with forever.

Does your mum have food issues ?

Raising teens is hard and many would do the opposite of what their parents want. For example if she told you to eat more then she could have caused you to eat less and you would have been angry at her thinking that it was so simple. I also understand that you’re finding it difficult to believe that she didn’t be more forceful when it’s a life and death situation too. Putting pressure on a stressed teen could have made them more secretive or extreme in their behaviour and she must have been scared.

Was your eating disorder a result of a situation that she caused or was involved in ? My mum is very avoidant of talk of the past even though I tried to explain that she is part of my fucked up mental health. Pretending that things are ok (fake it until you make it) is very much part of my mum’s behaviour.

You are struggling to care about your mother? Haven't you caused her enough pain? She will almost certainly have suffered enormously from watching you battle anorexia when you were a young adult and it was probably impossible for her to help you. Her hands were tied - she could not get treatment for someone who was an adult; she had no legal right to insist on it. When you were a teenager you had outpatient treatment so presumably she was involved in sorting that out; I bet she did her best. People with anorexia are notoriously difficult to help.

No, I don't believe she cared. I think she would have been fine if I'd died.

OP, you might want to ask MN to move this to the Eating Disorders board, rather than AIBU. There are lots of posters over there who have experiences of ED and I'm sure they would have some advice for you. 💐

OP you are NOT being unreasonable. So often in the treatment of eating disorders, the parents are a huge part of the problem. I've known parents tell ED children that their goal weight is too high and they will be fat. You have every right to wonder and question how your mother could have allowed that to happen to you. At 4st your life was almost certainly in danger. A parent should be begging anyone who will listen, for help in that situation. I'm sorry about the other comments. So heartless and ill-informed. AIBU is a cess pit.

So sorry to hear what you went through. I hope you're in recovery. My anorexia wasn't extreme as yours but my parents also did nothing. It was a teacher who intervened in the end. When I became a parent myself, I wondered how and why they didn't do anything. I know I was secretive and hid the extremes i was going to, but they simply watched me waste down. They were of the generation that didn't do mental health, and didn't trouble doctors or make a fuss, but even so. I've been a carer for my mum with her health issues this year and, yeah, it has thrown up some conflicted feelings. I hear you, OP.

Dealing with an anorexic child is extremely difficult. Hate to say it but they can be very manipulative and will lie to get their own way. The anorexic voice is so persistent and insistent so the child can't think of anything else. If a parent threatens that voice then the parent would be the one to go. I think if you want to talk to your mum about it you should come for a position of empathy rather than hostility.

It sounds like a complex situation with no simple answers. You'd had medical intervention before, you were 26 and working, so it's not all on your mother, although she was still giving you a home. No one here knows the truth of it, but I doubt it was as easy as all that for your mother to make you get help. I hope you're having help now irl to deal with all the feelings that are still unresolved.

Have you had therapy about your relationship with your mum? It could help to talk about it with a professional.

OP it still looks like you are struggling with strong and distressful thoughts. As you have a history of a severe mental illness this is concerning. Noone can offer you what you need through this or any other message board/social media.

Please speak to a professional about what you are feeling so you can move through this without harming yourself.

It's hard to know what to say without knowing your dynamics.

Do you think she may have struggled with watching you play chicken with death, getting close to losing you over and over and over again, denying their was a problem, and knowing that its your choice and something she has no power over, that she might have decided that you need to want to save yourself?

It’s entirely understandable that you have a lot of grief and anger around your illness.

Given that you’d been through anorexia before 15-18,19,20? I wonder if she felt she couldn’t cope with more and didn’t know how to deal with it?

Did you get the bus alone to those medical appointments? Did she ever visit you at all during the long stay in hospital. Did she ever ask you to eat or get frustrated with you? Did she pay your bills when you were an adult living at home?

Unless she completely disregarded you and you literally faced your illness alone, then yes she deserves a daughter who gives a shit when she is ill. At the very minimum you should return the level of care you got, whatever that was.

her response is that I begged her not to get me treatment

Would you agree with this, did you do that? If so, it must has been really difficult for her - watching you waste away in front of her eyes and not being able to do anything.

Unless there’s a massive backstory here I agree with this. If she’d gone to a health professional and had you sectioned you’d have hated her, you say yourself you begged her not to get you treatment. It’s wasn’t your mums fault you don’t have a career and there’s still time to get one.

Do you remember that you begged your DM not to get you treatment? Is this true?

Do you recall her trying to get you to eat more or expressing concern that you were losing so much weight

Did she seem upset or worried about your food intake?

I was anorexic from around 17 to 25. The condition turned me into a manipulative, self-absorbed and angry person. Any mention of needing to eat more, or my DM expressing her concern, would result in denial there was any problem. I’d hide food, say I’d eaten, refuse to agree I had lost more weight. Looking back I don’t know how I turned into this unrecognisable (both physically and mentally) person. If she had tried to get me to the GP I would have refused to go or pretend I’d been. I literally was so focussed on weight loss, the world and everyone in it, ceased to exist to me.

it was only when my DD started showing the same signs, behaviours etc, that I had an idea of how my DM had felt. I was beside myself and any attempt to persuade her to eat more, see the GP, talk to anyone - were met with all out hostility. I was powerless at the strength of this condition as I believe my DM was with me.

Reading your post OP I would suggest that your anorexia continues to affect your thinking. You seem stuck in a resentful self obsessed teenager stage.
I have known several girls/ young women with anorexia and have attended family support groups so heard first hand about many more.
The common denominator was attentive and extremely caring parents who felt powerless to help their daughters despite their best efforts.
The manipulation of and distress caused to families by those who have anorexia is frequently enormous.
Parents who aren’t healthcare professionals, who often have other children to care for and jobs they must hold down to support the family are between a rock and a hard place trying to navigate the minefield of trying to convince somebody who doesn’t accept there is anything wrong to get treatment.
If your mother had you sectioned would that mean you cared more for her now? Or would you blame her for that too?
Unless your mother was actually not interested in your eating which is not how this reads with the information you have given it is not rational to blame her as you are doing.

Unfortunately, in any parent - child relationship there can be a huge mis match between what the parent intended and what the child perceived.

That doesn't diminish your feelings but, for adults that make it to adulthood relatively unscathed, they are able to appreciate the intention of the parent as they mature.

Most parents really do their best in the circumstances that they are dealing with at that time.

This is important as, when you were ill, you won't be aware of what else your mum had on her plate - marital difficulties? (i see you neither blame nor mention your dad) financial difficulties? health worries about her own health/another family member besides you/work worries?

You just won't know unless you can have a conversation.

Of course, none of this takes away from the fact you didn't feel loved. But, if you can understand her reasoning, then it might help you to see that she made what she thought were the right choices at that time.

You say you're now a parent but you don't say you're a parent to teenagers.

The early years of parenting are a breeze compared to parenting teenagers. Often, by the time there is a teen or two in the family, there are younger children also who have needs to be met. Women can be menopausal at this stage and worried about their own parents' health.

So, i'm not saying your Mum is entirely blameless, only that you need to look fully around with your eyes wide open to understand her actions.

Writing her a letter explaining how you feel might encourage her to write back and explain what she was thinking at that time.

And - if you get a response that fuels your emotions, you have something there to take along to a counsellor for discussion.

Sounds like you are well now. So concentrate on the future rather than the past. And/or get counselling to help with negative thoughts.

You don't know the OP or her mother; you're happy to lay blame and add to the OP's difficult feelings about her mother, and you're calling other people "heartless"? Get some self-awareness.