Child benefit tax

[JoB1kenobi]

My husband keeps his finances separate to mine. Red flags I know, it’s been the contention of our marriage but he won’t budge.

Long story short, he earned a rise at work that he kept from me. He got outed because it meant it took us over the child benefit allowance which gets paid to me FOR our children.

He has now received a letter to pay back £1400 and he thinks I should pay it because I received the child benefit that we weren’t entitled too, but he has money in the bank (because he earns 3 times more than me, and keeps all his money and my money is mine but barely covers my bills as I put my career on hold while bringing up our children, but I work, bloody hard. I just supported the family in others ways which allowed him to flourish in his career.)

I’ve said no to paying it, I genuinely cannot afford it. AIBU?

For context, he pays all the bills for the household and I pay for all the kids stuff including clothing, clubs, childcare (at one point this was as much as the mortgage!) my car and personal utilities, holidays, all gifts for all occasions, all parties basically the bonus stuff life brings plus I pay him 1/5 of my wages towards the household bills. I’m literally broke while he is sitting on cash.

Thanks all for your input - I’m pleased to say the very long night ended with him paying the bill.

We're in a similar situation - DH slightly above threshold and me significantly below. We have fully shared finances though and DH wouldn't dream of me being financially worse off than him. Please know your worth OP.

Yanbu

The whole reason why child benefit is structured like this is so that financially abusive arseholes like your dh can't pocket the money that is intended for the children.

It is not your debt it is his. The child benefit comes to you for the benefit of the child(ren) and you are fully entitled to it. He has to pay an extra charge due to being a high earner in this situation. He cannot and should not take it from you.

I hope you get away from him. Remember when yoi divorce the bastard that keeping his wealth separate from yours does not stop you being entitled to a share, it's all joint assets of the marriage for the purposes of a divorce settlement.

You're really minimising this. It's not a "form of financial abuse", it's just straight up financial abuse. He hid his pay rise? While you have a pittance? Then he wants to take away your CB? What an odious little man.

It’s not your bill. Given how he is about finances, I’d say that the money has been spent on your children. The government has decreed that higher rate tax payers should be taxed more if child benefit is claimed, so it’s down to him to pay it. And I would carry on claiming it unless he hands it over instead.

does he know that you struggle financially? Have you sat down and run him through a list of your income and outgoings? You’ve sacrificed your own earning potential to have children with him, you organising childcare enables his career to flourish.

Though what I’d actually do is tell him to fuck off, pay his own tax bill and carry on claiming child benefit unless he wants to talk about a more reasonable system of managing the family finances.

FWIW, I’m the significantly higher earner in our family - DH and I have exactly the same disposable income after bills and savings are sorted and most of my bonuses go towards holidays (though I usually get myself a little treat). That’s absolutely my choice, and there have been times when DH earned more and we did the same.

I understand what you're saying about your DH being a good man, etc, and how you love him and won't leave him. To be fair, you know him better than us.
But the kids are 50%, his and it's good he's planning for the future, but they need clothes and food now, and it's not fair that you are being financially responsible for your children, when you don't earn as much as him.
He needs to pay the money back from HIS account, at the very least.

He would give them the earth but he doesn’t think to. If I asked for money for school shoes he would in a heartbeat. My daughter wanted piano lessons which I couldn’t afford so he paid them. He isn’t stingy with them at all, he just doesn’t share his disposable wealth with me. Again if I asked, I’d get but I don’t want to ask, it should be available to me and mine to him.

I once suggested we pooled the entirety of our wages into an account, paid all bills and stored savings then split the remainder. He could spend all his on a sports car if he wished and I could spend mine on designer handbags if I wished but it’s split equally. His actual answer was ‘how is that fair when I earn more!’

We were in a car and I literally told him to pull over and I got out before I punched him and caused an accident! He just cannot see it. He’s completely blind to it.

That's good he's paid the bill.

However it doesn't detract from the fact he sees the children as 'yours' first and fire most and he just 'helps' so to speak.

That's the bit of this you need to change.

Your could tell him if I go back to work full time I'd earn x. I've sacrificed that to care for kids that are half yours. Why am I the one that's got no money. You need to half in. So we need to pay in the same percentage of our salary to a joint account for household bills, child bills, property maintenance and holidays. All the direct debits and running costs come out if that.

The rest of our salary is our own however I need more. Why should I be looking at clothes in charity shops while you buy designer shirts. So I expect you to subsidise my wages until the kids are at school and I can work nearer to full time again and pick them up afterwards.

He sounds horrible and a complete meanie. Why do you put up with this. I would ltb.

'My daughter wanted piano lessons which I couldn’t afford so he paid them'

The kids are his though right? Or have I read it wrong? It's different if he's not the father but my posts are assuming he is. I'm glad he paid the bill regardless. I realise you won't leave him, but hopefully you can reflect on this post for yourself, you've called him lovely and amazing but also financially abusive and said he thinks you'd spend all his money - he doesn't think as much of you, as you think of him. Be careful how much of yourself you give to him.

Thanks for all of your input - it is something I’ve seriously reflected on - we’ve been together 20 years. I’ve got to admit it makes me dislike him more and more as the years go on and he’s getting pay rises and I’m at a standstill, however he isn’t a bad person in every respect. I don’t feel this warrants a divorce. I’m not putting myself or my children through that for the sake of me living wage to wage. If I was single I’d definitely be broke - paying two mortgages - not for me. I’m willing to put up with a few arguments a year (and dig my heels in) to make a point - not that he’ll sway, he won’t even listen.

I just want to add that once, he was given £10000 from his dad when he retired and he didn’t even question paying off my car so that I was debt free in uni. The rest he spent on us. I got given £1000 of my dad recently as a gift and he didn’t once ask for a penny (not that he needs it! 😂)

So while I know it’s financial abuse, and while I really dislike that side of him, I will fight that I know him well and he IS a good man and husband, and I thank you for seeing a different perspective. Even though I’m not going to leave him over it, I do appreciate your siding with me. Thanks all.

To share a different perspective of how it can be done. My DH has been looking after the DCs whilst I earn. We use a budgeting app so that we can each see all the money. My salary gets split into budget pots for bills, saving for holiday, stuff for kids etc (all of our expenses mapped out) & we also have equal pots of money for personal spending. Any windfalls get added in to the budget.

The big problem with how you are splitting your finances is that you don’t have visibility of each other’s expenses and they aren’t really comparable. Your DH possibly thinks he pays for everything & you cover a few negligible “nice to haves”, which you know massively undermines your contribution (both financially & in unpaid labour)
Your DH doesn’t seem to see or value the unpaid labour you do that he & his DCs benefit from, which suggests a deeper lack of respect for you. Your system gives you no control or autonomy and creates a dynamic where he feels he is benevolently “gifting” to you & the DCs.

I respect you don’t want to divorce but a strong ultimatum to at least have a shared budget & visibility of all finances might help. As others have pointed out, if you divorced you would likely be entitled to a big share of the assets he views as “his”.

Good luck to you 💪

You are absolutely spot on. He feels like he is the only one.

I’ve tried showing him my finances, I’ve tried showing him my wages and I’ve trying suggesting so many things - even mutual friends (the male) has spoken out in defence of me saying it seems absurd to do it this way. He absolutely will no budge on it.

He was scorned and had to start from 0 in a previous relationship in excess of 20 years ago and I being young and naive didn’t push anything because I didn’t want him to think I was a money grabber (age difference previously mentioned).

Life went on and he just carried on and I only ever needed this support when we had children which was 13 years into our relationship. He’s stuck in his ways which is not helpful but I’m past even trying because I’m sick of the arguments and not getting anyway. I’m already stressed with the mental load of being a working mother so unless we get concerning issues like this one, I just don’t bother bringing it up.

Does this mean you'll be getting less child benefit from now on? And will he top up the difference so your budget doesn't suffer just because he has a payrise he won't share with the family?

Unless OP cancels her Child Benefit claim she will still get it. He will just have to pay a charge each year. He can't cancel the claim if it's in OPs name.

Exactly. It’s literally designed to make sure primary carers (usually women) in situations of financial abuse still have access to it. That’s why the claimant can keep claiming whilst the higher earner (above the threshold) is responsible for paying a tax.

OP, do not let yourself be bullied into stopping claiming, paying the tax yourself or having the payments go to his account.
& there’s no harm in maintaining good records of all your budgeting and spending.

Just a reminder to you and anyone taking a break from FT work to have/raise DCs - Claim Child Benefit.

It will give you credits for your State Pension when you are not making contributions.

It may not seem a big deal now, but believe me, it will when you get to pension age.

Simples, tell him either he pays the money back and starts giving you the monthly equivalent towards the kids now that his earnings mean you are on less income, or he can start paying you child and spousal maintenance when you split up due to financial abuse. Point out he will be paying you far more I he doesn't pull his finger out.