AIBU to still feel so confused after leaving an abusive relationship

[Imgoingtoaskthequestion]

I’m still very confused. My whole life changed very quickly. I was with him for over 10 years, we have a child. He was a husband in everything but legality. I suddenly woke up and realised that I had to end it:

• he made me upset by telling me off in public
• he would smack my arm in public (sometimes quite hard) if I didn’t something he didn’t like
• We would argue a lot
• When we weren’t arguing he was working on his days off and I would do solo childcare
• He held me back for years and made me wait to do this because he thought it would threaten his stuff if I did things (wanted a “wife” to cook)
• bossed me around generally and criticised a lot, e.g. my cooking
• used to teach me on a course and significant age gap
• grumpy old man, started to smell, i found him repulsive

What the fuck happened? I’m in my mid-late 30s now. I feel like a champagne bottle cork has been taken off and it fizzed for a while quite uncontrollably but now it’s just fizzing. Everyone tells me I have done the right thing. I will be fine financially. I’ve got plans and aspirations. I’m getting really healthy and drinking so much less. I’m seeing friends on my days off from childcare. I’m trying to get out and socialise more.

I feel so weird though. This is alien to me. It’s pleasant but uncomfortable to not repress feelings. I have feelings for other people. These other people have whole lives of their own unconnected to my life. I’m sensing my own attraction to others. I used to ignore these feelings, push them down and tell myself I was taken. Now I’m not and it’s causing me to feel chaotic. This is good? It’s difficult to handle.

Can anyone relate?

I can totally relate. I don't think I have made it as far out of the weeds as you have, though. You're doing fantastically well 🍾

YANBU at all to feel confused. Abusive intimate relationships are a bit like being in the military; you get broken down and rebuilt entirely in the image the authoritarian wants to see. I think it's a long road to get back to ourselves but I have no doubt you will arrive.

@LauderSyme that’s interesting you mention the military. I found being with him very much being like what I’d imagine the military was like. Everything had to be ordered. It was very repressive. No relaxing unless drinking. I used to imagine he was an army officer. I should have broken up with him then but for some reason I have no idea of I stayed and had a child.

It took me ages to realise that wait a minute, there was nothing wrong with me. I did not suddenly turn into a bumbling idiot who kept hurting his feelings, saying the wrong things, looking wrong, acting wrong, being wrong.
It was him.

@KatharinaRosalie it hurts when they do that, doesn’t it? After it hurts too much, we can realise what is happening. I think my ex was subtle and I didn’t notice it. But I was his convenient woman.

I have no clear idea why I always let him reel me back in again after all the revolting things he said and did. Every time I would be absolutely certain that This was The End, but it always turned out not to be. His demands that I constantly be "better" than I am consumed all my time and energy.

It's hard not to feel like a dolt who has wasted herself, but I try to remind myself that's what the "coercive" part of the "controlling" means. Onwards with fortitude!

@LauderSyme yes, “ I have no clear idea” is really relatable.