To be concerned about my apathetic teen

[ShabbyChic999]

Hi everyone, really appreciate any feedback, am I being overly helicopter mother or would you be concerned?
My 16 year old lacks enthusiasm for a lot of what life offers.

He has no interest in how he looks or in improving himself, we have to hunt him to the barber, to have daily shower, to wear clean clothes, he hates new clothes, no interest in sport or gym. He is not keen on participating in opportunities such as going to discos, on spanish exchange, or to spanish college (3 weeks away, I did it growing up, loads of fun). I offered him to do a job for me which I would pay him for, it's a creative job and gets busy at Christmas time but he isn't interested. I asked him about getting a job next summer since he doesn't want to do any camps or trips away and he doesn't want to get a job either, even money doesn't motivate him. He is very awkward with new people, loves meeting his friends but doesn't actually do it that often, once a week on a weekend at most. He doesn't take the initiative to arrange it and waits for others to instead. He goes for long walks all on his own a lot. Loads of stuff I ask him gets a shrug. Even going out for meals or travelling doesn't interest him. (unless he travels with friends, he has gone away with the school a couple of times and enjoyed it). But family holidays are completely uninteresting to him, we were even going to do a mega special trip to New York and he was so not bothered we thought there was no point. He has a brother and they get on pretty well.

On the plus side he is interested in some subjects at school - loves history, art and english but is fairly agnostic to other subjects. His big hobby is role playing games, Dungeons and Dragons and card games such as Magic the Gathering and loves hanging out with his friends and he goes to some events too. So that's all great and even writing that gives me some comfort. (he is very keen on video gaming too needless to say)

I am concerned about his lack of motivation and considering seeking professional help, am I overreacting or would you be concerned?

I'm not sure what the answer is but my DS14 is the same and is delighted to hear that your DS likes MTG too.

My DS is out of school with anxiety now and we had to stop computer games to unmess his head.

I can see why you are concerned but he sounds fine, just very different to you. Keep trying to encourage him to broaden his horizons a little and show an interest in the hobbies he has.

He doesn’t sound as if he’d want professional help, whatever that means, and if he doesn’t want it it wouldn’t help anyway.

Has he ever been enthusiastic about trying new things? It may be a teenage phase but it may just be who he is.

He is interested in things (you’ve listed them), they’re just not the same things as you.

I would never have been particularly interested in going out for a meal with my parents at 16. I also did not want a job, if you have everything at home or get pocket money or don’t want for much, getting your first job is scary/very new and intimidating. I was also deeply uninterested in discos as an early teen, and would not have wanted to do a Spanish exchange.

The only thing that will have to change in the next year or two is getting a part time job. I’d cross that bridge when you get there but nothing you’ve listed sounds like anything to worry about to the point of professional intervention. I also don’t understand why his lack of ‘interest’ made you cancel a holiday to New York!!! Why do the rest of you have to miss out?

It might be worth reading this:

https://gamequitters.com/how-dopamine-impacts-gaming/

Sounds completely normal.

He's got interests. They aren't the ones you enjoyed as a teen (nobody wants to go on a camp their mum thinks is fun).

He's got friends. He goes to events.

It's fairly normal for some teens to become soap dodgers - we had to make our son shower every day.

Most teens hate family holidays and 16 is generally the age they start wanting to go camping or to festivals or whatever with friends.

My suggestion is find out a bit more about what he likes about Dungeons and Dragons. Does he enjoy the mechanics and rules of the game, or is it the role play aspect? These are two very different aspects of the game. Some people love both equally but some prefer the role play elements, which can be more like storytelling and improv. theatre. Find out if he likes creating a back story to his character. If he enjoys this, he may enjoy larping (live action role play). There are larp camps and festivals he might like to explore the idea of...or medieval festivals, archery. Some role-players enjoy the mechanics more, the rules can be grounding. Have you considered he might be neaurodiverse? Role playing games enables people to explore social interactions in the safety of an imagined world that operates by measurable rules of chance and skill of a fictitious character. Whereas navigating social etiquette in real life can be an absolute minefield and exhausting.

Your son is waaaaaay more sociable than my DD was at the same age - and she has turned into a well adjusted and happy adult (albeit a quiet one).
Don't worry. He plays D&D, among other things, and enjoys some school subjects. That in itself is pretty good going.

You could have been describing my ds at that age to a tee - he's autistic though. The only trouble I see here is that you think he should be interested in the things you would be interested in or the things you think he should be interested in. It even sounds like he's got a good combo of 3 subjects already lined up for A-level which is great.

You need to go with and encourage the things he's interested in - History gives you loads of opportunities! i think it's great that he's not superficial or bothered about his looks and going to the gym - why would those things improve him? Are you very superficial yourself?

It's like you expect him to be a mini version of you which is very creepy IMO.

He does have interests, they're just not the same as yours.

He has plenty of interests. He's introverted, but that isn't unusual. He has friends. He is interested in school. Is he year 11 or 12? GCSEs or A-levels? Is he okay with his studying?

Hygiene is non-negotiable, he needs to be washing at minimum.

He sounds a bit like my teen, who has ADHD and is awaiting an autism assessment. From what you’ve said I think it’s quite likely your son may be neurodivergent in some way too, so it may be worth getting him assessed for ADHD and ASD, presuming that he agrees it would be a good idea. However I think there are a lot of positives in what you’ve described about your son and it sounds like overall he is doing ok.

This comment is going to trigger the MN autism police who gatekeep the right that nobody is ever allowed to suggest that anyone else is ND because it personally angers them for whatever reason.

However going by his hobbies and behaviour he sounds very much ND. Some kids manage to stay masked for along time but puberty brings so many challenges especially the expectation to participate in neurotypical activities like parties, dating, independent plan making, time management etc. Typically "nerdy" hobbies like MTG, D&D, Pokemon, manga, anime are lifesavers for neurodivergent teens and adults. Honestly you don't have to feel obliged to learn his hobby and be part of it all, but he is definitely not "apathetic" about life as he clearly has interests.

My 14yo (Y10) DS verges on apathetic as well. He values comfort over anything else and most wants to be at home, usually tucked up in his bed with a film and snacks. It drives DH and I mad as we were both competitive and quite driven by success (or at least fear of failure). We put him into a competitive sport from young and he was very good, but he just didn't want it. DS's school offer a vast wealth of extra-curriculars but he has to be forced to participate in any. He will only do the bare minimum work to keep himself in top sets and hovers along just scraping his target grades. Every teacher at parents evening tells me there is 'more in the tank'.

However, we have realised we must accept and appreciate him just as he is. He has many positive qualities- he is lovely and funny, appreciative of the nice life he has and very easy to live with. A benefit of not constantly wanting to win at everything is that his mental health is stable and he is very content.

I used to worry about my quiet gaming DS at similar age - when he went to university he found his tribe (online not through uni) started a small business, started meeting up
in real life with the online friends - and now has friends all over the U.K. and Europe
Is now out and about all the time, going to music gigs and other social events, weekends away and holidays
He has turned into a real foodie
After finishing uni he got an internship and has progressed his career very well

Does he seem down or depressed, or just OK with not doing very much?

He sounds a bit like my son (14). He’s happy enough and doing well at school, and will come on dog walks. But apart from that he rarely wants to go anywhere, doesn’t want to go on school trips abroad, and doesn’t want to go on a family holiday or eat out. He has lots of money saved up as he never buys anything and clothes are solely for warmth and modesty.