I'm really upset- not sure what to do..

[Sodthis4agameofsoldiers]

I know I've been foolish and can't stop kicking myself for my stupid actions, and guess I just need a sounding board..
I'm not in the best place just now, I've devoted the past 10 years to keeping my kids good, working full time and trying to keep a relationship going with a man who I now realise was extremely abusive in all sorts of ways.
To cut a long story short I'm now completely alone, kids have done very well bless them and both are now at uni, my 2 beloved cats sadly passed away within 6 months of each other and after being assaulted one time too many my partner is now an ex, I'm homeless but staying with my lovely cousin as a temporary arrangement.
My self esteem is rock bottom and I'm very lonely- I honestly do not have one real friend as became very isolated. Imagine my happiness when I bravely went into a pub for a quiet drink (alone!!) as I couldn't stand the loneliness any longer and immediately got approached by a nice man who bought me a drink and chatted to me like I was a human being..

Move on a few drinks- he tells me I'm lovely and would like my number- I (hic) gave him it then he asks for a kiss- I allowed a peck on the cheek- he asked if I would go outside for a proper kiss but I declined, as I didn't know him..

I went home after a bit (alone) and the next day he messages me- it became apparent that he's married- I told him I wasn't interested and a relationship was not possible and he should sort it out with his wife, it got weird- and he wouldn't take no for an answer so I blocked him.

Next thing I know is I'm getting abusive texts from his wife accusing me of being a home wrecker - someone filmed him kissing me in the pub and she somehow got my number- I don't know how as nobody knows me.. Apparently he's left her.
I told her what went on (nothing) and although I felt for her, and thought her husband's actions were disgusting I was not responsible for his behaviours.

I now feel unable to go out, I'm so anxious and feel like I've done something awful- what of she sees me and beats me up? what if he sees me and does the same? what should I do?

was I wrong to speak to a man in the pub? Should I keep indoors and avoid this from happening again? I just need to meet people and make some friends- I didn't expect all this!

For the time being block calls from unknown numbers on your phone. If they have made any threats towards you then keep the messages and contact the police.

It's highly unlikely they know where you live. As for being homeless, you can contact Shelter for advice.

I have been there. Ex H coercive control,no friends allowed,then they didn't want to be anything near him. Ex H tried to kill me,made homeless,2 young boys at home. Boss sacked me the day after my h was arrested, said he didn't want me working in their fine upstanding family firm when the news hit the papers. I had nothing,most of my possessions were in the house on repossession, I had no where to store them
However,you made a mistake going for a drink alone... coffee would have been safest. You were vulnerable I can see that, but you put yourself at risk, because you are feeling down. It could have been so much worse. Try to find help groups, volunteer,at a hospital, nursing home, homeless centre. It will come to pass, trust me!

Thank you for both of you responding and for the sound advice- I've been naïve and see now that going into a pub wasn't a good idea, I wasn't dressed up- no makeup, hair all over and jeans, trainers and tee shirt and definitely not on the pull- a coffee might have been a better option. I work very long hours but as an agency worker and remotely from home so never meet anyone, in one room for 12 hours a day so not much time to meet anyone either. I think I'll perhaps join a gym- trouble is it's a small town and now I'm terrified of bumping into someone who wants to hurt me! Gosh I'm an absolute bag of nerves! Yeesh... I think it's time to relocate and start over..

Seems strange that a random stranger was able to get your number. Could it perhaps be the guy texting from a work mobile or something pretending to be the wife? Maybe he was hoping if you thought the wife had left him that he'd have a chance with you.

Sorry but you should absolutely be able to go wherever you please and not feel fear or anxiety with a need to relocate because someone has behaved badly. Please don't feel like you have done ANYTHING wrong.

I agree. Go to the pub, do whatever you like. You could meet someone weird at the gym or library. You haven't done anything wrong.

God you poor thing!! This is vile.

I’d just block any incoming calls from unknown numbers, keep your socials on private, don’t respond to anyone you don’t know directly. Are there any local classes or activities that would suit you - dance/a sport, choir, painting, book club, swimming, yoga? It’s nice to have a routine and something to look forward to. I sometimes go to the cinema on my own in the afternoons.

You did NOTHING wrong. He sounds like a complete loser. Sorry you happened across him!

what of she sees me and beats me up? what if he sees me and does the same?

They won't. Just block them both and move on. You've done nothing wrong at all.

You've done nothing wrong! I go to the pub by myself often and there's always men trying to chat me up, sometimes I'll entertain it (as in have a bit of flirty banter), other times I'll say I'm not interested and shock horror on occasion I've had a couple of cheeky snogs!

If she calls again tell her that it's her husband behaving like a dog and suggest she puts him on a leash! I wouldn't put up with that shit when you've done nothing wrong. I get she's upset but it's out of order putting this on you.

@Nannyfannybanny nice victim blaming there!!

OP you can go to a pub on your own, I often did that. A pint and a read of the newspaper.

Please don't worry about that stupid man, or his wife, you did nothing wrong.

I know you feel like rock bottom at the moment but please just be nice to yourself. Work out what productive things will make you feel better.

I think you have been really unlucky at a time when you desperately needed some luck. You did nothing wrong please don't make this one dickhead affect your behaviour. Also, you didn't even kiss this guy you just talked to him so you are not the other woman in any way. It's all on him.

' I told her what went on (nothing) and although I felt for her, and thought her husband's actions were disgusting I was not responsible for his behaviours.' True and well done for recognising you were not responsible.

'I now feel unable to go out, I'm so anxious and feel like I've done something awful' You haven't.

' was I wrong to speak to a man in the pub? ' NO

Please don't stop going out because of this idiot.

It's really nothing to do with you, no one gets divorced over a peck on the cheek unless many other things have also been happening in the background/over a long period.

I would avoid that pub though, because people taking photos of you there is toxic as hell.

Her fault for going to a pub? That's your ex's voice.

OP, you didn't do anything wrong, block them and get back to enjoying having control of your own life - including going to a pub by yourself if you feel like it.

The only thing I'd say is look out for interpreting scraps of interest or friendliness as giving others an entitlement to whatever they want from you - asking nicely instead of with a raised fist does NOT give anybody that right.

Women should be able to go into pubs alone though.

It sounds like advocating a curfew for women due to the behaviour of men. OP has done nothing wrong.

What are you saying here? That she should have had coffee rather than an alcoholic drink so she stayed alert, or that she shouldn't have gone into a p[ub on her own as that was giving a message that she was available?

I’m in tears reading all of your amazing messages of support- thank you so much. Must admit I’m completely lost and this has been a massive knock back. I’m lucky to have a good job which pays well and options. I’m in The process of buying a house in a city a long way from this crappy little town with it’s crappy little pub and hope to redesign my life without that kind of rubbish in it.- @potatocakesinprogress I’m pleased you said what you did about toxic people filming- what kind of life do they live?? Thank you again, I feel better about myself and it’s put things in context x

I go to the pub on my own all the time, you did absolutely nothing wrong OP.

Is it a small town? As in gossipy with everyone knowing everyone? I've felt like you do right now I moved to a city where I'm anonymous and can have a pint by myself and chat to randoms without judgement

Have you tried MeetUp? It's great for meeting people. And try going to the pub - or a cafe - again. The chances of crazy wife tracking you down are very slim, and you have to get out there. You really nothing wrong and shouldn't let this one freak experience put you off. One day you'll look back and maybe not quite laugh, but roll your eyes, I promise!

However,you made a mistake going for a drink alone... coffee would have been safest. You were vulnerable I can see that, but you put yourself at risk, because you are feeling down. It could have been so much worse. Try to find help groups, volunteer,at a hospital, nursing home, homeless centre. It will come to pass, trust me!

Absolutely not. Women are not responsible for the bad behaviour of men. OP made no mistakes, none at all.

@Sodthis4agameofsoldiers don't hide away, if this woman threatens you, call the police.

However,you made a mistake going for a drink alone... coffee would have been safest. You were vulnerable I can see that, but you put yourself at risk, because you are feeling down.

OP, ignore this!

You did absolutely nothing wrong in going to the pub alone. He was I the wrong not you. It was just unfortunate it turned out the way it did.

I also go to the pub on my own. I chat to both men and women. I'm never flattered by men who do so and am in a relationship now, so I certainly wouldn't be, but I still go the pub on my own and I still chat to both men and women.

I started going to see local bands in pubs when my marriage broke down 12 years ago and made a few friends and a lot of acquaintances so I wasn't really on my own for very long.

You did nothing wrong. Well done for being brave enough to go into a pub by yourself when this isn’t normally something you’d do, that took a lot of guts to put yourself out there and try something new.

I’m sorry that you are now in this situation. He is the one that knew he was married and he is responsible for his behaviour not you! If you’ve not been out for a while then you’re not used to recognising those married pricks that are trying it on for something extra on the side. You rejected him as soon as you found out he was married - there was nothing else you could do. I’ve been caught out in the past and did the same, cutting all contact as soon as I found out he was married. He’d removed his wedding ring and had the gift of the gab so no way of knowing she I first met him. You’re not the first to be caught out and definitely won’t be the last.

If he left his wife there was a lot more going on there that had absolutely nothing to do with you and she’s just hitting out at anyone as she’s hurting so take no notice.

You’ve been brave enough to do something about changing your life and looking after yourself after doing an amazing job raising your kids. Please don’t let this experience out you off. You can and will find what you are looking for with someone who deserves you.

This. You have done absolutely nothing wrong and you damn well SHOULD be able to go into any pub on your own. Plenty of women do, me included

Don't let this stop you going out and about, but learn from this in any future interactions with random men

Please don't beat yourself up over this. He was the lying, cheating piece of shit, not you

Just ignore the small town stirrers. Once you've bought your own place look at local Meetup groups, walking groups, fb social groups, book groups etc rather than going to the pub if making friends is what you're looking for, or start a group of your own - I did!

@TrippingOverDogs thank you- I’ve looked at Meetup and there’s lots of walking groups, I’m really not looking to getting tethered to another man for now, and honestly want to make some friends to do stuff with. Well done you for setting up your own group- perhaps one day I’ll have the confidence to do that. Thank you again to everyone for their support. Means so much.

Christ, what a nasty lot! I'm sure you have all been in this situation, homeless etc. I never "victim blamed", I never said that the poster had done anything wrong, I said she had made herself vulnerable because of her situation. You go in a pub,guy buys you a drink, several drinks in,he wants a kiss, then he wants to go outside for a snog,you give him your phone number and then there's a nasty wife adding to your problems. I was trying to offer support and say there is light at the end of the tunnel. I will pm the poster,up to her if she replies. I have been through hell and back, for years, I didn't have a relative to take me in, when my ex H stopped paying the mortgage, I was told bed and breakfast 30 miles away, 2 young SDS leaving everything behind. In those days you had to leave the b and b at 9am and walk the streets. I feel really upset and ill now,thank you posters.