to ask you to help me say no

[SpringleDingle]

We have relative new neighbours a couple of doors down. They seem pleasant, we spoke outside a few months back and it was perfectly friendly. My other neighbour gave them my phone number as we occasionally need to communicate about bins - again, all pleasant.

This morning they sent me a text saying they'd love to get to know me and my family and could I let them know the best evening for me/us to pop around for glass of wine and a chat. It was said like this in a way that doesn't leave a good opening for me to say no thanks!!

I am sure they are nice people but we are a ND household and this just freaks me out. I can't think of anything more horrible and scary than having to sit opposite 2 perfectly normal people and make small talk. I want a polite way to say "I'm sure you're lovely but I'd rather dig my eyes out with a rusty spoon than hang out with you, but am happy to bring your bins in, thanks!"

I guess the other folks in our little row all meet and socialise based on our passing interactions and I am abslautely 100% happy to be left out of this and just to do the weather chat once a month.

Do I explain that I am too austistic for this? No point asking my DP or DD as they are also ND and horrified at the thought of this.

It's quite OK to be absolutely honest. I am autistic and have never been met with anything but kindness when I have to assert myself and say that my social battery just doesn't stretch to accommodate what's been proposed. Thank them for their kindness and don't forget to drop them a Christmas card in a few weeks.

What about something like, "so lovely of you to get in touch to set this up, that sounds great! At the moment we're snowed under with (insert a few things here like DD hobbies/activities, work, room renovation... anything!) so can I drop you a text when things have settled?" And then never send the text! They'll likely leave it up to you then to get in touch. If it's any consolation I'm not ND but this is my worst nightmare too!

Just say ‘It’s really kind of you to offer, but we’re a neurodivergent household and don’t really find socialising easy or enjoyable. Thank you for the invitation, and I hope you won’t be offended I need to refuse it.’ And, as a pp said, send them a Christmas card with a friendly message.

I'd just say thanks but your busy with the festive period.

I think I would go all in with honesty.

"Thank you for the invite but we struggle in social settings because we are a household with neuro diversities so I hope you understand that we tend to decline any meet ups and gatherings. But we are always here if you need us. If you want your bins bringing in/taking out we are happy to help so please feel free to text."

I think if you make excuses then they are the types who will continue to make social offers.

My God I'm old and introverted and this would fill me with dread! I'd probably keep it short, light and sweet...."thanks so much for your invite. You really are very kind. Unfortunately we have a lot on our plate at the moment, hope you have a fabulous Christmas,🎄🎄".

I'm a great believer that "no I can't sorry" is a complete sentence but it's difficult when you get an invite to someone's house. It's OK at work "sorry I can't do that right now" "sorry I don't feel able to add that to my work load" "sorry it's a request I'm unable to meet atm"....but I do think socially it's hard. I won't go somewhere I've not an interest in, and I won't say "I'll go" and work it out "later" as I'll just worry about it.

"I have a lot on my plate right now" has always worked for me and if they invite you again moving forward just keep putting "so sorry, unable to make that one! " and hope that they get the message. People generally do.

But why not be entirely honest when it can be done in a friendly but firm way, rather than just kicking the can down the road, pretending you’re dying to socialise with them when you have time, when you know perfectly well you’re never going to accept the invitation?

Also very difficult to pretend you live in a social whirl when these people live two doors down and can probably see the car/cars are in the drive and you’re all comfortably ensconced on the sofa every night?

I think it's perfectly fair to say its lovely to have you as neighbours thank you for the offer but the social gathering thing isnt really our bag.

I see no point in making fake excuses and not resolving anything

I think just being honest is a really good idea.

Making vague noises about a future meeting that you have no intention of following through on is a rude response to an explicit, well-meaning invitation, and if I was in your neighbourbours position I'd feel a little hurt by the rebuffal.

Whereas a simple explaination means no hard feelings. It also means they won't ask you again, so you'll be avoiding the risk of further awkward conversations.

I think this is a fantastic response.

I agree. I too would HATE this - never learned the art of small talk and have no desire to learn it now. The response is clear, kind and l would be delighted to be the recipient - not that I would invite anyone lol

@SummerHouse nails it!

I would hate this too. As would my son who has been on edge for about two years hoping that the new boy next door won't come knocking asking to be friends. It sounds awful and unfriendly to anyone who isn't ND, but that's just how it is. I would explain you're a ND family who are just not comfortable with social occasions, but appreciate the invite, and keep on smiling and saying hello. I really think this would help them understand, and even make them feel more positively towards you for the honesty.

I am NT and would fucking hate this. I think neighbours should not be pushing the social thing too soon. When we moved into our current place a neighbour chased me down until I agreed to go to dinner. We went. It was horrible. Another neighbour forced me to go for coffee and cake - she is one of the nastiest people I have ever met. If people want to get friendly they should do a BBQ with most of the street invited, then you don't feel you have to go and can escape when you have had enough.

This is what I would do.
also ND.

“This morning they sent me a text saying they'd love to get to know me and my family and could I let them know the best evening for me/us to pop around for glass of wine and a chat”

It sounds like they want to interview you. Hard pass on that one.

Thank you so much! I sent it. I thanked them for their kind invite. Declined on the grounds of ND and then said some nice things about being neighbourly. I hope it goes down ok but I feel elated at being able to set a clear boundary. Go me!

This is an excellent response. If you sent me this I would understand.

Sorry I'm a bit socially awkward, don't feel comfortable around new people? Something like this.

Don't need to bring ND into it unless you want to!

Excellent work @SpringleDingle !!! It doesn't really matter what reaction they have, the important thing is you've said how you feel, and I know that can be really hard to do. Good for you!

I don't think I'd be best pleased that other neighbour passed on my phone number, tbh. It's like signing you up for stuff you may not want.