Terrible twos or early signs of SEN?

[Terribletwoos]

DH went to a stay and play with DD, 29 months old. There was an activity table and structured activity, which he says was a disaster - he came home and said he now thinks we’ve crossed the line into behavioural issues. Despite trying to encourage her to listen to the teacher and take part, DD did not stay at the table and wanted to run around, not doing what the other children were doing. Then she screamed for peppa pig. Then she wanted to sit in the buggy and not join in story time.
This is generally our experience of playgroups - sometimes there are other kids that don't take part, sometimes it's only DD that doesn't take part.

Generally her behaviour is 50/50 - she will scream and scream but also can be quite regulated, calm and engaging. When she is calm you see her ‘normal’ personality and she is the most beautiful lovely little thing. the other 50% of the time there’s no other way of putting it than, I’ve even thought of calling the priest the way she wails and screams, spits, makes herself puke, and is impossible to calm down.

She goes to nursery and has a nanny two days a week. They have both said she doesn’t always take part in group stuff, but will do when encouraged/ interested.

We don’t do loads of screen time, but she asks for a lot of peppa pig or songs on youtube (nothing else)

Just to note I am a SEN practitioner, trained in ADOS and ADHD diagnoses in older children. But when it comes to your own children it’s completely different. I’m overthinking, scared and confused.

I guess I just want to know if this normal terrible twos behaviour? What was your experience of this age? handholds and anecdotes welcome.

I would say normal, she is a child with a high level of change in her life, 4 different caregivers that have different expectations and she is probaly dysregulated because of that. Little / all children thrive on structure and routine. Understandably you need to work but can you give her more stability so she's either at nursery or with a nanny.

As you know autism / ADHD etc are highly inherited so if there are no diagnosis / potential diagnosis in your family then they can be almost entirely ruled out.

In terms of my experience DD is autistic but never, ever misbehaved unless at transitions (going into the pushchair), as a teen she is the same still a rule follower, never even rolls her eyes and shutsdown rather than melts down, struggles with transitions and needs to know the plan ahead of schedule.

Too early to tell. She's 29months. As you will know if you are trained in child development, co operative play doesn't get going til nearer 36months.

I have 5 adult children all autistic and none behaved as you described. It's wait and see. Hold off with the priest!!

This is completely normal 2 year old behaviour.

Very few 2 year olds are capable of taking part in group structures activities for more than a few minutes.

Toddler tantrums are completely age appropriate.

Honestly sounds like she’s tired. My DD is the same, more so now she’s 2.5 because her nap schedule has gone out of the window. She’s disinterested and irratic when she’s tired (and a bit destructive!) but honestly the most incredibly sweet natured, calm, smart, focused person when she’s well rested 😂

Edited to add - she has a nanny 3 days pw and is taken care of by her GM 1 day a week. With me the rest. I’ve seen no impact from having ‘different caregivers’. When she’s hangry or tired though… that’s a different story!

In a good nursery they wont be as strict as to make her do specific activities at specific times. With that age you need to give them the space and autonomy to do what they want, within reason. You can't force a two year old to join in and you shouldn't try to. Lower your expectations of compliance.

I would say totally normal behaviour. My DD had been doing ballet for a year and only now just starting to really listen and get involved for more than a minute or too (she's 34 months)
I've also just spent a 2 and half week holiday being hit, screamed at and bitten. Toddler tantrums can be epic and in my experience even more so in girls.

I'm not concerned yet. My DS7 didn't start to show any potential SEN until this year (and even now we are still on the fence if its just anxiety or something more)

I think it sounds similar to my 2 year old

Tantrums and not playing with other children yet could definitely be normal for a 2 year old.

I did have a gut feeling that my child was on the spectrum though at 2, and he is. But that wasn't based on bad behaviour and more to do with his personality.

How would you view her behaviour if she was a boy? Because taking part, listening, calm, engaged and beautiful are definitely valued in females more than males. Perhaps she's just an active girl who'd rather be running around than following adults agendas?

SEN is actually much more likely to be suspected for boys and overlooked for girls.