Wedding abroad AIBU

[Nosleepforthismum]

SIL getting married abroad next year. Looks fantastic and loads of fun over 3 days. The venue is quite remote and there’s nowhere to stay on site so everyone has been asked to arrange their own accommodation and travel to the venue and back on the day. However, DH and I are going through a tough patch financially and we have two young kids. The kids have been invited which is lovely but we’ve now just been told the wedding doesn’t even start until 6pm so I think it is actually going to be a child free wedding without them having to directly say that. Which is fine and entirely their prerogative. However, I’m looking at the itinerary for the 3 day wedding event and nothing is even remotely toddler appropriate which would mean I’m staying in with the kids for those evenings while DH heads out on his own. I know the family are expecting the kids (3&2) to be there at least on the wedding evening and have suggested a babysitter to look after them but I can just see it being a nightmare and don’t think it’s practical really. Basically, the whole thing is just going to be very expensive and challenging in numerous ways so I’m wondering if it would be okay to suggest DH goes on his own? I usually get on well with the in-laws but I’m worried this may cause a big rift if the kids and I don’t go.

YANBU at all.

I would just suggest that DH goes by himself. Sounds like a lot of hassle, unless family are very hands on, when it comes to help. Is the suggestion of a babysitter, because they want to relax, and not be so switched on, with the children?

It's your money and if at the end if the day, you can't afford it, so be it? I don't see how anyone, family or not can argue with that?

Weddings are so expensive anyway in this country let alone when you add in flights and accommodation in as well. My kids are grown, we have a bit more (not much!)money in the bank these days....but my God, when my kids were young and we were on the wedding guest circuit, it was a real expense for us at a time when really there was no spare money, we were struggling enough to buy food and petrol.

Tbh I wouldnt give out the info that it's very heavily adult based/kids will be bored/I'll be on my own etc....that way you're opening up the conversation for opinion "you're being selfish " "it's a wedding, the kids will be fine", " the kids will love the sunshine" "you can bring the kids out too"......I don't think all of those things btw. I just know it's what my family would have come out with.

Stick to the facts, you can't afford it. Got to a pretty selfish/mindless/arrogant person to argue with that!

DH goes by himself. Simple.

I think the suggestion was well meaning and more that DH and I would be able to relax a bit. Although the in-laws are usually quite hands on, they back off when the kids get fussy and tantrummy which is very likely to be the case at around 6pm. I think they have an idealistic plan of getting the kids there for a few photos, bribed with a bit of cake, then the babysitter will push them round in their buggy until they fall asleep and she can then sit there with them while we enjoy ourselves. Sounds great doesn’t it and I wish that was realistically what would happen 😅

What does DH want to do?
Why is the wedding being held there - are their family connections or do the couple just fancy having it abroad and making their guests pay more. ?

I imagine it’s what the couple want. Could be guaranteed weather, prettier venue, memories of a previous trip, the ability to spoil guests with a lovely location that was unaffordable in the UK. Especially if they don’t have children of their own, they are entitled to have the wedding that they wish for. A wedding invitation is not a summons!

OP, I think that YANBU to suggest that your DH goes alone. Is there an alternative? Eg do you have someone reliable who would be willing to have them for the weekend at home while you go along, or would budget not stretch to that, even if it was an option.

I decided many years ago to never apologise for not being able to afford something. The reasons why remain my own. I just say it firmly.

And those wedding arrangements sound unhinged from real life.

If it's the southern meditarranean, then this is completely normal, children are a huge part of weddings and it's so much fun. It's too hot to have weddings earlier in the day. We had a wedding in Greece start at 5.30. There were kids on the dance floor at midnight though some had gone home and some were asleep in buggies. We arranged a couple of children's entertainers who created a whoel children's area where they had a whale of a time and then arranged babysitters back in the hotel we had put guests up in for those who wanted to take their children home, put them to bed and come back to party. If you can't afford it, I completely understand but if you think it just won't be fun, I'd maybe consider just going along with it.

Why would the wedding be child friendly? I didn’t think to make my wedding child friendly, it was mine and my husbands wedding. But by the same token l wouldn’t insist people would go if they couldn’t afford it or didn’t think it was suitable for them. That’s the risk of getting married abroad

I wouldn’t spend money to inconvenience myself or my family. If your SIL really wanted you there she would make it easy for you to do so.

Just don't go. In a few years they will have DC and understand.

My take on destination weddings is that they are fine as long as you equally accept that people are free not to attend (for any reason).
That includes close family.

If you want your nearest & dearest there, get wed in a more convenient location.