supporting bereaved friends but keeping track of own mental health

[crochetmonkey74]

Hello all
I'm hoping you can give me some support. I struggle quite a lot in perimenopause with anxiety - specifically health anxiety. In the last few weeks , 2 of my very close friends have suffered terrible or unexpected bereavements.
I'm supporting them- and am OK for now, but I am struggling to stop it dragging me into poor mental health. If you have struggled with this - or have experience, please could you help me with practical tips? I am single with no kids so I find it very easy to rush in as a 'rescuer' and be available all the time in a way I wouldn't be able to if I had a family. (i don't begrudge this, I am just aware it is a trap I can fall into)
I'm not looking for advice about managing my anxiety- that is already in progress and going quite well but I'm aware this is a vulnerable time
Any help or supportive tips appreciated

Could you try putting some boundaries in for yourself? For example you could decide that for your own sake you need to 'switch off' from it all by 8pm each night, so maybe in that case phone them earlier in the day, or text them to say you're around until 7.30 if they want to chat. It's lovely that you want to help, but it's not realistic to be constantly available. It's also fine to not want to discuss the details of the health issues of their lost loved ones - It's fine to put your hand on your heart and say 'I'm sorry, but the details might be too much for me. I get anxious about stuff like this.' If they don't like that then they'll find someone else to talk to, which will take the pressure off you. If done with kindness, you won't lose the friendships.

Yes I think that is really good advice- thank you! I like the cut off idea. I tend to abandon all my own personal needs when I have something upsetting - so today I am in work in scruffy clothes, my hair not done, hardly any make up. That makes me feel worse

You sound like you're becoming aware of it, which is half the battle sometimes. There must be some deeper reasons for you prioritising others to this extent, which might even explain some of your own anxiety?

Sounds like some real self care is needed. I don't mean just bubble baths, I mean figuring out what you need and giving yourself permission to put it first, at least some of the time.

@TreesWelliesKnees I think you've hit on something here. I have a lot of unprocessed grief in my own life and i think sometimes looking after others is an escape.
I will definitely take your advice about self care- for me that looks like exercise, grooming and nice outfits. I will make sure I prioritise these.

Some invaluable advice given to me was "put on your own life jacket first" - I'm similarly crap at putting my own needs last, which is useful in the throws of a crises, but it means I need recovery time too.

When it's hard going regularly throughout the day check in with yourself about what you need, are you thirsty, tired, itchy? What emotions are you feeling? And then work on resolving those - it does take conscious effort, but it does work for me.

Good luck in supporting your friends through their bereavement.