Funeral

[tumpymummy]

Seeking opinions on whether I have unreal expectations or not. It is my uncle's funeral. I'm going and so are my parents. Funeral is 2 hours drive away, late afternoon. I am not a confident driver and am nervous at the thought of driving to it especially as it is not a journey that I know. My Dad could drive but he is mid 80s and not comfortable about driving back in the dark. I would like my husband to come too and drive us all (he normally drives whenever we go anywhere). The issue is that he doesn't want to go. His reasoning being that he doesn't like funerals and it is my uncle, not his. Uncle did come to our wedding (25 years ago) and he has met him a couple of times, but not seen him for many years. AIBU to expect him to come and be our chauffeur? Public transport not at option. I would also like husband to be there as it is a family gathering, but clearly my family is not important to him.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, it would be nice of him to drive. Assuming he doesn’t have to take time off work?

That’s a fair round trip, combined with a funeral. Could you and your DP’s stay over?

I don't think that it is unreasonable for your husband to attend your Uncle's funeral to support you.
Who actually likes funerals? They are a sad part of life and it's part of being an adult, to attend them.

Funeral is on a Saturday so no time off work needed. If my husband won't come I think staying over will have to be the option so Dad or I can drive back in daylight. My husband coming would mean we could attend in one day.

Thankyou dancing octopus - those are my thoughts too.

In that case I think it’s very mean spirited of him not to drive you all

I think YABU to expect your husband to drive you when you're perfectly capable of driving yourself. Just plot out the route on Google maps and give yourself plenty of time. Stay over if you'd prefer to drive back the next day.

Compromise: ask if he'll drive you, but say he doesn't have to attend the funeral service?

You can't ask your 80 year old dad to do it. If your husband won't, time to put your big girl pants on. Book a hotel and stay over?

I think it would be kind of your husband to drive you especially since he doesn’t need time off work.

Nobody likes funerals. But being kind and supportive can mean so much. We all have to do things sometimes that we don’t want to do and under the circumstances this would be a kind thing.

I think your husband is mean-spirited not to want to support you.

I would still plan to stay over even if your husband drives. It's four hours driving total which is quite a bit for one day. Given that you don't want to do it at all, you're quite blasé about others doing a fair amount of driving.

I’d expect my husband to come to significant family events, including family funerals, especially if he wasn’t at work. No, it’s not his uncle and he may well be fairly neutral about uncle’s death himself, but given you and your parents are going I’d expect him to come and be supportive. Nobody “likes” funerals.

I do think if at all possible you need to get more confident driving. Only ever driving familiar routes is pretty limiting and if you always rely on your DH to chauffeur you around I can understand him getting annoyed. Get a sat nav and start practicing! That is not a task to undertake on the day of a funeral though.

I think you’re being unreasonable. Women shouldn’t need men to drive for them. The more you do it, the more confident you’ll get. It’ll open up a world of independence and equality and freedom and self-reliance.

Did you ask him to go because you wanted his support, or did you ask him to go so he could drive you?

AIBU to expect him to come and be our chauffeur?
Because when you put it like this you are being very unreasonable.

I would also like husband to be there as it is a family gathering, but clearly my family is not important to him.
But when you put it like this you are almost not being unreasonable, although it does sound a bit like an afterthought on your part compared with the chauffeur duties when you phrase it like this.

Two hours each way plus two hours for the service and the bunfight afterwards is a full day. Not normally a big deal for a confident driver, but clearly a big deal when the other two drivers are shying away from it. Which does reinforce the suspicion you may have created this problem by approaching him with an expectation of driving duties rather than a request for emotional support.

Going against the grain, I think YABU.

You can drive. So drive. Plan the route out in advance, use sat nav on your phone or print out directions. I get the feeling your husband has probably had enough of being the default adult.

Funeral Celebrant here. Pretty harsh of your husband not to want to come with you. I'd expect partners to go along if work didn't interfere

But it sounds like youncould drive and maybe stay over the night if cost is appropriate- a travelodge or air bnb

Forget him, make sure you go x

Maybe you could ask him to come drive you on the condition that he doesn't need to attend the funeral and if he wants to, that you stay overnight and that you will take a few driving lessons in the new year to improve your driving.

It's a pain in the arse to date someone who doesn't drive. The other person dies all the heavy lifting. It's not fair. The fact you don't seem to be trying to improve makes me think you haven't realised how unreasonable it can be due the driver. We all need to pull out weight. Sorry OP but taking meaningful steps to improve is the way to go.

I'm sorry for your loss.
I think you are being unreasonable. You are with your parents so it's not like you are on your own and it doesn't sound like you were especially close to your Uncle. I'd see it as a family event.
In the same circumstances I wouldn't want to attend either.

I think the driving issue isn't that much of a factor. Just plan the route carefully and stay over if you need too. If you are worried about certain junctions or roundabout then practice on google earth.

Ffs no one LIKES funerals. That would be mad. They aren't supposed to be entertaining or fun.

Is your husband 12 years old emotionally?

People go to funerals either to pay their respects and say their goodbyes to the dead or to support a loved one who is doing so. Your husband is supposed to be there for you, supporting you.

What an arsehole.

Thanks for the reality check everyone! Many of you are right I do need to pull my pants up so if husband really won't come I will drive and stay overnight, and take my parents. However I now realise I have framed it wrong and want him to come because it is a family event, so will approach him with that angle.

Your husband is being unreasonable if those are his reasons. Pathetic really.

If he doesn’t like funerals (and ultimately, who does?), he can just drive and not attend.

Didn’t like your uncle - is this major beef or just some lame excuse to get out of driving? Mildly disliking a relative of your spouse isn’t a reason not to support them.

Your uncle, not mine - ok, well if his parents are around and die, or any of his family, trot that one out. Tell him you don’t like funerals and you’d rather sit on the sofa with a book and some chocolate digestives.

So, in summary, you’re not being unreasonable.

He should go to support you and your parents.
That is the meaning of marriage. Your concerns are his concerns and vice versa.
It's not all about what he likes. It is a shared life. The good and the difficult.