Can you ever help someone who doesn't want to help themselves?

[flopsy34]

Someone close to me is unravelling before my eyes and has been doing for years. There was a trigger (an important bereavement) but I would say this person has always been very anxious and a bit 'odd' in their ways. The type of person who has sat back and let other people run their life for them. Now this key person isn't around to do this they are lost and it's understandable.

However rather than try and improve things they have just adopted the mentality that life is shit, everything is shit, I don't care about myself or anyone else and am determined to be miserable forever. No attempt to seek any sort of counselling, therapy or doctor help - in fact been very vocal about how this sort of thing is only for the weak.

Alienates people and lets people down - complains about being lonely and how nobody makes an effort but actively cuts people off or cancels plans at the last minute.

Won't drive anywhere despite having a car. Never has food in despite living 100m from a massive supermarket. Drinks too much. Stays up all night and sleeps all day. Took a career break but has chosen to spend it at home drinking rather than pursuing anything that might make their life healthier or more enjoyable. The list goes on.

I have tried talking to them and offering practical and emotional support. But they seem adamant that they don't want to change. It is now making me feel drained, frustrated and redundant.

My question (which I think I already know the answer to) is can you actually do anything to help people like this? Does it always have to come from them? And have you ever known anyone who has been similar and managed to turn things around for themselves?

I don't want to accept this person is a lost cause but equally I am becoming less sympathetic as the years go by.

You can offer help and support but the willingness to change has to come from them. You can't force someone to change. It sounds like your friend has an alcohol problem. The first step is for them to acknowledge this. Maybe it's time for an honest conversation? Sometimes a bit of tough love is necessary to get though to someone

I used to do this kind of stuff, run around after people trying to support them. You're on a hiding to nothing. If someone wants to do something they'll do it, whether that's giving up drinking, getting a job or cleaning up.

They know what support is available so it's up to them to utilise it. Check in on them but back away completely.

You offer to support them in any change they want to implement.

That's it. Otherwise you're just wasting your energy and are likely to get fed up and leave them to it.

No - you can't so don't waste your energy.
Think about what you are willing to give and don't do any more than that.
Growing up I really tried to help/change people. I even ended up working in mental health so strong was my desire to help and understand.
What I've learnt is the only people that can be saved are those that are willing to make changes to help themselves. Sadly there are no magic wands and if someone isn't willing to work for change, change won't happen

NO. It's impossible and you will stress yourself out trying.

I've known lots of people who used to feel like that and are now sober and happy. I'm in AA so meet many many people who have turned their life around.

Without exception, they all needed a desire to sort it out. People who are marched into meetings by friends / relatives don't tend to hang around.

The other thing that helps people find that motivation in my experience is when their pain gets too intense; when they lose more and more due to their behaviour.

So in a perverse way, the best thing you can do is remove all support, show them what they're losing and prey they hit rock bottom ASAP and ask for help.

No. As the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink.

No, I think you are wasting your energy. Some people really will never change or take any responsibility. Some appear happy wallowing in misery which can be so frustrating to be around because we can see a few steps and a bit of effort would change their quality of life.
Some are happy bringing others down with them and have zero conscience about any affect they have on others around them.
I'm not giving MH advice but if you look up personality disorders of all kinds and sociopaths and psychopaths you may find this person falls into more than one of those categories.
Personally, from what you're saying here I think you should admit you've tried your best and now give yourself a break.

*The type of person who has sat back and let other people run their life for them. Now this key person isn't around to do this they are lost and it's understandable.
Are they maybe looking for someone else to be their caretaker?

Best lesson I learned early in life from a mother who drank heavily then suddenly stopped overnight when she had to financially support herself.

No. You can't make anyone change, the motivation has to come from them. Something has to inspire them to change.

Also you often don't know what your why is until you do it.

No

I don't think you can make change in someone else's life, but I do think you can sometimes inspire or encourage them to want to do it for themselves. I think people sometimes think change would be an expression of disloyalty to what went before, particularly after a bereavement, such that sorting themselves out, moving on and being happy seems like it would be morally wrong somehow. I also think a lot of people grew up, for whatever reason, not believing they have the agency to drive their own life, and are in the habit of waiting passively for something to 'happen'. All you can really do is listen in order to understand better what is driving the hopeless behaviour, and try to gently challenge it.

Nope, unless you are willing to take respponsibility for this person and to treat him/her as a child for whom you are responsible, then there is nothing you can do. This person may well hvae significant mental health problems. They may well strggle. They may be neurodiverse and find things hard. They may just be a covert narcissist. It doesn't really matter because at the end of the day, if they're not willing to make changes and put effort in, there is nothing you can do except to continue to enable the behaviour.

You tell them - factually, so without emotion - that they don't have to live like this, that there's lots of help available but that it has to be their choice and you respect their decision. Then leave it.

This is the perfect situation for the 'you can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink' phrase.

I spent years falling over myself trying to help someone in my immediate family. They were not interested in helping themselves and I became really angry and resentful because they wouldn't accept my 'help'. I've since stepped back and try let them be. If they ask for something I'm there but otherwise, let them crack on and accept I've done my best.

its truly very hard to do x