My husband has hurt his back, I can't sympathise with him or stand the very obvious sighing or groaning.

Whiteskies · 10/11/2024 20:33

Back pain is excruciatingly painful. A very brave friend of mine who had three large children and a long fight with breast cancer hurt her back and said it was the worst pain she had ever experienced.
You sound so dismissive of his pain. You sound like you really dislike him. I feel sorry for him. Dismissing someone's very real pain is abusive.

Lollypop701 · 10/11/2024 20:37

Living with pain is different to hurting yourself and experiencing pain. So I think there’s a backstory to your indifference tbh

ShilohTikva · 10/11/2024 20:37

Back pain is horrible. Just because you get on with yours means nothing. Could be a different pain tbh. Not everyone is the same
Yabu

Catza · 10/11/2024 20:38

It's not a competition, though, is it. We are both sick today, partner promised to do some jobs round the house but was in bed for most of the day. I was annoyed for about half a day but it wasn't making me feel any better so I pottered around, took the dog out and made dinner. Had I not done this, we would both be sick, moody and hungry but one of us would also be upset. Now we are warm and fed, the dog had her exercise and, arguably, I had a much better day than my partner.
If you don't feel sympathy for his pain, that's your prerogative and I am sure many will be a long to tell you to LTB. But just because you have pain, doesn't mean that another person can't feel it too. And we all cope in different ways.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 10/11/2024 20:39

I did my back in months ago leaning forward to get pj’s out of a drawer and my god I could barely walk. It was horrendous

Tooffless · 10/11/2024 20:40

If he's refusing pain meds and sitting badly and just lying around you'd have a point. But if he's taken meds, is ensuring he's sitting properly and is trying to do some light physio or trying to keep moving at the very least then you are being unreasonable.

Notsoflirtythirty · 10/11/2024 20:41

I live with chronic back pain, and it's just horrendous, back pain also usually radiates to other locations. I often sigh, Huff and puff, and more than likely look miserable. Because i am allowed to express my discomfort and being fed up with it.

I couldn't imagine being around someone who got fed up at me for being in pain.

Original poster

Superdooperal · 10/11/2024 20:42

I think thats a bit harsh. I don't get any support from him when I am ill, in pain (which I always am) or have other difficulties. I support him through his health emergencies, his son's serious mental health difficulties and his family problems. I just feel that I am expected to keep on giving. I love him so very much but it is really getting very hard. We were together when in we were 20s - it all went wrong, married other people but have subsequently been together for 20 years and married for 12 but it seems to always be a one way street for me.

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lightsandtunnels · 10/11/2024 20:43

Sounds to me like there's a bigger back story here. YABU to not show any sympathy - back pain can be excruciating. I also live with constant pain and am awaiting some surgery so I sympathise with you and the pain you have to live with OP. However, when I hurt my back a while ago it was horrific and absolutely excruciating - definitely the worst pain I have ever experienced.
Definitely not a competition. It does sound like you don't like him very much which made me wonder if there is a back story here.

Original poster

Superdooperal · 10/11/2024 20:44

I had to tell him to take pain relief.

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OPsSockpuppet · 10/11/2024 20:44

I do see where you’re coming from, OP. I find being sympathetic to my DP really hard. I think it’s because he is always complaining about some symptom or another and each one becomes this massive drama. I don’t know for sure that he’s exaggerating but on the other hand I feel as if I take a certain amount of discomfort as normal (period pains, chronic digestive ‘issues’, not to mention pregnancies - god knows how he’d have coped with those 🙄). I don’t go on about stuff when I feel unwell be because I find it doesn’t help.

Lammveg · 10/11/2024 20:44

Unless this is part of some pattern of behaviour from him where he's always 'ill' or 'in pain' with a dressing gown of doom and he's refusing to get help/take pain relief etc then I feel you're being harsh. Is he not sympathetic to you usually?

WhichSock · 10/11/2024 20:45

I’m in two minds. On one hand, it’s annoying when people make a meal of being ill. On the other, telling people, men in particular, to “get on with it” means they don’t get medical help at all or wait until it’s too late.

My dad has debilitating back pain, and part of the reason it’s so bad now is that he “just got on with it” when it was just mild pain.

Anywherebuthere · 10/11/2024 20:46

Everyone has different pain thresholds and there are different kinds of back pain.

You don't sound like you like him very much. There must be more to it.

ByMerryKoala · 10/11/2024 20:48

So, is your lack of sympathy a punishment for his lack of sympathy?

Catza · 10/11/2024 20:53

Superdooperal · 10/11/2024 20:42

I think thats a bit harsh. I don't get any support from him when I am ill, in pain (which I always am) or have other difficulties. I support him through his health emergencies, his son's serious mental health difficulties and his family problems. I just feel that I am expected to keep on giving. I love him so very much but it is really getting very hard. We were together when in we were 20s - it all went wrong, married other people but have subsequently been together for 20 years and married for 12 but it seems to always be a one way street for me.

A big question is, do you ask for help? In your previous post you said you "get on with it". So, while you are in pain all the time, it doesn't look as though you need or ask for any help. Are you quite certain that you are not expecting him to read your mind?
Even today, he didn't ask you to move his gear. You did it off your own volition and are now upset that you had to do it. You didn't have to... I imagine you elect to soldier on when in pain. Easy pattern to fall into and I would encourage you to think about how you can communicate your needs more effectively.

Original poster

Superdooperal · 10/11/2024 20:55

No he is not

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Dragonsandcats · 10/11/2024 20:58

I think you’re being unreasonable. I hurt my back recently and it was awful. Couldn’t sleep as every time I rolled over I’d get stabbing pains. And it went into spasms. Have never know anything like it. I’m normally ok with illness, had kids without pain relief but this was something else.

Original poster

Superdooperal · 10/11/2024 21:01

I don't tell him to get on with it. He doesn't do anything to manage his pain or any illness but often refuses to to do anything - eg Volatarol can't possibly work because your skin is waterproof, but he seems to expect me to make it better. When I have had to take him to hospital it has almost come to blows.

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Anonymouseposter · 10/11/2024 21:03

He's having me on, isn't he?
How can we possibly know? He could be in terrible pain.
The main problem seems to be that you find in general that he takes you for granted and isn't sympathetic when you are ill.
Tit for tat won't get you anywhere and how can we compare your respective pain anyway.
I would be sympathetic for now, it's not the time to address the problems. When he feels better I would tell him in a straightforward way how you feel.

KimFan · 10/11/2024 21:08

Why can’t you support each other with your respective pains? Not sure why one has to be worse off than the other to qualify for sympathy and care…

Original poster

Superdooperal · 10/11/2024 21:15

I forgot to say he couldn't move his gigging equipment into the shed because he was in the pub. his back wasn't so bad he couldn't walk up there.

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Woodenbones198901 · 10/11/2024 23:13

I hate self loathing and self pity, I dont Think you are being unreasonable at all