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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Even though I'm 33 - sometimes still affected by parents

15 replies

LivingLaVidaLurker · 27/04/2008 01:26

Hello. I am pretty normal. I think. But there are some things that I do blame on my parents. Yes... still! I have certain boring insecurities. And blah blah lack of confidence.

Am I too old to be blaming my past? Isn't there a time when you think, "I'm an adult" and put all this to one side?

OP posts:

zippitippitoes · 27/04/2008 01:29

no i still regularly miss my dad and he died in 1975

the fact he died still affects me now and i miss him

so parents are always there

for good or ill i guess

Lauriefairycake · 27/04/2008 01:31

Bollocks, you are never to try and come to terms with how bad your nurturing was.

And "being an adult" and "putting it all to one side" is just you being hard on yourself

It just doesn't work like that. I'm a counsellor, I had 4 years of therapy to work through the shit they piled on me, now I am able to help others, but it took a loooooong time.

It takes as long as it takes.

Lauriefairycake · 27/04/2008 01:31

never too old to try

sorry.

scottishmummy · 27/04/2008 01:31

love your name seesh since i had a baby i sound spookily like my mum - ach nope

slim22 · 27/04/2008 01:35

I love them but from a distance.

I so glad i have not been in the same country for the past 15 years. This has definitely helped as I don't have to deal with it on a daily basis.
Seeing them on holiday is alike a little sociological/psychological experiment everytime.

My moto is let the shit lie still and move on (unless there is some major trauma to overcome)

Original poster

LivingLaVidaLurker · 27/04/2008 01:36

Hi Zippoties. I am so sorry - my post seem awfully selfish considering your dad has died. I really am sorry.

My nurturing has not been as bad as many people's though.

Surely I should just say, "Hey, I'm 33. Let it go".

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 27/04/2008 01:37

so let it go.move on

zippitippitoes · 27/04/2008 01:37

no dont be sorry

tis weird tho i regularly cry over him

think it got hard wired

Lauriefairycake · 27/04/2008 01:39

try not to compare yourself to others, that's like saying "well, I must be grateful for everything I have as there are people dying all over the world"

That only goes so far, don't compare, feel what it's like for you

Original poster

LivingLaVidaLurker · 27/04/2008 01:42

Scottishmummy, you are so right. I am sorry. Somtimes, I am a self indulgent twat and I apologise.

Zippitippitoes - I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through. It must be awfully hard. I really am sorry (I know you said not to be). I am sending you hugs (though I know that will make little difference).

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 27/04/2008 01:45

we are all egocentric. deep breath you can not change past but you influence /participate in present

zippitippitoes · 27/04/2008 01:49

no i find itg weird

i mis my dad but not my mum who died a lot more recently..well i miss her but i dont get upset

my dad got stuck in a time warp

slim22 · 27/04/2008 03:00

I have to add, that letting go of things helps have a better relationship with parents.

Since I decided to stop blaming them for some things (serious or petty), I get to enjoy the few moments together more.

I don't want to have regrets when they go. Some discussions might actually hurt them much more than us. The older they get, the more nurturing we must act towards them. A bit reverse to what they did with us bringing us up. Positive reinforcement and when it gets too much just nod and smile and shrug it off when you go home

Big hug to Zippi

squilly · 27/04/2008 09:48

I had crappy childhood, it would be classed as abusive these days, physically and mentally, but we just didn't know that's what it was.

In retrospect I realise my mum had to put up with boatloads of crap from my dad, so I can empathise with her more.

When I was a kid I loved my dad to bits, loathed my mum. Now I can see the dynamics better and wonder how she managed to keep it together as well as she did!!! And though I still love my dad, he was an old barsteward in lots of ways. And NO WAY would I want to have been married to him.

Having said that, mum still knows how to push my buttons. Though now she's 80-odd, she tends not to bother so much.

IME you have to let go of the blame/hatred and take as much responsibility for your own life as you can. Just don't beat yourself up too much when the folks do get to you! The buttons they pressed when you were young don't just disappear..they just get buried under our life experiences.

FrannyandZooey · 27/04/2008 10:02

I think most people's childhoods affect them for the rest of their lives whether good bad or indifferent
it would be strange if they didn't, really
have you considered counselling or similar to help you work through the things that are bothering you? A counsellor told me that most people coming for help with this kind of issue are mid 30s, so you certainly aren't unusual or odd! In your 20s people often lack self awareness and it is only when you get to 30 or so and realise that these troubles are not going away by themselevs that people tend to take action

it's all very well to say put it behind you but often we need help to slot things into place and understand them
our childhood experiences are hugely influential in making us who we are

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